Join the Conversation on
2.7K people
0 stories
352 posts
  • Explore Our Newsletters
  • What's New in

    ° " Sooo I Got Home Extremely Angry.. " ° #Thought 's

    ° " I Was Forced To Stay An Extra Hour Later Because My Boss Was Complaining That She Didn't Have Anyone To Register. It Was Only Her... The Shift Leader And Me And An Older Co-worker... I Hate That It's Alway's Me... That Never Get's My Lunch Break's That's Made To Stay Cleaning Up After Other's... And The Only One That Get's Constantly Called Into Work... And Who Is Constantly Gossiped About Daily... Idk What I Did To Deserve All Of This B.S. And Most Of My Co-Worker's... Are Truly Racist And Discriminating Against Me All The Time... I'm So Just Tired Of People To Be Honest.. I Have The Most Two-Faced Boss Ever Because She Alway's Tell's Me That She Understand's What I Go Through... Um No You Don't You Overworked And Overwhelmed Me.. And Are Only Super Nice To Me.. When It's Only Convenient For Yourself..." ° Sincerely, S.K
    #Thoughts #anger

    See full photo

    Snap, Crackle, Pop!

    Though my health has incrementally improvements these past few months, I still remain for the better of each day, bedbound.

    This week has been my first lo-fi birthday since my health worsened where “living large” consisted of a walk with the dogs, followed by microwave mug cake and a movie with my better half. It was everything I could have wanted from the day, and I decided to spoil myself today with a posy of daffodils to look at for the hours I’m confined to bed.

    I am always strangely fascinated by the odd minutiae we take for granted when we are so occupied with the hastened pace of life that we accept as societal norms. Like that if we aren’t busy, then we seemingly aren’t living our best life all the time, except for ‘self care’ which is often equally demanding of our time and energy.

    The influencer crowd have done a great job of appropriating the concept, with many ways to hawk ‘self care’ products to us where they wax lyrical about the benefits of quartz facial rollers and the like—which in my experience, get used (mostly in false hope) for a few months, then it becomes forgotten and relegated to the back of our drawers. But fear not—for there is another influencer waiting in the wings to energetically urge you to overhaul your living space and spend time removing all the items from our homes that no longer spark joy!

    If for no other reason; being hospitalised and so poisoned by my thyroid medication I could barely achieve the walks to the loo, makes me happy to have been forcibly removed from the zeitgeist hamster wheel of consumption where you get to spend a lot of time and effort doing things that don’t actually matter to you, and now focusing only on the things that matter most to me from now on.

    And today I have discovered a simple joy that escaped my notice throughout all the springs past where I’ve purchased cheerful little daffodils. Today as I sat in my room I have witnessed several snaps, crackles and pops as they began to unravel in the water and bust open their tight little petals like they’re teasing me with their blooming arrival 🥰

    I hate many thing about being sick, but finally starting to see life from a renewed perspective and a greater appreciation of the littlest of things, is something that I could never regret 🌼

    What things have you begun to notice that escaped your attention before?

    #DistractMe #MyCondition #Thoughts #Flowers #justforfun #Fun #ChronicFatigue #bedbound #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #InvisibleIllness #DisabilityTalk

    13 reactions 3 comments

    Unpacking Thinking Patterns

    I took a walk the other day and noticed my “quick thinking” way of walking despite it being a lovely warm day. My “quick thinking” was then analyzed and I wondered if this behavior was really a practiced survival technique that has been groomed and perfected for many years.

    Here are examples of my so-called quick detection skills:

    - bracing for a car’s movement as I pass a driveway even when no lights are on or blinking on the vehicle;

    - testing a dark section of a sidewalk to make sure it is not a remnant of ice or oil;


    - letting a car pass that arrives at a crosswalk just when I am about to step off the curb.

    So, as I expose my “quick thinking” skills in writing, I once again ponder a now more evident reality: I am operating out of fear in nearly everything I do. And the question I pose to you #CPTSD folks, on #TheMighty , is this: are my “quick thinking” skills normal behavior or are these characteristics typical survival traits associated with C-PTSD? I asked myself this question while taking that wonderful ‘relaxing’ walk because I am finally understanding what true self-care really means. And self-care is really not dominated, motivated, or controlled by fear. 😉.

    Any #Thoughts ????

    6 reactions 3 comments

    Oh February..

