Stillirise

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I have been misunderstood my whole life, judged, frowned upon, been told I'm too sensitive. I used to say suffer from this or suffer from that, I no longer say that I now say I have this or I have that BC I've come to realize my ADHD, depression, anxiety, BPD all make who I am and make me stronger and wiser and for the most part I like who I am. I know I'm a good person and everyday is a struggle for me not to lash out, cut do something wreckless and I've accepted that. once I did that, I was able to walk with my head held high or higher at least. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. Sometimes I learn from my poor choices and or mistakes right away other times I don't. I know I have made some poor choices that hurt my parents, not my intention but like most of you I'm sure, I didn't think of the what its or the aftermath or whom else it would affect and yes some, most would say it was selfish of me but again not my intention, its just not how my brain is wired. I never Meant any harm. Now my tattoos help me express myself, remind me of a struggle I went through and overcame, my mother sees them as "trash or a form of cutting" but they aren't. she doesn't realize how hard it is to be proud of my own self for the hurdles I have overcome. Each day that goes by where I don't cut or lash out is a win in my book and my tattoos remind me that I can do it and they tell my story. I'm not book smart by any means and I don't like to read but I am my own form of smart. now I know my mom maybe even my dad and sister are embarrassed of me whether it be BC of my tattoos or weight or sometimes lack of knowledge but all those things don't make me up as a whole..what about the other 97% of me??? is what I wonder... it took some time for my mom to admit I have BPD...Shes come a long way...she still doesn't understand me fully and probably never will. I've accepted that and that's on her to try to understand me more. see she thinks she is always right and I tell her she's not BC well she's not. we butt heads a lot, but have gotten better. I know I haven't made it the easiest for my parents being my parents and I know they try their hardest. I love them so much and appreciate them and I know they have given up a lot for me. im sorry mommy and daddy for all the hurt, grief, pain, embarrassment I have caused. my sister did everything right according to society's "right" college, marriage, kids never in trouble, no tattoos, has been in a monogamous relationship with her husband since 18 or 19. She has accomplished a lot and is a wonderful mother and my parents have every right to be proud of her, I'm proud of her... I just wish they felt they had something to be proud of me for. I look on my sisters Facebook and see pics of my nieces with their other aunt and uncle or pics of my sister and them, I can't help but feel like she is ashamed of me BC there's 1 picture from her wedding. we don't see eye to eye often.