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My Brother's "Monster" 😢😭💔💔💔

So, a few weeks ago on a Saturday, I opened an email from the Department of Corrections State of Indiana for the past 20 years like I always do however to my surprise this email was different and was about to turn my world upside-down once again!

Twenty years ago, this October 21, 2004, my brother Jesse was murdered by his estranged wife (the monster). The monster shot him to death in his new apartment 💔 😢. The state of Indiana Prosecutor's office made a plea deal with my family knowledge. The plea was for 50 years in prison, only to serve 45 years. The monster had to serve half of 45 years and be on parole for five years. In Indiana, murders only have to serve half of the sentence time despite murdering productive citizens.

The email I received was informing that the monster's release date has drastically changed and is now being released November 5, 2024. This immediately caused me to spiral emotionally and mentally I could barely breathe. I immediately informed our Mom about the drastic change to the monster's release date. I immediately searched for the contact information for the state of Indiana Prosecutor's office and called to schedule a phone conference with a prosecutor.

I had my phone conference with a new prosecutor. Unfortunately, it wasn't the one who dealt with my brother's murder case. Apparently, everyone who worked during that time has retired, so I will never have my questions answered. The prosecutor was kind enough to speak with me and our Dad for over an hour. He tried to answer some legal questions we had. However, we are left with more questions than answers.

After that phone conversation, I received another letter from the Department of Corrections stating that the monster is requesting to be placed in a transition program instead of serving the rest of the sentence in prison. Unlike 20 years ago, the Department of Corrections in Indiana has provided my family the opportunity to send in statement letters to the court and the prosecutor's office in hopes of keeping the monster in prison longer.

Now, we are waiting to hear the decision from the courts in Indiana.

I do believe in "rehabilitation" for those in jail and prison. What I don't believe in is "good behavior." Reducing a monster sentence who murdered people should never happen! Except, in those circumstances of self-defense! (These are my personal opinions. Not open for a debate) Yes, I believe in this even if the monster was my family member. There are other ways of dealing with things in life besides murder.

My views on capital punishment changed dramatically after my brother was murdered. Before that day, I believed in.the death penalty and vengeance. However, after I received that phone call, I no longer believe in judicial death penalty for all. I actually spoke the words of forgiveness towards the monster who murdered my brother.

However, unlike what society says, "Time doesn't help with pain, sorrow, heartache 💔, and so on!" I have night terrors every night, I struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically, and the images of my brother's last day plays in my mind like a movie 24/7/365!

I'm struggling and don't know how to deal right now! Help me please 🙏🏽 😢 😭 💔
#Depression #anger #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Pain #Heartache #suffering

17 reactions 5 comments
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Finish 😡

Today, I'm done with normal people. My parents dare to ask me:
-why do I put on my tens when I just injured myself and I have sed
-why do I keep moving during the family meal even though I have possible ADHD, Tsa and I have SED and I am hypersensitive to smells, sounds and others...
-why, I didn't sleep well last night even though I'm on edge because I'm out of my usual routine where I have a lot of things to soothe me and I wasn't able to put on my Tens yesterday...
What should I do ? I can not stand it anymore. At least we're going back tomorrow. But, if all future holidays are like this... I hope to do a happier post next weekend 🦊😓👋 #anger

2 reactions 1 comment
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The Invisible Bully #MentalHealth #Depression #anger

(I know this is long, but I'd really appreciate responses on this post in particular)

I already wrote part of this post before, but it got deleted even though I only turned my phone off for a few minutes. But my point is that I might miss some details I had before.

I was nearly to the point where all of my classes were at least neutral, if not good. It took the entire school year, but with less than 20 days left, I thought I had finally made it.

However, now I'm having problems in my theatre class again. We're doing our last assignment, which is a group project where we get to write a script and perform a small play. I've worked with a number of people, including this one girl who I've become friends through theatre. But I've only ever gotten to work with her once because she has a really good friend in there, and they always work together. The reason they weren't working together is because her friend was going to a regional theatre competition, so she was excused from theatre assignments. It was really fun, and she was by far the best person I had worked with in the class. But again, because of that, I've never worked with her since because all of our projects have been two people dialogs.

Until this final assignment. I was really looking forward to it, and got into the group with the girl I've worked with as well as her friend (who I've recently become a bit interested in). But there's also another guy in our group. He was the first person I worked with, but I stopped because he had some pretty violent and twisted ideas, and also sucked at listening to other people's ideas.