    This month has been a true mental test for sure. Some days I felt as if I was failing at life. Some days I felt as if I failed myself due to reliving past experiences that brought up previous trauma. Putting me in survival mode. Not wanting to be home, in what's suppose to be my safe haven.
    This month has left me sitting in my thoughts on repeat. Same conversation on repeat. Getting in my head more than l should. I've cried more this month than the last 1.5 yr of being on this healing journey.
    I've gone hiking more this month than the last 2 yrs of trying to get back into it. Some days it helps the mental state but others I'm left in my car dreading to come inside.
    This wknd all my body wanted to do was rest. Stay in bed all day. I've got chores that need to be taken care of. Neglected them for quite some time now. Today, called outta work & yet I sit on my bed distracting myself with my phone.
    Anxiety has been all over the place due to everything I've allowed my mind to consume. Therapy hasn't been feeling like I'm accomplishing anything. This wk I start EMDR in my sessions. Excited yet nervous for that. Hoping it helps. Letting these cognitive disortions take over is a constant battle. As much work as I do to flip the script, I'm back to dealing with intrusive thoughts. Constant battle. Self sabotage is a constant flaw.
    This month has eaten me alive & I'm trying to get out of the trenches. This time last yr I was living happily. Accomplishing so much on my to do list of healing. Felt more alive then than I do now. Depression has been brutal this month. Silly situation I allowed in my life knowing the outcome. Hope is a crazy thing to have in certain areas of life.
    I just need clarity back in my life. Confidence. Love. Happiness. Respect. Peace. I need it all. I need to get out of my damn head. That's my main blockage.

    March, I see you! Number 3 outta 12. I need you to show me grace. Show me clarity. Lead me to adventure. To happiness. To laughter. Guide me to courage. To wisdom. To strength. I'm asking you to push me to progress, not regression. Push me harder than February did. There's only 12 of y'all & you're number 3... time is ticking! Life is moving. Let's goo!!

    #Anxiety #Depression #Migraines #Trauma #Insomnia #GAD #PTSD #Therapy #CBT #Healing #Thoughts #CheckInWithMe

    9 reactions 1 comment
    See full photo

    Intrusive Life

    I’ve been MIA for what feels like months rather than days, but life has really been getting in my way lately. This has me thinking about how in terms of our mental health, intrusive thoughts get a lot of attention—but what of the grist of life that we cannot control just as easily? These are matters in which we can only control how we react to them, but in times of reduced physical capability, they can be quite overwhelming and difficult to deal with… and the world doesn’t make many accommodations for the sick.

    In fact, I’ve found it to be quite the opposite. In that most people are more inclined to take advantage of my reduced capacity, than not. Family, friends, and foe alike.

    If life is a battlefield; there aren’t many spare horses available to accommodate the wounded in the dailiness of living, so most of my friends and family have simply left me behind to fend for myself. So if nothing else, ableism has taught me that it is wears the same face as ageism, because our society has commodified people to the point that we are valued by how much energy we have to contribute, rather than the wisdom of experience we have to offer. I’ve also encountered a few illness groupies, who appear to delight in what I’ve come to think of as “sickness tourism” or “illness voyeurism.” It’s clear they aren’t so much there for me, so much as they show up for a taste of my drama, before moving on to the next crisis to feast on and nourish their saviour complexes.

    And foes—well—being sick has given me a massive new enemy, given my healthcare system is less interested in helping me to get better, and more interested in telling me that I’m not gettting better because I AM the problem.

    It also doesn’t help that my father passed away several years ago, and entrusted the care of his estate to a bank who have disregarded many of their fiduciary responsibilities so that after much effort on my part: I discovered that they committed a series of breaches, which I have had to escalate to the appropriate ombudsman. And as the oldest sibling, the fight for justice falls mostly on me. It is also bitter pill, because I’m certain this has contributed much to my poor health, yet I also need the money to spend on private healthcare.

    And like most, I have a partner, a house, and pets that need caring for, but I have no support system. My other half and I support each other; but it doesn’t alter the fact that some of these responsibilities would be difficult for any person to juggle. Never mind that I’m also trying to fight for my health, my inheritance, run a business, maintain boundaries with all the narcissists I have had to spend a great deal of time and effort to understand that I naturally attract, maintain my sense of self, and somehow try to emerge from all this whole.

    Spoiler: I probably won’t. But I try to remind myself that I would rather come out the other side of the hand I’ve been dealt with a few bruises, than to never have tried at all. Or worse; to have attempted to rely on others to play for me—because that game is a guaranteed losing hand.

