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Bad Decisions

There are times where I feel like I make some really #baddecisions and it becomes a major #challenge for me to handle #BipolarDisorder symptoms. I thought about how things have been, and how I have struggled.

My husband has been supportive of me since 2009, but when he said the other day that he felt more like a #Caregiver than a husband, I felt #sick inside. I became very #emotional and wondered why I could not shake the feelings off. I felt hurt, because through sickness and #Health we are supposed to be a support for one another.

Lately I have reached a peak of my sexuality, and my husband is disinterested. I have thought about finding a #Boyfriend or a #Girlfriend to spend intimate time with. I felt terrible about it. My husband told me that it was OK to do it, as long as he didn't know about it and not bring them to my home.

It made me wonder... Does he even really care? Or does he care so much about my feelings that he would rather me be #satisfied than #deprived ? I do not know.

What are your #Thoughts about this one?

#Bipolar #MentalHealth #feelingconfused #Anxiety #Depression #INeedAnswers

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Behind the Smile hides a Sea of Secrets

#imagine your #Life as a #different person. Imagine that you do not have a #MentalHealth condition that affects your everyday life. Think about it. Would you really be #happier by being Not You? I do not think so.

#everybody has #Problems , this is a phrase we hear a lot. It seems to minimize your own issues and make it seem as though someone else's means more #severe than your own concerns.

We are #luckier than most but not as lucky as some. That's another phrase an ex boyfriend once told me. I believe it. I may be #struggling to make #sense of things, but it will not make me #stop #Trying to do the right thing.

What are your #Thoughts ?

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Every Day is Winter: Living the Groundhog Life

Apologies for the lack of posts lately. Among the things that no one ever prepares you for, I have found, through the better part of the last decade, that to get ahead in life, I’ve had to learn to become my own doctor, come to terms with my childhood trauma, PTSD, and dysfunctional family, AND realise that I probably should have followed through on my childhood ambition to become a lawyer.

It’s all knowledge that I’ve acquired through the baptism of fire. All these great obstacles are daunting, in addition to my efforts to become a published author. It’s a tall order for anyone, let alone for us souls who have to trudge on in spite of our limiting chronic illness.

Spoonies often refer to the “sloth life”, but I feel like I’m living the “groundhog life”.

Every day for the past few years, my declining health has forced me toward being almost completely homebound, and increasingly bed bound. It feels like I stumbled into a version of the Bill Murray movie “Groundhog Day.” It’s like waking up to the same Sonny and Cher song, “I Got You Babe”, every day, and no matter how hard I try to push against the tide, the song just keeps blaring day after day with little hope of an end in sight.

Phil tries every trick in the book to escape his personal purgatory—from learning piano, to kidnapping the groundhog, to attempting to off himself. I don’t particularly recommend any of these besides learning piano, but I do endorse finding your personal escape strategy.

For me as far back as I can remember, books have always been a constant source of escape. I have never been the gardening type, but I have found that I make a decent indoor mother of plants. And I have acquired a newfound sense of joy in cultivating plants on my window ledge that I’ve nursed into prosperity and the harvesting of baby plants. So much so, that our house may soon resemble something of an indoor jungle.

And, by happenstance and the recent heat we’ve had here in England, I accidentally stumbled into the world of naturally fermented ginger beer. It makes sense when you think of it and after doing a little research, I found ginger is rich in natural yeasts and probiotics so that when naturally fermented the health benefits are similar to that of kombucha.

While I can never bring myself to watch overly cheesy daytime television, I must confess that I’m probably on my third rewatch of the shows I enjoy most. But, I feel there’s only so many times I can rewatch beloved movies and series before I start feel a little brain dead.

Enter the realm of documentaries. Historical, political, musical—it’s all there for the taking and I’m totally on board. Although I must confess that I am growing weary of the unending supply of documentaries that contribute to the depersonalisation of women, that is the world of murder mystery documentaries.

Amidst all this, I’m soldiering on with attempts at better health by doing weekly oxygen chamber sessions. I’m working slowly and systematically, to get my GP on board by updating her about my health to try and erode the “me versus them” vibe they created when they declared me to be mentally ill, rather than physically ill. And I’m slowly toiling away at polishing the first draft of the novella I’ve written, inspired by my experience with chronic health.

