whoamIanyway

I'm still new here and I feel weird because it's like everyone here just became friends. Like, you guys are my friends you just don't know it yet. Even though I think that's funny it makes me feel like I'm kind of an awkward stalker. And I have to remind myself that I shouldn't be so open and trusting.... that's what gets me in trouble. I don't know what to. I like getting on here and feel comforted, supported, and free of the judgements I've become accustomed to... but are you guys really a community I am ok in? Am I really accepted here? How do I know I shouldn't just be quiet and observe? Maybe I should do that but then I'm robbing myself of the relief I get from talking to people. Damn. This is so hard. I really don't know what to do. #PTSD #TraumaticBrainInjury #dissociativeamnesia #Depression #Awkward #whoamIanyway

I feel as though I do anything and everything for my friends. I told my “bestfriends” about my depression but no one lends their support. Everyone just asks if I’m doing ok. When I try to tell them something I get told to be quiet as I embarrass them or get told to get over it, or they quickly butt in, fake smile and say Oh it seems as though you’re doing heaps better because you’re out. I recently had a GP appointment and scored 48 out of 50 for my depression etc and I now have to take two medications one during the day and one at night so yeah I’m doing great 🙄
My bestfriend is having problems and I am there for her when she needs me night or day. Why isn’t she there for me? Why aren’t my cries for help important? My family doesn’t care - my sister ignores my cries for help - tells me i’m embarrassing her, over- reacting, and just gets annoyed that I’m not better yet. She always is there for her friends but always puts me second. My mum doesn’t speak to me as someone else annoys her about - sometimes if we plan an outing she tells me that if i’m going to be depressed not to come as it will put her in a bad mood when she is in a good mood. If she needs me I’m there for her no matter what. My dad and I don’t communicate very well so he couldn’t give a shit and never asks me how I am anyways.
I hate that whenever I have tried to be myself it is never good enough for people. They always want me to change. In the past I have changed the way I dress, look and talk to fit in as people have been nasty to my face about me being myself. Yet when I have changed and be the person who they are looking for it still isn’t good enough. Another person always comes by who is better than me and it shows in past and present friendships, and past and present relationships. I’m still here alone with no real friends. When I think about the friendships I have lost I become overwhelmed by sadness. If I hate who I am how can I expect anyone else to love me? I am married and I love my husband more than anything in the world - but sometimes I want it all to end. I am just holding him back and being a burden. He is better off without me.