I'm Ashley, and I’m 27 years old. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 17. Most days, I stay at home because it makes me feel safe. I do different activities based on how I feel, like listening to music, eating, sleeping, watching TV, journaling, and coloring. Starting conversations is really hard for me; I often struggle to think of what to say and feel very shy about messaging people first. I understand why some people might choose to leave, and I worry a lot about reaching out because I’m scared of rejection or being ignored. Sometimes I think nobody would really want to talk to me. Being in public, especially in crowds, is tough for me, which makes asking for help difficult. I don’t like making phone calls and prefer texting or emailing because I’m scared of being judged or misunderstood. I feel too nervous to talk on the phone. If I had friends to video call, I’d probably just stay quiet the entire time because I feel anxious and don’t know how to keep the conversation going. I know it’s hard for me to share all of this, but my worries often lead me to feel sad and sometimes angry. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend, who can be controlling. He tells me what to say in messages and doesn’t give me much personal space; he can be super clingy at times, but I understand because I can be the same way too. If I don’t reply right away, he deletes his messages or sends a lot of them again until I reply, which adds to my stress. Even though he helps me with daily tasks I struggle with, like cooking, hygiene, and laundry, talking on the phone is hard for me, and I love him for being there when others have left me, but it still feels complicated. He has mentioned that he has a bit of autism that he calls borderline autism, and while I support him, it can be hard for me to be alone. I’d rather be with someone who stays. I know I shouldn’t think that everyone is the same, but after being hurt many times, I can’t help but feel this way. My stepdad adds to my stress too; he often accuses me of things that aren’t true, judges my music taste, and invades my privacy by coming into my room when I’m not there. He even turns off the extension cord where my devices are plugged in, or sometimes turns off the whole fuse box just because he doesn’t like my music. One time, when I was playing my favorite band on TV, he called it witchcraft or devil music when music is something that helps me through a lot, so I listen to it on my laptop instead. I really wish my mom would stop drinking, but she refuses to get help. I know she won’t leave my stepdad because of her money problems since she has so many bills, so I feel like it’s best for me to find a way out of my situation, even if that means moving back in with my boyfriend. I don’t want to feel pressured to be independent or to get a job because that feels overwhelming. I don’t have to do anything I don't want to, and I am not comfortable with. I worry that my anger might cause me to lash out at times, which is why I don’t have a job; it would be too hard to manage that with my anger. I get a monthly check, and I’m scared that if I work, it might get cut, which makes me more anxious. I prefer saving my money because it feels easier and less stressful. I often think about moving back to my boyfriend, away from Georgia, because it might help ease my worries about being alone and having someone there, even with his controlling behavior. I love that he holds me when I cry, and I realize that I might not be making complete sense, but I just want to be in a relationship. I love him so much, and I fear that everyone will leave me. I need someone who means what they say and won’t lie or leave me. He is okay with me being dependent, and he takes care of me, which makes me feel safe. I refuse to be single because it seems like I will never find anybody else like him who can deal with me being very dependent. He has been there for me through so much, and I also hate doing things by myself because I get nervous and anxious, worrying about everything that could happen. But with him, I don’t have to worry about those things. I’ve been with him for 8 years, and even though he can be controlling, he is very loyal and has done everything to keep me safe. He comforts me when I feel alone and sad. He will never give attention to other women, and he made it clear to me that he only wants me. I have always had trouble making friends because starting conversations is hard for me. I often feel shy about messaging first, and at the same time, I don’t reach out because I am afraid of rejection and being ignored. I understand why people leave because I struggle with conversations, especially starting them. I just really miss having someone like him who comforts me when I cry. I wouldn't have to go through anything alone if I were still living with him, despite everything. I have become very clingy because my fear of rejection has led to anger over time. It is hard to control my feelings because every little thing makes me angry, and then I want to explode. It's tough not to feel angry because I’ve been hurt before, and it’s hard to be nice to people who seem to ignore me. When I think about going back to him, I won’t have to worry about being alone or feel judged for having a learning disability. I truly love him so much; he makes me happy despite his controlling behavior. I would rather deal with this than be alone with people who will leave, ignore me, or hurt me. I just needed to get everything off my chest and share what I am going through. I have spent so many holidays, occasions, and everything with him, but when I am in Georgia, I just feel very alone, isolated, or like nobody wants to hang out, and also the reason I don't reach out to other people is that I know they have their own lives, kids, and jobs, which I can understand, but it is the same as in person with making conversations. I do feel like sometimes I don't feel understood or that nobody cares because of the things that happen, but I also hate to tell people my problems or feel like a burden because I know people go through their own problems too, so I end up keeping things bottled up inside and choose to suffer or have the feeling like I will be laughed at, bullied, or judged for how I feel, my problems, or anything. I do find joy in doing things, but sometimes I just lose interest and don’t want to do anything.
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