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    Throwback reflection

    There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
    Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

    What surprises me the most is:
    I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

    It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
    I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
    I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

    I'd never wanna go back to before.

    A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
    What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

    Thing is, there has been terror.
    I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

    I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
    Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

    Crying helps me too.
    If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
    Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
    To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
    It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

    Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
    Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

    Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

    But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
    Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
    I've been backfired.
    * I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

    I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
    And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
    And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
    So - I still can change and for the better.
    There's and I have hope in it.

    #Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

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    I feel Down.

    I don't know why, All of a sudden my deelings of #Depression hits me. I just feel #sad Like i wanna #cry . I have zero reason to.

    I sometimes don't feel like i belong on this #App . I try my best to be respectful and polite on here. Sorry if sometimes i say the wrong thing. Or whati wanna say doesn't come out like it sounds in my head. Or people can take things the wrong why. I never mean to hurt anyone. So sorry if i have,

    #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth

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    Don't #worry Your Sweet Self

    #Hello my friends. It's me again. Here is a photo of my emotional support baby girl, Tali. She was named after an NCIS show character. She always comes to the rescue when I start to cry. Somehow, she just detects when an emotional episode is about to occur. She maybe detects something in my breathing, or some other cue.

    When I #cry she gives me #puppykisses . I seem to need her more and more these days.

    Do you have an #Emotionalsupport animal?

    1 comment
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    Fear

    Hi! This is my first post on The Mighty. I am very scared right now. I am worried that the cancer is back, and I am not being taken seriously enough. I just want to cry...but I can't seem to. It doesn't help that I have caffeine circling my body right now making me even more anxious.

    #CheckInWithMe #Cancer #pancreas #pancreatic #pancreatitis #Caffeine #cry #scared #anxious

    4 comments
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    Dear Depression

    I've had to talk my way out of depression...

    Walk my way out...

    Laugh my way out, jokingly.

    I've tried to lie my way out & pry my way out;

    You always find me!

    Even when I hide behind others, things, drinks, clouds of smoke, lust & mistrust, silence and chaos,

    You seem to always find me.

    I often wonder if you ever visit anyone else besides myself?

    Nevertheless, we've become fond friends; depression & me.

    You no longer scared me & I never frightened you, clearly.

    We learned to love each other & coexist...

    In reality & amongst the abyss.

    Some days when I seemed too happy to be true,

    Depression, I looked for you. 🌖

    #Depression #laugh#cry

    5 comments
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    Good morning, have a blessed day.#Goodmorning #Happyday

    I wake up feeling tired still. I also wake up feeling #sad for some reason. A tiny feeling of good old #Anxiety Today is looking to be a gloomy day. It could clear. Today is a free day. I have nothing going on. I almost feel like i could #cry . I don't really feel #Depression . I just feel really low mood. Some days i have times i look back on thinking of stuff i like to forget forever,#moody

    #blah

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    I found something about myself today

    I found something about myself today.

    Since I was a teenager, my biggest nightmare was something I called "aam zindagi" which translates to "common life". In the nightmare, I was an unaccomplished person who was married to someone who didn't love me, I had two kids I never wanted, and I was just a housewife whose job was to cook and clean only.

    A lot jas happened since then. A person whom I loved who didn't love me back and my resulting inability to love anyone else, my battles with loneliness, the war I fought (and am still fighting) with anxiety and depression, grandmother's cancer, my father who said I have no rights to the childhood home I grew up in, my mother's constant screaming, my brother who has a low IQ and ADHD which makes it difficult for him fo study and be normal (I'm always worried about his future), and the 35 bmi that I now have because of stress eating, hair fall, the constant tension headaches which seem to come and go as per their will, and the fact that I am 24 now and soon I'll have to either marry someone (arranged only since for love marriage you need to have someone whom you love and who loves you) or be a lonely woman in the near future.

    I could not fully understand why was I triggered by the word "marriage", but now I do. It seems to be the last step in making my actual life "aam zindagi". A life I used to once consider worse than death itself.

    But I did something different today too. I walked and talked with a guy I met on Tinder for nearly 4 hours, I reconnected with a college friend, and I finally made up my mind and finally made up my mind to say no to someone with whom I didn't want to spend time with but was kinda forcing myself.

    I know the college friend won't be there in my life forever, and the Tinder guy I met today is, well maybe a little cute yes (and I can kinda imagine kissing him), won't be able to help scare my loneliness away. After the call with my college friend I listened to "One More Light" and cried. I cried and understood my fear of the word "marriage", why is that a trigger for me. I finally admitted to myself that I want friends and I want someone to love me, someone I love as well. And it might sound needy, but we as humans need a social network to thrive.

    I don't know what this realization means and what I gotta do now. But I know a little more about myself today. I really hope that one day I am free of this fear of loneliness and be happy. The current image I have is surrounded by friends, resting after a day of fun with my head on my lover's chest. I don't know if this image is correct, needy, unrealistic, or what but I hope that one day I'm as happy as I look like in that image.

    Brain's empty now. I love reading people's comments and thoughts so feel free to do so. 🤗
    Forgive any typos, I didn't review this one before writing.

    #Loneliness #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #cry #nightmare #scaryfuture #idk

    11 comments
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    Random acts of #Love or #Kindness make me #cry uncontrollably. Every single time, everything is entirely too emotional. #why ? Why do I do this? Am I #alone ?

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    Im crying so bad i couldnt stop

    im crying so bad. so tonight i told my ex that im ending our conversation and im no longer gonna disturb him. it was so tough for me to say all those. i texted him whilst crying. only god knows how much i miss him and love him so much. he kept telling me to change to start praying and all which i dont do bc of my depression it makes me tired to get up and have no energy. but he dont understand me. n he keep asking me to change. the reason he left me was bc of these too. he said to me how he hopes that i changed so he could be together with me and that hurts me to be honest. i had to end the convo was bc he keep saying hes tired to fight with me, he's this and that. i love him so much and miss him a lot..i cant stop crying.. someone help me. how i wish he came back and talk to me. now what is left is memory. and it keeps playing in my mind. he was such a good bf, he treated me good someone pls talk to me. #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #cry

    2 comments