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What a 'Typical' Day Is Like When You've Decided to Die by Suicide

Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

I decided to end my life a little over two years ago, yet I still very clearly remember all of the feelings and thoughts I had in the time between making my decision and receiving the help I needed. Going about your normal day is so surreal if you’ve decided to end your life. It’s damn near indescribable, but I will try my best to put it into words.

Every little interaction with someone else invokes strange and conflicting emotions. You feel bad because you know you are going to hurt this person. You feel curious about how they will react, how their life will change after they find out you’re gone. You feel sorry because you feel you’re just playing them; you’re putting on a show, living a lie — things that will ultimately make it harder when you’re gone.

Every little thing you do, you see like it’s an old black-and-white movie. You feel sad you will be missing out on the things you do find joy in. You feel relief to be leaving behind the things that cause you pain. You start to wonder what the world has in store for when you are gone.

Ultimately, you start to grieve. Grieving your own death is something that is just part of the human experience for many. Whenever someone is near the end of their life, whether that is due to an illness, old age, or in this case, self-inflicted, they have to grieve to deal with the flood of emotions. Processing everything can be headache-inducing, so you have to go at it bit by bit.

As it approaches, you may begin to feel a sense of peace and calm (a telltale sign of suicidal thoughts, so look out for this in people around you). You start thinking logistically, putting your affairs in order to make it a little easier on those you are leaving behind. Writing a note, a will perhaps, closing the books on unfinished business, paying off debt, ensuring a smooth transfer of assets is possible, etc.

To live life with death on the brain is painful. We are meant to live life with life being our motivator, our goal, our purpose. We are alive so we can live, survive, thrive and everything in between.

To those of you reading this who are walking through life right now planning on ending it, I must ask you, beg you: change your mind, it’s not too late. Coming from someone who has been where you are, maybe not in circumstance, but a kindred spirit in how you are feeling about your plans to end your life, I realize how dark and painful life is. I realize how scary it is to imagine going another day with everything you are going through. I realize how difficult it is to go on. I won’t lie to you, living is not easy, and with the struggles you have right now, it may not be easy going forward. It won’t be easy picking yourself up every day and working to get yourself out of the grave you feel you’re in. And even if I don’t know you, I do know one thing:

You are strong enough to get through this. It may not feel like it right now, but you are. Keep going, one step at a time, one breath at a time, one moment at a time. Eventually, those steps will turn into running with a smile on your face. Keep going, I believe in you.

Unsplash image by Gabriel E B

Originally published: February 10, 2020
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