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🎠 Getting Out Of Here 💗

With so many problems in this world #Jobs and #hiring people should not be in that list. It is not the person that is always the problem, often times it is the job interviewing process. There are one too many methods that can make you want to #cry and #scream out in frustration.

Expecially when a job expects you to submit your resume and job history, and then suddenly ask you to fill it out all over again.

Jobs should look at your resume, watch how your spelling is, and view to see what kind of personality they may have. Call the applicant to get to know them a bit.

I seriously need a #DayOut of here so I can refresh my mind. #DisneyWorld and #UniversalStudios are two places that are on my mind.

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Scream, yell, punch, scream

I want to scream and yell and punch and scream. Then, i dissociate and see myself screaming and yelling and punching and screaming and crying. I used to do this in real life. When I was younger I had a lot of frustrations that I needed to let out. I would go for long walks in my neighborhood and along a golf course. Then one day I found a brick wall hidden from other bystanders to see. When upset, i would go there. It was maybe a 30 minute walk from my house. I would go there and scream and punch the wall repeatedly and cry. As I got older this act of outlashing began to unleach. When I felt too much anger or fear I started punching people in the middle of conversations. I even let it out on my ex husband. It was to the point where I would black out and not remember doing but I would see the results minutes later. So, I stopped. I kept it in. Having cut up fists and hurt loved ones was no way to live. I started to dissociate. I would go in my mind and forget where I was actually standing. Many say I looked spaced out. At those times I am. I do not see what I am actually looking at. I only see what my brain is visualizing. In my head I would be somewhere screaming and punching and crying. I didn't think I could do it in real life anymore so I did it in my mind. But at one point this turned very dark. Dark to the point where I started visualizing myself die and others die and me kill them or they kill themselves. Until one day I wanted to actually do it. I attempted and it was unsuccessful. All I could do was laugh. Laugh hysterical. Because it seemed as if nothing worked. I couldn't scream. I couldn't punch. I couldn't cry. I couldn't even kill myself. All I can do is laugh. So now I go through my days laughing because it actually makes me feel good. Many see me and wonder what am I laughing about. Well, do I need something to laugh about. I just laugh because if I don't I might scream or yell or hit something. #Anxiety #Depression #anger #BipolarDisorder #scream #yell #punch #cry

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Confused and overwhelmed by life

Lots going on trying to keep strong and positive but would appreciate any hugs or warm positive wishes my way, thanks so much and I’ll do the same for you too! 🦋🦋🦋🌈🌈 #Overwhelm #sad #happy #confused #journey #alone #Trying #counselling #hurting #DoingMyBest #cry #Selfcompassion

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Throwback reflection

There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

What surprises me the most is:
I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

I'd never wanna go back to before.

A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

Thing is, there has been terror.
I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

Crying helps me too.
If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
I've been backfired.
* I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
So - I still can change and for the better.
There's and I have hope in it.

#Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

22 reactions 5 comments
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I feel Down.

I don't know why, All of a sudden my deelings of #Depression hits me. I just feel #sad Like i wanna #cry . I have zero reason to.

I sometimes don't feel like i belong on this #App . I try my best to be respectful and polite on here. Sorry if sometimes i say the wrong thing. Or whati wanna say doesn't come out like it sounds in my head. Or people can take things the wrong why. I never mean to hurt anyone. So sorry if i have,

#TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth

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Don't #worry Your Sweet Self

#Hello my friends. It's me again. Here is a photo of my emotional support baby girl, Tali. She was named after an NCIS show character. She always comes to the rescue when I start to cry. Somehow, she just detects when an emotional episode is about to occur. She maybe detects something in my breathing, or some other cue.

When I #cry she gives me #puppykisses . I seem to need her more and more these days.

Do you have an #Emotionalsupport animal?

1 reaction 1 comment
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Fear

Hi! This is my first post on The Mighty. I am very scared right now. I am worried that the cancer is back, and I am not being taken seriously enough. I just want to cry...but I can't seem to. It doesn't help that I have caffeine circling my body right now making me even more anxious.

#CheckInWithMe #Cancer #pancreas #pancreatic #pancreatitis #Caffeine #cry #scared #anxious

4 comments
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Dear Depression

I've had to talk my way out of depression...

Walk my way out...

Laugh my way out, jokingly.

I've tried to lie my way out & pry my way out;

You always find me!

Even when I hide behind others, things, drinks, clouds of smoke, lust & mistrust, silence and chaos,

You seem to always find me.

I often wonder if you ever visit anyone else besides myself?

Nevertheless, we've become fond friends; depression & me.

You no longer scared me & I never frightened you, clearly.

We learned to love each other & coexist...

In reality & amongst the abyss.

Some days when I seemed too happy to be true,

Depression, I looked for you. 🌖

#Depression #laugh#cry

5 comments
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Good morning, have a blessed day.#Goodmorning #Happyday

I wake up feeling tired still. I also wake up feeling #sad for some reason. A tiny feeling of good old #Anxiety Today is looking to be a gloomy day. It could clear. Today is a free day. I have nothing going on. I almost feel like i could #cry . I don't really feel #Depression . I just feel really low mood. Some days i have times i look back on thinking of stuff i like to forget forever,#moody

#blah

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