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Every Day is Winter: Living the Groundhog Life

Apologies for the lack of posts lately. Among the things that no one ever prepares you for, I have found, through the better part of the last decade, that to get ahead in life, I’ve had to learn to become my own doctor, come to terms with my childhood trauma, PTSD, and dysfunctional family, AND realise that I probably should have followed through on my childhood ambition to become a lawyer.

It’s all knowledge that I’ve acquired through the baptism of fire. All these great obstacles are daunting, in addition to my efforts to become a published author. It’s a tall order for anyone, let alone for us souls who have to trudge on in spite of our limiting chronic illness.

Spoonies often refer to the “sloth life”, but I feel like I’m living the “groundhog life”.

Every day for the past few years, my declining health has forced me toward being almost completely homebound, and increasingly bed bound. It feels like I stumbled into a version of the Bill Murray movie “Groundhog Day.” It’s like waking up to the same Sonny and Cher song, “I Got You Babe”, every day, and no matter how hard I try to push against the tide, the song just keeps blaring day after day with little hope of an end in sight.

Phil tries every trick in the book to escape his personal purgatory—from learning piano, to kidnapping the groundhog, to attempting to off himself. I don’t particularly recommend any of these besides learning piano, but I do endorse finding your personal escape strategy.

For me as far back as I can remember, books have always been a constant source of escape. I have never been the gardening type, but I have found that I make a decent indoor mother of plants. And I have acquired a newfound sense of joy in cultivating plants on my window ledge that I’ve nursed into prosperity and the harvesting of baby plants. So much so, that our house may soon resemble something of an indoor jungle.

And, by happenstance and the recent heat we’ve had here in England, I accidentally stumbled into the world of naturally fermented ginger beer. It makes sense when you think of it and after doing a little research, I found ginger is rich in natural yeasts and probiotics so that when naturally fermented the health benefits are similar to that of kombucha.

While I can never bring myself to watch overly cheesy daytime television, I must confess that I’m probably on my third rewatch of the shows I enjoy most. But, I feel there’s only so many times I can rewatch beloved movies and series before I start feel a little brain dead.

Enter the realm of documentaries. Historical, political, musical—it’s all there for the taking and I’m totally on board. Although I must confess that I am growing weary of the unending supply of documentaries that contribute to the depersonalisation of women, that is the world of murder mystery documentaries.

Amidst all this, I’m soldiering on with attempts at better health by doing weekly oxygen chamber sessions. I’m working slowly and systematically, to get my GP on board by updating her about my health to try and erode the “me versus them” vibe they created when they declared me to be mentally ill, rather than physically ill. And I’m slowly toiling away at polishing the first draft of the novella I’ve written, inspired by my experience with chronic health.

I remain hopeful that I will soon summit the Mount Doom that has been my legal drama of the past seven years, to hold the executor of my late father’s estate accountable for their failures and the tangible harm and distress this has caused. The greatest of which has undoubtedly been being robbed of the opportunity to fully reconcile with my late father’s death. Because I had to put my grief aside in order to battle the dragons that are lawyers, who by nature and profession, cannot admit to failure even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

After all that has happened over the past few years, it is never far from my mind, how much life with a chronic illness is like living in a great organ grinding machine, where our societal value is that much more diminished by our inabilities. The demons and monsters that we are forced to fight against every day, make Phil’s struggle to become a better person and get the girl to escape Groundhog Day, look tame and mild by comparison.

But, and it’s a big BUT, I have also learned to find joy in repetition, positivity in discarding rather than consuming, strength in the struggle, a new understanding of how much I took for granted in the past—so that I have an increased sense of gratitude in the good that I have in my life.

As Phil says after his transformation “When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter."

It is unjust that many of us are forced to live in a sort of permafrost, without acknowledgment or adequate support. However, we do have control over how we experience the bleak and dark winter, by choosing to foster and create our own light.

And it is out of this light, no matter how small, that propitious hope will always find a way to bloom and prosper.

