I want to scream and yell and punch and scream. Then, i dissociate and see myself screaming and yelling and punching and screaming and crying. I used to do this in real life. When I was younger I had a lot of frustrations that I needed to let out. I would go for long walks in my neighborhood and along a golf course. Then one day I found a brick wall hidden from other bystanders to see. When upset, i would go there. It was maybe a 30 minute walk from my house. I would go there and scream and punch the wall repeatedly and cry. As I got older this act of outlashing began to unleach. When I felt too much anger or fear I started punching people in the middle of conversations. I even let it out on my ex husband. It was to the point where I would black out and not remember doing but I would see the results minutes later. So, I stopped. I kept it in. Having cut up fists and hurt loved ones was no way to live. I started to dissociate. I would go in my mind and forget where I was actually standing. Many say I looked spaced out. At those times I am. I do not see what I am actually looking at. I only see what my brain is visualizing. In my head I would be somewhere screaming and punching and crying. I didn't think I could do it in real life anymore so I did it in my mind. But at one point this turned very dark. Dark to the point where I started visualizing myself die and others die and me kill them or they kill themselves. Until one day I wanted to actually do it. I attempted and it was unsuccessful. All I could do was laugh. Laugh hysterical. Because it seemed as if nothing worked. I couldn't scream. I couldn't punch. I couldn't cry. I couldn't even kill myself. All I can do is laugh. So now I go through my days laughing because it actually makes me feel good. Many see me and wonder what am I laughing about. Well, do I need something to laugh about. I just laugh because if I don't I might scream or yell or hit something. #Anxiety #Depression #anger #BipolarDisorder #scream #yell #punch #cry