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How the Movie 'Saw' Relates to My Life With Suicidal Ideation

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“Live or die. Make your choice.”

For those of you who have never seen the movie “Saw,” the basic premise is that serial killer Jigsaw takes people who are apathetic about life and forces them to play his sadistic “games.” While it is physically possible to “win” these games if you follow the rules, the victims/players have to push themselves through insane torture if they want to survive. So why does this movie feels so relatable?

Because I’m playing a “game” of my own, in a matter of life or death. I’m battling suicidal ideations.

I seem like exactly the type of person Jigsaw would pick to play his games. I grew up in a nice home in the suburbs with a supportive family. I was never worried about my physical needs. My parents even paid for my college education. I had everything I needed.

Yet, against my will, I became a victim to one of the most underrated tortures in the world: depression. I watched as it sapped the joy out of everything I used to love; as it left me physically exhausted; as it made me hate my own existence. My depression grew to the point where death was more appealing than living. Suicide meant I could stop fighting for my life and escape from this horror.

But here I am, still fighting. And just as it is possible to survive Jigsaw’s games, I know that I can make it through this. I will follow the rules of medication and therapy and self-care until I make it to the end. I may come out with wounds and scars, but there will be a day when I make it out of this twisted game. Although “Saw” hardly feels like a movie about hope, it reminds me that even when it is incredibly hard, life is worth fighting for.

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Lead image via “Saw” Facebook page

Originally published: July 28, 2018
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