rant

I didn't call my Dad on Father's Day. I forgot to but mostly I didn't want to. I said I would call the next day, but I started dissociating, and just rotting in my bed not wanting to leave. I feel guilty for not calling and the longer I leave it, I know the conversation is gonna be more uncomfortable. I know that he will make me feel worse about it, he always does.

I have recently started to deal (mostly think) about the relationship I have with my Dad. I'm scared. I don't want to deal with this. I don't remember ever seeing my parents as perfect. I understand that they are flawed, they are human. But I worry that I truly don't know my Dad. I try to but he doesn't let me. My mum thinks my dad shows traits of narcissism, when I read about it, I just shut down. When I try to think of him, I can’t seem to remember anything. I was upset with my Dad and I told him and I said that I will tell him soon. Then my grandmother died, his mum. Everyone wanted me to just tell him wants wrong so he didn't have to deal with not being close to me and losing his mother at once. I was going to tell him why, but before I could my auntie told me that I should be more grateful that he is in my life at all. I know she is just projecting her own issues onto me, But it still made me feel guilty and like I'm being dramatic. When I tried to tell him, I just couldn’t do it, the word got trapped, and then I couldn’t even remember what I wanted to say. I just started to cry a lot. I every time I'm around him I feel like I become an obedient child again.

I'm trying to write him a letter my counsellor says this might be a better way. But when I try to I just freeze and forget want I wanted to say. I want to at least tell my Dad the problem so that maybe he can change like my mum did. But I feel so unable to. I worry constantly that he might die - this is mostly irrational. But I worry about not being close to him before he goes, I love him but it hurts.

I'm also upset with him because it was my birthday not long ago, I just turned 21, and he didn't call. I was anxious about talking to him so in some ways I'm glad he didn't but it also really hurt me that he didn't call. Feels like he is punishing me. He avoids explaining why he didn't call when I asked and instead told me he got surgery on his eye recently. He does this often, when he is angry with me for something he tells me something bad that has been going on with him and then never mentions it again, even when I ask.

Any advice would be appreciated

#rant #daddy issues #narcissism #Family

I know this isn't really a site for trauma dumping but I need to vent. My therapy sessions have been shortened and there is a chance that I may lose my therapist. This is creating anxiety that I don't need. My therapist told me that we will continue sessions until I hear of news of any changes. Therapy has helped tremendously as it gives me a safe and non judgmental space to talk about the trauma and abuse I survived and its aftereffects. Given that I therapy is one of the few things that makes me feel safe and validated, I don't want to lose it. Perhaps I'm too reliant on state paid therapy but it has been a life saver, literally. I am also on a plethora of medications to manage my mental health and the idea of losing that is frightening because I remember life before I was medicated, it wasn't good.

I know I should look at this as an opportunity to use my coping skills and to try to find new services but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I detest the fact that I was abused because it never should have happened. I know this isn't polite to say but the people that have hurt me can forget all about me. I've forgotten about them. The aftereffects of the trauma stretch far beyond mental illness. It has effected every area of my life and while I am working towards healing, I hate how it even happened to begin with. That I have to live with the effects of other people's choices.

I know life isn't fair but sometimes it really irks me. I try to be positive and productive but sometimes it doesn't work. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but sometimes it really gets me down that I went through what I did. I hate how the smallest thing can send me into an emotional spiral or a crying spell. I just want to live life without the confines of my past. Like they say, you can't change the past. It's this that bothers me. There are so many things that I wish were different but the reality is, they aren't. Reality acceptance is something I struggle with. I feel like I have come so far in my healing journey but sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards.

I just want to go on with my life without this crippling emotional and mental anguish. I suppose that's just what I have to do. I am grateful for so much but sometimes being grateful can't outweigh the pain I endure. I get really down sometimes and kinda angry because I there isn't much I can do about what I survived. I know I shouldn't live in the past and should enjoy the present but sometimes my past looms over me and I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do sometimes.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate it. This site and community have been a blessing. And I appreciate all of you. We are all warriors here. Stay safe and blessed.

