FeelingAlone

I fell apart today, not wanting to exist. Feeling alone . Feeling like such a burden . Hearing my own kid tell me to shut up and be a parent. Meanwhile feeling like I should just do “ it” . No I don’t plan on doing it but the thoughts have been rolling in. Crying nonstop feeling like I’m having a heart attack. Feeling like a horrible mother cause I don’t have the energy to do my “ job” as a parent. Losing my appetite, sleeping too much , crying on and off. I’m just tired.

Hi everyone. Complete newbie to the mighty and it's community. I am a Mum of 2 teens and married. I am disabled and struggling with life in general. I have CFS/ME, Chronic migraines including hemiplegic migraines and migraines with brainstem aura all of which make it impossible to work or live independently anymore. I also have T2 diabetes, an underactive thyroid and have 2 ruptured disce in my lower spine (due to weakness from damage at 14 by a bully pulling a stool out from under me 🤬) which are impacting some nerves causing pain, sometimes so intense I'm bed bound for weeks at a time. I have a history of depression as a result of childhood trauma which carried on into adult life until just a few years ago. In the last month I have been diagnosed with EUPD/BPD with complex trauma. I suffer with suicidal ideation and have done since a child. Over the last year or so it has become a lot worse. A month ago I had made a full plan and if my husband hadn't been so attuned I wouldn't be here today. I was violated by a female doctor in 2007 whilst in hospital fighting for mine and my unborn childs life. My mum died 7 months later then 3 months after that my dad got together with my husbands mum. They then processeded to rip our families apart whilst mine just wanted to grieve. My life feels utterly out of my control. I stopped work as an early years educator permanently Dec 2019 and feel like I've lost the only identity and confidence I had. Im a very outdoors person and love exploring but just cant do it anymore unless its accessible by mobility scooter. I feel broken and worthless. Most of my friends have fallen away the less I was able to get to the school gates and now I have 1 maybe 2 left. All my family have accused me of faking and making it up so I can get away with being lazy! My sister, who is a nurse, even went as far as accusations of munchausen syndrome!! I have never felt more hurt and less seen in all my life. So it's just my husband and I and our children having to cope with all the fallout alone. And I feel like I have to cope with my failing body and brain alone. I keep so so much inside and hidden. #FeelingAlone #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Childhoodtrauma #ChronicFatigue #ChronicMigraineSyndrome #CheckInWithMe

I’m so tired of feeling like this….tbh I don’t think my relationship is gonna last cuz I’m fed up with my bf and his lies|cheating😡 #FeelingAlone #toxicrelationship

I don’t know why I continue putting myself through this bs…. I truly love this man but don’t think the feeling is mutual…Why is he still with me??!? #Depression #FeelingAlone #Lovelost #Selfhate

Everyone wants to give me resources, not knowing how exhausting it is to sort through them all and reach out to them all, only to be refused or told to call or contact somewhere else. I feel burned out on even trying to help myself.

I know that I have to "do the work," I just wish I had someone helping me more than giving me endless resources to research and navigate.

#imtired #burnedout #Tiredofbeingtired #Health #MentalHealth #exhaustion #FeelingAlone

Having a disability/invisible one, can be very scary for you don't know what your future will hold. Especially when you move to a new state and that the government sucks at helping individuals, getting a job and would require some adaptabilities for you in the job. It is like, why do I even exist, just to stay at home and do nothing and rot. I can't wait to see a counselor, hopefully this will help with my depression and anxiety, that I'm not alone; like The Mighty does. Also getting SSI, takes a long time to get processed, even when you have an invisible disability. Like me you have to explain and do test, to make sure you're not faking a disability, which I do get. It just sucks, sucks and more sucks; I don't wish upon this on anybody, not even my enemies.

Thank you for letting me vent on here, I feel somewhat better.

#Depression #FeelingAlone #invisisbledisability #Anxiety #MightyTogether

Loving Myself through Chronic Pain
#Ileostomy #ChronicPain #FeelingAlone #Nosupport #MedicallyDismissed
Today I will give myself Grace and Love Myself right where I’m at, here…in this moment. I’ve spent years “hating myself”, from failed surgeries, to chronic pain, depression, anxiety, feeling dismissed by doctors/surgeons and the rejection that creates. But today I’m choosing to love me, to give myself Grace, to realize I did not choose this life path rather it chose me. My days do not look like any normal day, any day. That’s okay. I’ve come to accept me, my limitations along with my unquieness. On days I miss the old me, the healthy me, I remind myself life is a journey not a sprint. I take my time to reflect, to feel, to allow those negative feelings to be brought into light so I can deal with them, heal from them. I no longer am running from my reality. Rather I am facing it, the good, the bad and the ugly. Allowing myself to heal from the trauma I’ve faced. Indeed it’s not overnight, sometimes it may be 1 step forward 2 steps back, other days it’s moment by moment… but…. Today I’m choosing to love myself a little more, a little stronger, a little harder. Leaning into acceptance.