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8:00pm.
The curse of an active mind; it never stops.
It's worst in the quiet moments, the ones without focus or direction. It's like coasting on ice skates, smooth and serene, the chill air slicing around you as you glide, unaware of a speck on the ice just in front of you.
A sudden shift. Your foot juts to the side, and you lose an edge. For an instant, you make an attempt to recover, but in that split second, you've already crossed the tipping point. You've lost control, tumbling down a chaotic freefall to the surface, at the mercy of wherever the forces take you, unable to stop your fall or slow your slide until all energy is spent...or you hit a wall.
So it goes, at least in my mind. I fall down caverns of thought; dark tunnels burrowing deep into the inner recesses of memory and fear, sadness and regret. Like a branching artery, the ride speeds under pressure, shifting this way and that from spark to spark, thought to thought, down trails I can't predict and don't know how to stop. Each revisited idea hurts on top of the last. Every mistake, every cut, every potential misfortune that hasn't even come to pass shone on a screen in my head. It rips my psyche open and splays me apart, exposed and scared, despondent about what was and fearful of what could be.
And I'm back at my kitchen table, the walls returning to focus, shadows playing around the room. Swallow, breathe, shake my head. Stand up and walk away.
8:01pm.
#Memory #Depression #activemind #Thoughts #Journal #Anxiety #MentalHealth #panic
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