    #MentalHealth #IntrusiveThoughts #ChasingLife #LifeLessons #TheDisabledLife #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Thoughts #MyCondition #ChronicIllness

    12 reactions

    I find myself obsessively observing my racing thoughts 💭 going to try to empty my mind a bit more and notice less for peacefulness

    It’s hard been having a lot of anxious racing thoughts to more of an extreme lately I will try doing the worry timer exercise I’ve never tried before and noticing or talking in my mind a little less

    It’s good to be self aware of your thoughts but I find lately I’m doing it to an extreme where I can’t stop them

    And I’m not very active either
    And very bad bedtime routine/ sleep schedules / diet etc

    So I hope that adjusting some things will help my anxiousness and mental health right now.

    Wish me luck! Thank you 🙏
    Have a great day everyone sending positive vibes prayers of hope and love to everyone going through a tough time or needing that extra reminder :)
    #anxiousness #nervous #Thoughts #Anxiety #maybeocd #DoingMyBest #Hope #coping #Meditation #emptymind #peace #luck

    16 reactions 3 comments
    See full photo

    Some things in life can really make you mad

    Brain fog from new supps recommended by the results of the private lab test recently received has me feeling like I’m in a state of arrested development. I can’t easily get out, and I’ve become a pariah to most who know me. I’ve written about this before… many people don’t know what to say to me, so now they simply say nothing at all.

    But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

    Feeling like if I’m not whole and actively participating in life, I am not worthy of their time. It cuts ever so deeper when I realised that when I had nothing left to give, I lost most of my family. Many are apparently “there for me” but in an abstract way only that doesn’t require them to do more than send me texts. I have been relegated to acquaintance status. And I find my health problems are conveniently diminished by the use of reductive phrases like me being “sicky-poo”. One; I haven’t been “sicky-poo” since I was a toddler and two; I know this is a means to downplay the severity of my illness, because you don’t have to show up for someone who you refuse to acknowledge as being chronically ill.

    Then there’s the people who treat chronic illness like it’s a competition.

    I’m sure you know the type. If you complain about sleep problems, they instantly bemoan their own. If you’ve stubbed your toe; they’ve broken their own. When I was hospitalised with chest pains and high blood pressure, a family member had to change the conversation to them having visiting the hospital for an ingrown fingernail. Apparently routine outpatient treatments are equatable to being admitted to a cardiac assessment ward.

    Being chronically ill, brings out the worst in most people.

    And to add injury to insult, I find myself having to self treat and order my own lab tests to try and improve my health. Of course, the first thing doctors will say is that I shouldn’t self treat or self diagnose, yet in their unwillingness to help me, what else am I supposed to do? I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been declared to be the picture of perfect health based on basic bloods. Yet the advanced lab tests I have done reveal a completely different picture.

    Worse, poorly informed doctors can hurt patients with bad advice. Case in point; the private GP who told me that I should treat my heavy metal poisoning with graded exercise therapy (GET). Never mind that it’s been scrapped from the treatment guidelines for people with CFSME, moreover, my body is so depleted of nutrients and my detox pathways so overloaded with oxadative stress, forced exercise would undoubtedly make me so much worse.

    And I am no exception to the conditioning that society attachs to looks and our worth.

    Which makes my continued hair loss and the burning peripheral neuropathy, yet another assault on my everyday life. It’s hard to feel like you matter when you know you are an afterthought to the people who proclaim to care about you, have doctors invalidate your illness, and feel the eroding effects of your condition on your body. I feel suspended in time, yet time is taking it’s toll on me nonetheless—both physically and mentally.

    I’m not entertaining any thoughts of ending it all, but I can’t help but think of what my funeral might look like. A staged event with all these people rushing to say wonderful things about me after I’m gone. Virtue signalling writ large. There may even be some tears. All this from people who can’t be bothered to speak to me while I’m still here.

    As always I find that whatever I’m going through, there is someone who has covered similar ground and in this case I find myself thinking of Monty Python’s “Always Look On The Bright Side of Life” from Life Of Brian. Specifically this part…

    “Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it, Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true, You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughin' as you go, Just remember that the last laugh is on you.”

    #MentalHealth #Thoughts #MyCondition #HairLoss #Neuropathy #PeripheralNeuropathy #ChronicFatigue #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #Fibromyalgia #BrainFog

    8 reactions 2 comments
    See full photo

    Cross Road Blues

    Considered by many to the first ever rock star, allow me to describe some of my healthcare(less) journey, by borrowing a few words from master blues artist Robert Johnston: “I went to the crossroad, Fell down on my knees / Standin’ at the crossroads, tried to flag a ride / Didn’t nobody seem to know, everybody pass me by / Standin’ at the crossroad, rising’ sun goin’ down / I got the crossroad blues this mornin’, Lord / I am sinking’ down.”

