How My Anxiety Turned Me Into a Liar

“Do you like Asian cuisine? We can grab a bite at the new Asian restaurant across the street,” a friend asked.

Did I like Asian food? HELL YES! I absolutely loved it.

“No, I’m not the biggest fan of Asian food,” I lied. I felt anxious to go to a new restaurant and was overwhelmed by their menu.

As someone with social anxiety disorder, I fear social situations. Going to restaurants, especially new ones, requires a lot of mental preparation. I lie to get out of social situations, but those aren’t the only lies I have told.

“What’s your favorite TV show?” a classmate once asked.

Should I say “F.R.I.E.N.D.S”? But what if my classmate thinks that’s a shallow answer? What if my classmate hates that show? Maybe I should say “Euphoria,” that show’s been trending a lot lately.

You see, I’m afraid of rejection. I fear what others think of me, and as a result, I try to fit in. Even if that means lying to a stranger or someone I know. To make matters worst, as a South Asian woman who moved to the United States when I was 18, I lied to fit in with American culture.

I have lied about my favorite TV shows, hobbies, movies, food, song, color, and everything you could possibly imagine. Since I feel pressured to give a socially acceptable answer, I paint a picture of myself that I think the other person might like, and it gets hard to keep a track of the different personas I have painted of myself in front of different people.

While one friend thinks I don’t like Asian food, my other friend thinks I love Asian food. While one friend thinks I have a sweet tooth, my other friend thinks I prefer spicy food.

My anxiety blows things out of proportion and makes me think that me having a different choice or opinion than my friends’ will make them hate me. My disorder constantly makes me go out of my way to please others. I don’t intend to lie, but in the moment, I cannot bring myself to tell the truth, because I fear judgment.

Although all of these lies are not malicious in nature and might not seem like a big deal, they have taken a toll on my mental health.

Our interests, opinions, and hobbies are a huge part of our identities, and I have constantly lied about them throughout my whole life.

So, who really am I? Who would I really be if I wasn’t always trying to fit in and please people? Am I just a liar? These are the questions that keep me awake at night and make me question my entire existence.

However, I’m learning. I’m learning to embrace my individuality and portray an honest version of myself in front of others.

I ask myself “Would I hate someone for not liking the same TV show or ice-cream flavor as me?”

The answer is no. I’m not friends with my friends because they like or dislike the same things as me. Yes, liking and disliking the same things establishes common ground and helps you connect better with others. However, that is not what I adore about my friends.

I adore the time I spend with my friends. I don’t love my friends because I like chocolate ice cream and they like chocolate ice cream. I adore my friends because they are helpful, funny, and kind. So I tell myself, if someone truly is my friend, they wouldn’t judge me for having different opinions and preferences than them.

I have learned to tell myself “It is not my responsibility to please everyone.” If someone judges me for having a different preference than them, that says more about them than about me. It tells me that the other person doesn’t embrace our differences and that is not someone who I would want to be with anyway.

It doesn’t matter what I do, or which persona I create of myself in front of different people, there’s always going to be someone who will dislike me. If that’s the case, then I might as well show the raw honest version of myself.