I remain hopeful that I will soon summit the Mount Doom that has been my legal drama of the past seven years, to hold the executor of my late father’s estate accountable for their failures and the tangible harm and distress this has caused. The greatest of which has undoubtedly been being robbed of the opportunity to fully reconcile with my late father’s death. Because I had to put my grief aside in order to battle the dragons that are lawyers, who by nature and profession, cannot admit to failure even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

After all that has happened over the past few years, it is never far from my mind, how much life with a chronic illness is like living in a great organ grinding machine, where our societal value is that much more diminished by our inabilities. The demons and monsters that we are forced to fight against every day, make Phil’s struggle to become a better person and get the girl to escape Groundhog Day, look tame and mild by comparison.

But, and it’s a big BUT, I have also learned to find joy in repetition, positivity in discarding rather than consuming, strength in the struggle, a new understanding of how much I took for granted in the past—so that I have an increased sense of gratitude in the good that I have in my life.

As Phil says after his transformation “When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter."

It is unjust that many of us are forced to live in a sort of permafrost, without acknowledgment or adequate support. However, we do have control over how we experience the bleak and dark winter, by choosing to foster and create our own light.

And it is out of this light, no matter how small, that propitious hope will always find a way to bloom and prosper.

#MyCondition #Fibromyalgia #ChronicFatigue #Thoughts #WritingThroughIt #TheLittleThings #DistractMe #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicPain

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A Mighty Question

Do you ever have deep insecurities surface at unexpected times?

The other day, I was commuting to my new job but I was deeply overwhelmed with a bout of insecurity based on comparisons: a successful career worker/professional verses being a life long worker in various fields.

I spent most of my adult life in ministry. However, outside of ministry, I have held various types of positions. And at times, I notice that I am envious of people who have held careers for years. Yet, I also cringe when I hear of a person working in the same position for thirty years! I cannot image driving or commuting the same way to work, every day at the same time, and doing the exact same thing for thirty years!!! Wow! The Lord gad really allowed me to do A BUNCH OF THINGS during the past thirty years.

So, here I am….insecure and content….wondering if others encounter such an emotional contradiction.🤔

Let me share this but of info as a causation for my conundrum. I just started a new job in a position I have done before. My body aches as it readjust to the physical demands necessary. And I am trying to adjust to this new role, physically. So, my surfaced insecurities might be my emotional way of adjusting to this new endeavor. Also, this is my first position after a year of recuperating from a sustained TBI.

Any #Thoughts ? #experience ? #knowledge ? Please feel free to share them in the comments section below.❤️

#Anxiety #PTSD #TBI
#BrainInjury #CPTSD

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Making amends with people from the past

The past week I've tried making amends with people from the past. First a very good friend I've had with whom I had a great connection. I chose my relationship over him after he and my ex-partner A.T. had a small fight. My ex didn't want to apologize for his behaviour and after that the friendship basically ended.

I've also tried getting in touch with my grandparents now my long distance relationship has ended. He told me that my other ex told him that my grandparents took his side after the divorce. I believed him and closed myself completely off from them. I sent them a card and some flowers, and last night I found out through my ex that hey threw them away...

My long distance ex has ruined so many things for me. He has destroyed my mental health and my entire life. Meanwhile he's acting like it's all my fault and that he's the victim. But he still has everything and everyone. He still keeps attacking me and told me that no one likes me, loves me or wants me.

I'm trying to move on and forget about it all... but right now I'm so triggered. And I can't find a good way to calm down my thoughts. It's like a war in my head right now. And the thoughts that keep popping up the most is "it's better when I'm dead"...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Friends #Love #AbusiveRelationship #Relationships #IntrusiveThoughts #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

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Triggerwarning: self-harming

It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time that I've cut myself. I'm currently in since a dark place and it feels like I'm not getting out of it. Stupid thing is that things are getting "better". There's finally some progress in getting my benefits so I don't have to work for a while. The supervisors from the dayshelter are helping me find a place to live. I even have an appointment tomorrow with a landlord to discuss possible apartments or rooms. We've even talked about this building where you have your own room, but it's partly under supervision. Which would be amazing for me.

But even though there are these positive things going on, I'm falling back. I've been drinking more again, after being sober for almost 2 years.

And today I've cut myself again.

Why do I keep doing this? And how do I get out of this dark place that I'm in?

I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore... I wish I could just dissappear. I want it all to be over. I want it all to end...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #depressed #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

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