No motivation whatsoever. The things that once brought me joy bring about anxiety or fear when I think about doing it. What if I fail!? What if there is mess!? What if I'm left with cleaning it up?! What if everyone hates it?! The days are long, boring,( I know mum that makes me a boring person) ... unproductive. REPETITIVE AND MONOTONOUS! FOR WHAT!? why look nice,my spouse say he likes me the best in sweats and a shirt... why shower. Know one is smelling me anyway. Its not like im getting sex all the time like I would want cuz hes " tired".... I have done the hair, the makeup, new outfits, cooking his favorite meal. And I get, the end of the night sex, ... after everyone is in bed, after he has turned on a show in our bed....
I just look at my life and go... THIS IS IT.?! then I spiral. I dont have money to get the DBT therapy that I so desperately need. He gets tools for work. Food. Work clothes. I have to go and pawn toys or dvds so that I can buy myself a pair of jeans cuz I dont have any or pay for school fees for the kids. I ALWATS put myself LAST. and its an eye roll. Or a HUGE SIGH, if I even ask for a night away. Or a winter coat THAT I DONT OWN IN CANADA... because we " can't afford it" ...
And then I spiral...
I NEED DBT therapy... no money.
I need to paint.... no money
I need a night away... no money.
I need to feel appreciated.... he has " no time".....