#MyCondition #Fibromyalgia #ChronicFatigue #Thoughts #WritingThroughIt #TheLittleThings #DistractMe #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicPain

10 reactions 1 comment
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A Mighty Question

Do you ever have deep insecurities surface at unexpected times?

The other day, I was commuting to my new job but I was deeply overwhelmed with a bout of insecurity based on comparisons: a successful career worker/professional verses being a life long worker in various fields.

I spent most of my adult life in ministry. However, outside of ministry, I have held various types of positions. And at times, I notice that I am envious of people who have held careers for years. Yet, I also cringe when I hear of a person working in the same position for thirty years! I cannot image driving or commuting the same way to work, every day at the same time, and doing the exact same thing for thirty years!!! Wow! The Lord gad really allowed me to do A BUNCH OF THINGS during the past thirty years.

So, here I am….insecure and content….wondering if others encounter such an emotional contradiction.🤔

Let me share this but of info as a causation for my conundrum. I just started a new job in a position I have done before. My body aches as it readjust to the physical demands necessary. And I am trying to adjust to this new role, physically. So, my surfaced insecurities might be my emotional way of adjusting to this new endeavor. Also, this is my first position after a year of recuperating from a sustained TBI.

Any #Thoughts ? #experience ? #knowledge ? Please feel free to share them in the comments section below.❤️

#Anxiety #PTSD #TBI
#BrainInjury #CPTSD

15 reactions 6 comments

Making amends with people from the past

The past week I've tried making amends with people from the past. First a very good friend I've had with whom I had a great connection. I chose my relationship over him after he and my ex-partner A.T. had a small fight. My ex didn't want to apologize for his behaviour and after that the friendship basically ended.

I've also tried getting in touch with my grandparents now my long distance relationship has ended. He told me that my other ex told him that my grandparents took his side after the divorce. I believed him and closed myself completely off from them. I sent them a card and some flowers, and last night I found out through my ex that hey threw them away...

My long distance ex has ruined so many things for me. He has destroyed my mental health and my entire life. Meanwhile he's acting like it's all my fault and that he's the victim. But he still has everything and everyone. He still keeps attacking me and told me that no one likes me, loves me or wants me.

I'm trying to move on and forget about it all... but right now I'm so triggered. And I can't find a good way to calm down my thoughts. It's like a war in my head right now. And the thoughts that keep popping up the most is "it's better when I'm dead"...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Friends #Love #AbusiveRelationship #Relationships #IntrusiveThoughts #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

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Triggerwarning: self-harming

It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time that I've cut myself. I'm currently in since a dark place and it feels like I'm not getting out of it. Stupid thing is that things are getting "better". There's finally some progress in getting my benefits so I don't have to work for a while. The supervisors from the dayshelter are helping me find a place to live. I even have an appointment tomorrow with a landlord to discuss possible apartments or rooms. We've even talked about this building where you have your own room, but it's partly under supervision. Which would be amazing for me.

But even though there are these positive things going on, I'm falling back. I've been drinking more again, after being sober for almost 2 years.

And today I've cut myself again.

Why do I keep doing this? And how do I get out of this dark place that I'm in?

I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore... I wish I could just dissappear. I want it all to be over. I want it all to end...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #depressed #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

36 reactions 13 comments

Emotions and alcohol

I thought saying goodbye to my favourite person (getting rid of everything like drawings and paintings and pictures etc.) would get me in a better mood. Instead I had a huge fall back tonight.

I started drinking more and more. And I am now realising that it was not a good idea. I've been an alcoholic and my ex a.k.a. my favourite person helped me off of it. And tonight I've made the mistake to drink a lot again.

I'm so afraid that I'm falling back again. My emotions are racing through my body again. I'm vulnerable and I feel like I'm about to make mistakes again by contacting him.

He even emailed me that he tried to call me earlier tonight, but I've changed my number. He said he was in the Netherlands. In the city that I am currently staying. He thought I would have loved to meet him in person. This was about an hour after I got rid of everything. So first I felt strong, then I felt weak, and then I started drinking again.

