Grieving #ChronicIllness #TotalAbdominalColectomy #Malabsorption #Anxiety #Depression #FeelingAlone
Ive been shutting myself off. Ive been very ill for 4 years. No one understands because I don’t look sick, at least not to them. I’ve had some malabsorption issue and outside of lab work, fecal studies not one doctor has tested to find the root cause. Just eat more they say. Honestly I can eat all I want and it’s not going to help. Your blood work looks good, I hear, at 88 pounds 5’4. Recently I had to rehome my fur babies. It devastated me. It was a hard decision as I’m the only person they’ve ever known. I truly had to put all my emotions aside and think of them, as well as myself. Being large I couldn’t give them the life they needed and just caring for them became so much work, energy I didn’t have to give. I’ve now lost my daughter because she doesn’t understand. I’ve lost most of my friends as they don’t understand. Family members I always thought would be there I don’t even hear from. I’m lost, I’m sad, I’m angry.... I didn’t ask for this and yet I’ve lost so much. Not exactly how I envisioned my life to be. Grandchildren I never see, daughters I never see, sisters I never hear from and a husband who took early retirement who will not find and keep a job because he has money coming in. Where this becomes relevant is we’ve always had independent lives and I value my space. I know most wont understand any of this. I’m feeling so lost without my babies even though I know I did the right thing for them, I’ve lost a daughter over rehoming dogs due to my health, Ive lost so much time being ill, Ive lost friends, family and feeling terribly alone. I just wish I could find one doctor, just one who was proactive enough to do the right testing, to care enough to think “outside” the medical journal box!
I’m breaking inside and no one knows because no one cares enough to know. Who wants to hear someone’s brokenness? Yes I know that to well....,