I didn’t have the worst childhood in the world. I wasn’t sexually abused or beaten, but I was emotionally abused. and I feel guilty that it affects my life every day when there are far worse sufferings in the world. I discovered I had BPD when I was watching a program about Amy Winehouse and Robin Williams! I went into research mode and discovered BPD and took this new info to my Peychiatrist and they confirmed I was right I had BPD.
after years of counseling and psych visits I know what it is and where it comes from etc. but I’ve never spoken out about it. I’ve never spoke out about why I’ve got it. and those who caused it and actually to this day still contribute to it. I think I was just an irritation as a child. a fly to be swatted out of the way a nuisance and an annoyance. my mum always says that I was the best behaved out of all of us (middle child) and used to sit and tear paper when I was little. I can’t help but have the saying a baby won’t cry when they know no one is coming.... I remember having the piss taken out of me by my parents when I tried to discuss my feelings of emptiness and loneliness and not having friends. I was told to stop being so pathetic and go away. I stood outside that door crying silently for ages trying to work up the courage to talk to them and they shot me down in flames. I think from information I’ve gathered over the years that I was created to try and save a failing marriage. and it didn’t work. and I’ve never known or met my sperm donor. and I think that as I failed in my reason for being here, I just wasn’t bothered with. along comes adoptive dad and a younger sibling. younger sibling was and is spoilt rotten. we are all equal apparently. but there are so many reasons why this isn’t true but I can’t state them cos it may identify people.
I did not get cuddles I don’t remember any. we moved house and schools constantly. mum Wales is the first day then we were on our own. I remember my mum going off her head at us all the time constantly and hitting out then getting dad to have a go when he got in from work too. I remember us being told to take out pants down so we could be out over a knee and leathered. red raw. sometimes with a slipper or a belt. according to parents this is a figment of our collective imaginations.
how humiliating and shameful and embarrassing. I remember hearing my scream from outside when mum was hitting her with a belt over her knee. I remember being told to give my sister
my Easter cup cos mum
on one again and threw a pot in the sink and smashed it. apparently it was
my fault she threw
the pot in the sink. she launched a hairbrush at the window and it bounced back and hit me in the face. she smashed a glass door by slamming it so hard and dad got us when he got in cos it was our fault she was in a mood and did it. she kicked down the bathroom door to get at my sister. I’m running out of space......