He was good for me. But at the same time he destroyed me with the things he has said. He's my weakness as well. I just don't want to think about him anymore. He and I are not good for each other. He only blames me unfortunately. And he doesn't see his own narcissist and God complex behaviour... meanwhile I want to work on my problems. But he doesn't even admit that he has them...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #Relationships #AbusiveRelationship #Addiction #Alcohol #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

5 reactions 2 comments

Favourite person

As a kid my favourite person used to be my grandmother. She died when I was 10 years old. After that I didn't have a favourite person anymore until 2 years ago. He became my best friend, we fell in love and got into a relationship.

We met each other through gaming and it has been a long distance relationship all that time. A week+ ago our relationship permanently ended. We've had breaks before because we both had our issues, but I got the blame for everything.

I have blocked him everywhere, but I still look at his Instagram account through this anonymous website. I know he's not good for me. After everything he said to me and accused me of, I know I need to let him go. But I keep going around in this same circle. I'm not texting him or calling him anymore, which is already a huge step.

After being a victim of his emotional and mental abuse I'm trying to push him out of my system. I act like I hate him and don't love him anymore. But my heart is filled with him. He moved on with his best friend the day after our break up. A week later (3 days ago) he emailed me. Saying he misses me and loves me. And that he's coming to the Netherlands next weekend because he's meeting with my ex (they're friends now). And that I should talk to him so he could take me with him.

I've made the mistake of calling him. Because as soon as I did he threw all of these things in my face. I was emotional and he made it worse. He then made out I attacked him...

How do I get over him and forget about him? I know there's no future for us. Because he always controlled me. Told me not do things like, hanging out with other people, talking to old friends through social media, stop drinking coffee, stop wearing mascara and eyeliner, stop doing things with my hair etc. He always said I looked more beautiful natural. I did all of that and it still wasn't enough. In his eyes I could never do anything right and it feels like I never was enough. He's now back with his best friend again and knows I'm watching his instagram account anonymously, because some of my post were a reply to his when he posted something hurtful about me. He keeps doing it now to try and get a reaction out of me. But I'm not reacting anymore. It hurts though.

How can you tell someone you love them, want a future with them. Get married. Have kids and that you'll never leave them and always keep them safe, but because they don't live their life like you want them to, just end everything and blame them for the destruction and the break up!?

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #Relationships #Thoughts

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Borderline Personality Disorder and high sex drive

For me it has always been normal to have a high sex drive. My ex partner could never keep up, so I just had these toys to give myself that pleasure.

I don't need that connection with a person in order to have sex. If someone is physically attractive to me or if I've had some alcohol it is already enough for me.

I'm currently staying in a homeless shelter where I currently share a room with 2 other women. I've been here for a little longer than 3 months. Which means I haven't been able to do anything all this time. But even in the current situation my sex drive is still as high as ever. Which means I have been frustrated for over 3 months now.

I read online that having a high sex drive is connected with BPD. But I don't believe everything I read online. So, I was wondering if other people experience this as well? Like, do you also have a high sex drive? And is there some other way to deal with this?

I know that for most people this isn't an easy topic to talk about, but I'm open about everything so I can discuss this topic very easily without shame.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Sex #Thoughts #Relationships

2 reactions 3 comments

Nothing day

Im having one of those days where everything feels challenging. Getting up to go to the bathroom? Difficult. Preparing decent meals? Impossible. Washing my hair? The biggest challenge. My chronic skin condition and the fatigue/dépression that accompanies it has drained me.

My only comforts have been my amazingly patient and supportive partner and my Nintendo switch (lol). I’ve stayed in bed for the majority of the day and just feel like I was hit by a bus. I know tomorrow is a new day but I can’t help but feel I wasted this one… and maybe that’s ok?

#Thoughts #exhausted #Eczema #Depression

4 reactions 4 comments
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The Evolution of Grief

Grief changes over time, or perhaps more realistically it’s our thoughts, our feelings, and emotions, that become altered and change with time. The grief is still there. Other life things are added, and the grief then presents itself not as predominantly. #Grief #BreastCancer #Cancer (-not me, but my daughter) #Family #PTSD #Depression #Thoughts

20 reactions 11 comments