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What Happened When I Set Fire to My Suicide Note

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

While going through old notebooks to declutter, I found a suicide note I had written years ago during a very difficult time. At first, I was sickened. Reading it through to the end felt strange and somehow shameful. I felt embarrassed I had kept this note as a “just in case I really go through with it” gesture for any confused friends and/or loved ones.

But after rereading, I began to realize the person who wrote the letter is just not who I am now. She was a sad, lonely and scared girl who believed nothing could ever change. She felt alone and powerless to stop her cruel mind from torturing her every waking moment.

But, like I said, that’s not who I am anymore. Getting professional help and figuring out I’m just one of those people who need medication to support those pesky little neurotransmitters has made a world of difference in my life. Even when I have bad days, even the super bad days, I’m still miles away from where I was all those years ago. And with that knowledge, I decided to burn the note, then and there, at my kitchen table.

As I watched the sadness and despair imprinted on that piece of paper smolder, I began to feel somewhat empowered. While quietly sifting through the small pile of ash, the remnants of a part of me that had been so dark and prevalent, I came away with a resounding sense of relief. I survived. I’m still here. My story didn’t end. I’m healing and growing more and more every day.

So, in a strange way, I’m grateful for the person I was when I wrote the suicide note. Because even though she was struggling and battling against her own mind, she was strong enough to make it to today. There have definitely been bumps and deterrents along the way, but we have our power back in ways we never dreamed possible. And that is worth fighting for. Never be afraid to ask for help. Please, don’t ever forget that.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860

Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741741

LGBT National Help Center: 888-843-4564

Original photo by author

Originally published: July 10, 2021
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