-Anastasia

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #rant #help #Therapy

My therapist told me yesterday that life is unfair. This sounds cliche and it probably is but it is reality. This I know. However I think I've dealt with enough of life's unfairness (at least for a while). I had 12 years of my life stolen from me by a man that was supposed to love and care for me. That didn't happen. Instead I was subjected to years of sexual abuse and was sexually assaulted. I was emotionally abused by a woman that was supposed to care about my feelings but didn't and still doesn't. All this pain is relatively fresh because the abuse only ended a few years ago. I feel that I have put in so much work through therapy and in my life in general to heal and yet even that doesn't seem good enough.

Maybe part of me doesn't want to accept the reality. That's something I need to work on. I often judge myself for many things and I want to work on this but at the moment I can't. I am too overcome with emotions to do that. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, confused. All the emotions I felt shortly after my trauma, I am feeling them again. On top of life being unfair by not allowing me to see a sibling that I miss and love very much. I cry over the whole situation sometimes yet I know my abusers aren't crying over me.

Somedays I think about giving up, I feel completely defeated like I do now. I know that it's a mindset but it's a hard one to get out of. Especially when I feel so helpless. There are so many factors in the situation that I have no control over, mainly other people unfortunately. And I have to accept this too. I can just add it to my list of things I have to accept. I know that I should look for a positive (my therapist says that a lot) but I don't think I can right now. I guess I just need to sit with my emotions right now.

I'm just so emotionally and mentally tired right now. Part of me wishes I couldn't feel anything right now. I'm tired of the emotional pain. Tired of feeling this way. Yet there appears to be nothing I can do. I'm just at a loss right now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Rant over.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #rant #Life #frustrated #needhelp

Feeling exhausted with the struggle today - seems not matter how hard I fight I get no where and it’s tearing me apart.

I am an academic person . But the long lasting effects of child abuse the impact is so long reaching, the neglect of never having had a person support me through school and decision making for my future. The issue of the ptsd flashbacks that happened when my abuser tried to hunt me down in my undergrad. The way that left me. I hate it. I hate how far behind I am in life and I am filled with this toxic venomous seething rage . I am so angry. I want to destroy things I want to cry I want to starve myself I want to scream. It isn’t fair. The world isn’t fair. But they fucked up my future and I have been struggling and fighting for so long. So long. So long. To try and get somewhere trying to fix things to save money to develop a life. And I’m still broke, I’m still not working in anything meaningful and I am tired. My soul is tired. I never got any support because I could still put myself through school (at 85lbs fasting for weeks, having flashbacks and cutting) I still worked and so if you can mask your pain enough not to be a problem to society then it’s acceptable to just let you suffer. I have so much rage and I feel so powerless. #rant #Vent #realisationofimpact #failure #ChildAbuse

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes! I hate the emotional instability of #BipolarDisorder and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . I am almost always fluctuating between not only mania and depression but also anger and annoyance. I will go from being fine to being anxious, or being fine and then feeling down. I honestly don't know how I do it. I just feel so emotionally unstable somedays. I hate to tell people I feel this way because I don't want them thinking that I'm also mentally unstable. Most people don't realize that Bipolar and BPD have to do with emotions. I partially blame the abuse that I went through because I that can mess things up. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over what happened but I can't help but think that the abuse has something to do with it. I know it can also be inherited. Yet, no matter how stable I try to be, it's the intensity that always gets me. I react so strongly to the most meaningless of things that it makes me feel bad afterward. When I'm sad, I'm depressed. When I'm happy I'm manic, when I'm scared, I'm anxious and when I'm angry, I'm furious. There seems to be no in between and it is physically and mentally exhausting. It makes me angry at myself, why can't I just be emotionally stable like other people? Like I said, it could be a combination of genetics and abuse. And that is why I get angry for being abused. It wasn't my fault but I feel like it messed up my development. I was a child when it began and it ended only a few years ago. So I think it's safe to say that the abuse has something to do with it. But this rant isn't about having been abused. That's something else. I just want to know that I'm not alone in this. What have you done to cope if you have BPD? I am in therapy so I am already doing that. Honestly, I hate being this way sometimes.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #rant #frustrated #CheckInWithMe