But now there's a bigger problem. Looking back, I've realized he's always kind of done this, but now it's just out of hand. He just constantly tears into me about everything, from my theatre skills down to the way I sit. And while the two girls listen to my ideas, this guy constantly cuts me off and doesn't like any of my ideas. He also messes around a ton, which really annoys both me and my friend, but he's even managed to distract her at times.

The problem is that everybody thinks he's this really funny guy. So he can slam into me all he wants, and nobody realizes how mean he is to me, because they can't see past this comedic type mask. He seems really nice, and is to everyone else (mostly). But obviously I see through it because I'm the target. Even my teacher doesn't realize, though that may be because he's not inherently mean to me when she's nearby.

But now I'm going to have to talk to my teacher and ask to switch groups, and then have this drama following behind me the rest of the year. And I feel like I'm gonna look like the bad guy because this guy looks like he's a great person all the time. Not to mention this'll be the last chance I have to work with the girls, who are really fun to be around.

This is really the first time I've ever truly been bullied, where it's just this frequent hostility from one person. And it doesn't really hurt that much because my self-image and confidence are off the charts. But it does make me really mad. And I just wish there was a way I could still work with my two friends but get rid of him, because I'll just end up with some group that isn't very invested in the class.

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6 reactions 2 comments
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TW AI art generators (I hate them), swearing

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As an artist, I’m so fucking sick of so many fucking companies using AI art generators that steal from others’ work without even any permission from artists. Ever since 2023, it feels that everything on the web’s AI this and AI that. My used-to-be-favorite websites started adding AI generators and became greedy and now I hate them more than ever. All of this talk of AI art is pissing me off. It’s actually pretty triggering to even bring up about this because it’s just so immoral, and seeing big companies like Microsoft and Google going even more south is just… 😡

It’s not just human artists struggling. Otherkin (those who don’t fully identify as human non-physically for various reasons (yes, it’s a real and good-faith identity)) artists exist, too such, as I. So I always tend to get very uncomfortable being called a human throughout all of this.

Is our government even doing shit about this??? This is extremely unfair that so many individuals would now rather shit on artists and use and AI art generators than requesting or do commissions to artists. Yes, I know some commissions are expensive (some too expensive, in my opinion), but some do art as a job and that should be respected!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #NoToAIArt #MentalHealth #ActualArtist #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #artist #anger #fedup #Vent #otherkin #Art #StopThis

1 reaction
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Today I Begin! Letting the small be small and allowing the good to penatrate in my head!

I've been programed so long ago to always be defensive. Being stuck in this mode I've become so less tolerant to others antics. Bullshit is what I call it. It's like I find my time being wasted always defending and explaining myself to others you want to constantly challenge me and my words. Ex." Driving down road and passenger tells me I'm in wrong lane! I know I'm not but they just have to keep on telling me till they see I'm NOT in wrong lane!! " This automatically sends me to defensive mode and it totally off sets my day with them.
I don't have a hoard of people around me daily , only a few and not all of them are self centered, believing their NEVER wrong at all.
But today im going to allow those remarks and second guessing to go in the wind. I'm exhausted from the #Anxiety , # stress, and #anger it cause my mental state each and every day. It's dragging me down. I'm going to implement all the tools my therapist has given me I'm looking forward to better results.
Im an intelligent woman, kind and caring and I'm realizing it's my re action that I can control, not others actions. So fingers crossed it pays off

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Valentine advertisements are the worst /vneg | TW exclusionism/amatonormativity, some all caps, almost breaking something

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I freaking HATE them, especially if you’re in a non-monogamous non-romantic relationship (but NOT FRIENDS). They are meant to be love-exclusive, heteronormative, and monogamy-exclusive as much as they possibly can and it makes me sick and drives me crazy to the point where I almost broke my computer screen this morning because of seeing another stupid advertisement (no worries, it’s fine)! I hate the alternative title “Single awareness day” because it further proves the belief that Valentines is “oh so romantic” and plus while many single individuals don’t really care, some are making themselves and others feel bad because of the standard belief of “being in a relationship” when they are valid with OR without a partner(s).

Valentine’s Day does NOT have to be a romantic holiday. Plus, not every experiences love, whether that be romantic, platonic, familial, or whatever. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be for everyone because it isn’t even FOR everyone, so society needs to STOP PUSHING IT DOWN OUR THROATS AND LEAVE US THE FRICK ALONE!