    After finally getting the results of the much anticipated private test I did, yesterday, it showed multiple issues, many of which were no surprise at all… but highlighted some issues, of which I had no awareness at all. Made worse by the fact that I do not possess the skills for an in depth understanding of the intricacies of hormone and neurotransmitter cascades, enzyme carboxylation and so on. Yet it is apparent this is where at least one major issue rests for me, and it seems from the literature I’ve read thus far, that serotonin syndrome is so little understood, just finding someone who is familiar with it, may be another mountain to summit, just to reach the starting line.

    The private endocrinologist I consulted with over 3 months ago, has still not come back to me with the results of the blood tests he ordered, yet the hospital has sent me the bill for said tests. It’s clearly a dead end in terms of the support and interest he has in my case, yet my GP won’t do much of anything until I get his feedback which leaves me in the proverbial catch 22.

    I’m sick, I’m always tired, and have been forced to treat myself for going on 5 months now, which the medical establishment has already weaponised against me by declaring my interest in my own health to be clear evidence that I am a hypochondriac seeking attention—to the point of manifesting test results showing conditions I could not have willed my body to produce, even if I wanted it to. And truth be told, I think if I could think my way into an illness, I probably would have focussed on something that would be easily treatable and fit neatly into their “I have hammer, therefore everything is a nail” mentality.

    To my further detriment I did not opt to attend medical school armed with the prescience of mind to foretell that I would need this knowledge later, and there’s also the cold harsh truth that if I had boatloads of cash and a posh upper crust accent, doors I don’t even know exist would probably be being flung wide open for me because power respects power.

    This in my opinion, is the cruel side of healthcare being both political and transactional: when you are considered wealthy, you get all manner of perks and doors opened to you—often for free. Yet when your means are limited and your need for this kind of assistance is greater; is when when this support would be most beneficial.

    Tomorrow is another chance at this thing called life, but for today I’m feeling the Cross Road Blues because like Robert Jonhston; I feel like nobody seems to see me, everyone is passing me by… and the weight of it all has got me sinking down.

    #WritingThroughIt #Thoughts #FunctioningDepression #Insomnia #MyCondition #ChronicFatigueSymdrome #Fibromyalgia #FibroFog #BrainFog #HealthCare

    5 reactions

    Intrusive thoughts which infect the mind

    I have a intrusive thoughts which infect my mind and make it difficult to concentrate. They start the minute I wake up and do not cease until I go back to sleep. I have many hobbies and try to keep my mind occupied but the evil thoughts replay over and over.

    When I was physically assaulted over ten years ago I never thought that I would continue to experience flashbacks and trauma from the incident. I have been in fights before and thought it would become another distant memory of something unfortunate. My experience has been completely different and I am stuck in a never ending loop of sorrow and pity.

    The attack causes me major mental health issues that I can't move on from. I am stuck in a negative cycle of pain and suffering. The image of the attack repeats in my mind. I see the faceless images of multiple attackers and the fear of reliving the incident is ever present. I am afraid of what's in store for me as I battle to focus on what's important.

    It is difficult to describe the incident as it involves anger, betrayal and resentment. The only thing I know for sure is that it leaves me empty and insecure. These people purposefully sought to hurt me and they were successful.

    I hate to say it but my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I am miserable. I hate my life and I am aware of the holes I keep digging are damaging me further. I blame my mother and father for a lot of my problems whether it is their fault or not. They did their best but had unrealistic expectations and when I was unable to achieve the impossible goals they had set for me I spiralled in to a deep depression.

    This depression has followed me for years and the more I let it control my life - the more pain it causes me. I have never dealt with any of the negative emotions that fill my mind. I bottled everything up and pretended I was fine. I am at the point where I don't see anything improving and I want to hurt the few people I have left.

    I really wish I could end on something positive but my life has become a merry go round of pain, sorrow and regret. I hate myself in more ways than one and I need help but the road to recovery is fraught with feelings of guilt and resentment.

    EDIT: I am fully aware that my posts are very much a pity party. I am hurting inside and just desperately want to feel better.

    #Depression #Misery #Sadness #hurt #Pain #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #feelings #unhappy #Relationships #Friendship #Love #Trauma #PTSD #challenges #Life #Death #advertisy #friend #peace #Emotion #flasback #Lettinggo #scar #regret #compassion #Thoughts #Mindfulness #Anxiety #reserved #Respect #peace

    10 reactions 6 comments