Bethinking when my biggest concern was that my mom wouldn't buy me the cute outfit I saw at the mall, or that I missed the newest episode of my favorite TV show. Contrastively, it all seems so frivolous and trivial. Now, I have to agonize over things like needing to get a feeding tube, being in the hospital for half of this past year for 2-3 weeks at a time, new diagnosises of incurable chronic disorders, and other things like that. I fret over medication side effects, having no energy and being looked at like it's laziness, not being able to do something as simple as taking a shower or doing laundry. People my age (30) fret about things like followers on social media and getting a raise at work, while I'm contemplating about whether or not to get a DNR and needing to going on disability. I long for the days where all that concerned me was extending my curfew or getting invited to the popular kid's party. They have an actual life, whereas I merely have a miserable existence. One of the hardest things about chronic issues is other people's perception of me. They call me "lucky" because I "get to" stay home instead if work, as if I'm playing a never-ending version of hooky. What they don't realize is how miserable it is to be feeling so sick and not being able to use work as a distraction; they think we should be grateful. It's almost funny how healthy people will go on vacation for a week and at the end, they say they need a "vacation from their vacation", yet they have no empathy for our situation. When they have the flu or something for like, a week, they are miserable by the end. They don't realize we feel sick like that (and then some) with no end in sight. No light at the end of the tunnel. Nobody who doesn't have chronic health problems are capable of understanding what it feels like to have your body attacking itself, with you caught up in the middle; we end up the only casualties in that particularly brutal war against itself. And the vicious cycle of medications that come with side effects, and then you need medications for them, which have side effects, and 'round and 'round it goes. I wish there was a magic solution for it, but there isn't one, and it's making me spiral out of control. People ask me why I don't believe in God; it's because I've begged him to intervene because I can't handle one more problem, but my miracle has yet to happen. I don't know how much more I can take. My mom had to call the paramedics a week ago, and they suspect I had a small stroke for the 2nd time this year, but I signed an AMA (against medical advice) and wouldn't go to the hospital, because if I do, I either end up being admitted and spending God knows how long there, or they find out I have some new problem and I'm at the point where I just don't even want to know if there is something else wrong with me. I was imprisoned in this body, and I just want out. Anywhere, that is where I'm at thus far.

I'm fairly new to this website, but I figured if anyone could help or relate to me, it would be this page! I'm a mom of three, who has probably suffered with mental illness my whole life (just unaware of it, but I've learned so much, and continue to learn as well) and my children are my life, and even though I've made mistakes in the past I've learned that I'm not the same person I once was, because I lacked the knowledge that I now have. My problem now is, that I just feel lost! I'm sure it's the anxiety that keeps me feeling unsure, and having no clue what to do with my life! The more I try to figure it all out, the more I just feel confused and stuck! More than anything in the world, I just want to have a career (that gives me purpose) that not only financially supports us, but makes my kids proud of me! I let them down so many times by not being able to stick with a job, and I just want to feel normal, confident, ambitious, and clear minded. Lord please just tell me the steps I need to take to be able to do all of this, I've pleaded so many times, and maybe one day I'll get my answer lol! The ironic part is that I'm always so good at helping others, but can't seem to ever be able to mentally do it for myself! #Healing #anxietysucks
#mental illness #venting #mother #lost #Anxiety #Bedtime #alone #Thoughts #rant #

× " Today Was Full Of Unexpected Thing's To Do. I Was Doing What I Normally Do Is Set Up And Make Fresh Tortilla's. All Day I Was Getting Bossed Around By Diffrent People. Who Were Not My Boss Today. And I Took Out A Massive Amount Of Trash. And Cleaned The Dine-In Area Again. I Also Made And Order Of 600 Tortilla's. So I'm Exhausted AF. End Of Rant... × Sincerly, ☆ S. K. ☆