I didn't call my Dad on Father's Day. I forgot to but mostly I didn't want to. I said I would call the next day, but I started dissociating, and just rotting in my bed not wanting to leave. I feel guilty for not calling and the longer I leave it, I know the conversation is gonna be more uncomfortable. I know that he will make me feel worse about it, he always does.
I have recently started to deal (mostly think) about the relationship I have with my Dad. I'm scared. I don't want to deal with this. I don't remember ever seeing my parents as perfect. I understand that they are flawed, they are human. But I worry that I truly don't know my Dad. I try to but he doesn't let me. My mum thinks my dad shows traits of narcissism, when I read about it, I just shut down. When I try to think of him, I can’t seem to remember anything. I was upset with my Dad and I told him and I said that I will tell him soon. Then my grandmother died, his mum. Everyone wanted me to just tell him wants wrong so he didn't have to deal with not being close to me and losing his mother at once. I was going to tell him why, but before I could my auntie told me that I should be more grateful that he is in my life at all. I know she is just projecting her own issues onto me, But it still made me feel guilty and like I'm being dramatic. When I tried to tell him, I just couldn’t do it, the word got trapped, and then I couldn’t even remember what I wanted to say. I just started to cry a lot. I every time I'm around him I feel like I become an obedient child again.
I'm trying to write him a letter my counsellor says this might be a better way. But when I try to I just freeze and forget want I wanted to say. I want to at least tell my Dad the problem so that maybe he can change like my mum did. But I feel so unable to. I worry constantly that he might die - this is mostly irrational. But I worry about not being close to him before he goes, I love him but it hurts.
I'm also upset with him because it was my birthday not long ago, I just turned 21, and he didn't call. I was anxious about talking to him so in some ways I'm glad he didn't but it also really hurt me that he didn't call. Feels like he is punishing me. He avoids explaining why he didn't call when I asked and instead told me he got surgery on his eye recently. He does this often, when he is angry with me for something he tells me something bad that has been going on with him and then never mentions it again, even when I ask.
Any advice would be appreciated