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Coming to Reality and I’m almost 42
3 days ago I finally learned the truth about my biological mother who raised me…and shouldn’t have. Long story short. Narcissistic, manipulating, controlling and possessive. Endured years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse and climbed out and have been trying to break free since 14. I have numbed myself for the last 2 years as an functioning addict. I’ve been in similar marriages but been single for 2.5 years now and have moved 45 mins away from my mother. But when I was young she hired someone to kill my father. Unbeknownst to her, she contacted an undercover detective. I have been lied to my whole life and been part of “he said - she said” between my parents. But after year of searching for whose telling the truth, my dad. I spoke with the detective myself after locating and reaching out. I have no bitterness except to the court system who barely charged her and have her custody of me. I have learned boundaries and to love myself. But now that o know the truth noise in my head is becoming quiet and I just feel lost….I don’t know who I am behind my mask. I deal with c-ptsd daily. But no one knows. I’m tired and want to know what a normal life looks like. I trust no one and never have. But now there’s hope for healing and to learn who I am. Just sucks it’s this late in life. Neither parent knows I talked to the “hit man” and I will never tell them I know. They know, my dad and step mom, that I have distanced myself from my mom and am working on me. But now? I feel validated for the bad thoughts and feelings I’ve had since I was a young child. But it doesn’t change things or make me feel anymore “ normal”. I have always felt like an outsider like I don’t belong. But I’m trying to live happily and look at life from a different perspective. I’m free from her control now and possession and “rules”…..just lost so much time with my dad and siblings that were born out of his other marriage. #Roadtorecovery #CPTSD #feelalone
