Awake#psd #artheals #Depression #selfcare
I did not take a seditive last night.I was tired from a long day,clear headed and felt,good.I was having trouble regulating my temperature though.This kept on through the night,same as nights prior.I did sleep,but I woke from a nightmare.I have to tell myself it was a dream.it was very violent,scary and unexpected.I have been awake now for two hours and I'm only calming now,by writing.im angry.Call it the stages of grief,Im assuming.Im numb now from crying,feel defeated,hurt and lost.I want to throw up.I am not a violent person.I have only been that way in self defense.This wasnt me.I have never had a physical confrontation with this family member.I knew I was angry,hurt,betrayed but to feel this level of emotion,now,I am having to tell myself I'm safe,breath and calm,it is your brain playing tricks,you are safe,calm and in control.my husband thinks Im either exaggerating or purposely crying.I am reminded Im not ok and I hate it,I hate where I am,how I am,who I am.I keep blaming and excusing.I want it to stop,all of it.I want to start over but she won't let me.She is me, my mother,my sisters,my husband.They aren't going to help me feel these pains,acknowledge it.im alone,I cant make people understand,I shouldn't burden anyone with my issues.I am trying too hard to change my perspective,forcing moments of communication.Im tired of explaining why I cry,why Im defensive and why Im like this,especially since I only understand after there is a response.