#Anxiety #anger #ValentinesDay #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #valentine #Love #DearSociety #Stress #Polyamory #Vent #StopThis #Exclusionism #amatonormativity #LGBTQ

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Another good therapy session

I went to therapy on Thursday I told her about my agitation that I posted about. She agrees with my dr who left that I should start DBT. So to save on my Uber trips she will do virtual visits and will ask if my psychiatrist can do the same. She wants me to go to a group like 3x a week. She noticed a mental health clinic that I was planning on going to has a DBT group and she will look into. I hope it’s virtual group therapy. She wanted me to buy a DBT workbook which I did. I did see a workbook yesterday specifically for intense emotions so I will buy that too. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #anger

13 reactions 4 comments
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Having a rough couple of days #Depression #Anxiety #anger #SuicidalThoughts

Depression has been full strength these last couple of days. I am not really looking for advice or a solution. I just need to vent.

I have been really busy this last month. I moved into my own apartment after living in a shared house with 6 other roommates. My back and sciatica have been a real problem. Work has been a challenge as well. I have only been at this job for a few months and I am starting to dred it.

I work for a local humane society in the donations dept. My job is to find the more valuable items and list them on eBay. When they sell, we pack them up and ship them. I have been making some errors with cost of shipping and items being damaged in shipping that cost us money and it is really bothering me. I get angry at myself for making these errors and I feel like I can't do the job properly. I've been having problems for several years with focus and retention which affects my everyday life.

What's really bothering me is that I feel like these problems are getting worse and I am worried about my future. I started feeling like I can't function normally and that turns my depression from mild to severe. I started having the suicidal thoughts again. My manager contributes to the depression because he constantly makes sarcastic comments that fuel my depression and anxiety. I didn't buy the right car and it's going to break down on me. My new phone is crap because the 1st day I had it I had problems with texts because a setting was wrong. And on and on. Why this is a real problem for me is because my father was overly critical of me growing up and I felt worthless. My boss is doing the same thing and I am reliving my childhood again.

I am just having a hard time dealing with this right now. My MO is to give in to the depression and get fed up with the job and quit. That doesn't solve the underlying problem that the depression is causing. I have a horrible track record with jobs. I average 3-6 months at a job because depression and anxiety cause me to quit. I have no stability or retirement benefits and retirement is fast approaching. When I reflect on these things I start to think why continue. I am not happy. I don't enjoy the things I used to. I've done pretty much everything in life I really wanted to do and I think about suicide. Right now they are just thoughts and I will work through them like I always do. I am just tired of these repeating patterns. I just want stability and peace of mind.

Thanks for letting me vent.

#Depression #Anxiety #anger #SuicidalThoughts

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How to even have more faith in society? | TW mentions of exclusionism, some swearing, some all caps

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I'm LGBTQ+. I'm transmasc non-binary. I'm otherkin (not human). I'm Black. I have autism (please don't call my autism a disorder/disability/syndrome) and anxiety, and someone with trauma. I cry very easily. I am overweight. I am a part of a plural/collective. I am non-romantically polyamorous. And every damn day, I feel like this world called society is just here to for the sole purpose to shit on others, betray others, or just to secretly judge others, including me.

Every day, it is getting much harder and harder to believe that there is a single damn individual out there (other than my current therapist, all of my partners, my dad, and a few friends) who has common sense, is open-hearted, is open-minded, and doesn't like to discriminate or invalidate others for being different or for experiencing different things, or labeling themselves differently. Sometimes, the anxiety gets to the point where it seems like going out is stupid for me. What's the point?

It's like almost every damn community I've been a part of (and left) and witnessed just LOVES to INVALIDATE OTHERS SOMEHOW?! It's so annoying and stupid and it's just like... why can't you just fucking accept someone for who they are??? All of this just makes me so fucking angry and just...!!

...Sigh. Now that that's off my chest... may I ask for advice on how to go about this? I already currently seeing a therapist, luckily. Right now, it is very very hard for me to get off this mindset because I believe it's true, sadly.. this society and all of other individuals' opinions is tearing me apart..

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #helpme #Vent #venting #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #anger #help #Society #Advice #triggerwarning #Neurodiversity #LGBTQIA #plural #otherkin

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22 reactions 5 comments