Searchingformeaning

It’s been a week now and the person I trusted with everything decided we couldn’t be together. He changed his mind and said let’s just try a “break”. He said my anxiety and depression didn’t line up with his. He wasn’t able to share his feelings for a while because l would ask too many questions due to my anxiety. I’ve always felt like I have to fix everyone’s problems, but in the process no one trusts me enough to open up anymore. They get too worried how it will effect me. Friends and ex’s alike, I’ve pushed away due to my inability to deal with problems. I make them my problem to distract me from my own. I’m not the person I want to be for those that I love. How can I manage all the anxieties to be able to love people and have them love me. How can I ask these people in my life to stay if I’m unsure if I can fix things to make it better. I don’t want them to wait forever. I want the depression and and anger to stop! I’m caught between not wanting to do anything, being worried about everything, and being a complete bitch to anyone around me. I can’t deal with the constant stomach pains and the constant migraine. I just want the “break” to be over and to tell him how I feel. But that’s how this all began there’s no give and take with anyone I care about. I either bottle it all up or I let it all out and can never figure out how to help them without making them worried I’ll lose my mind. What if I can’t figure myself out? What if I lose all the good in my life while trying to deal with the same thing I’ve struggled with for the last 12 years. When will things get easier? When will I stop using others? When will I be able to be what I want everyone else to be for me? My life feels all jumbled right now and I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I’m hoping that soon I’ll find the clarity I need. There seems to be light at the end of the tunnel of this “break” yet I’m finding myself going back to my old ways. The second something good starts to happen I convince myself it’s not gonna come true or I decide that I need to take advice from others. I think it’s time I learn from this “break”. I need learn to form my own opinions and rely on myself to be the person I go to. I am strong enough to figure it out alone. I’ll let others in when I need to but I need to start trusting in myself that I know what’s best for my life. The lack of confidence is what started my problems in the first place. it’s time for me to believe I can be the change my life needs. #rant #RacingThoughts #Searchingformeaning #Anxiety