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My Bipolar Makes Me Believe They Will Leave. Not Everyone Leaves.

I drank too much. I always do. He held me as I cried and made me comfort food as I lie in bed, drunk and convinced that he was leaving, like they always do. I’m always terrified that they’ll leave.

I passed out, don’t remember. He said he stayed with me for 20 minutes as I slept before going home and I can’t stop wondering what he was thinking about. Of course I assume it was about leaving me.

I woke up at 4 a.m., he wasn’t there. I panicked. I can’t remember the end of the night. Are we still together? What happened?

I get ready for work, I’ll go in early. No, screw that, I’ll take the first 5:30 bus up to his house to see what happened, to apologize.

I let myself in with the extra key he gave me, I wake him up. I ask if he’s OK, he says yes. I ask if we’re OK, he says yes. I tell him I’m sorry, he says there’s no need. He hugs me. I tell him I am terrified that he’ll leave. He said he understands and I had nothing to apologize for. He makes room for me in his bed and holds me.

He smells like sleep and feels like warmth and love.

We make plans for me to come over tonight. We say we love each other. We kiss. I feel reassured and better as soon as he smiles at me.

I don’t know how I got so lucky to find someone as understanding and loving as I did.

I never thought I would, nor did I think I deserve it.

We all deserve it.

Don’t settle for someone who makes you feel guilty for who you are.

Find someone who holds you when you cry, who holds and kisses your forehead you as you hyperventilate.

Find someone who tells you that you don’t need to apologize for when you’re out of control.

Find someone who loves you unconditionally, who doesn’t protest, who accepts you with open arms when you show up at 6 a.m. the next morning as they’re sleeping.

If you don’t find that in someone else, be that for yourself. We are who we are. We may have a mental illness, but we are deserving of love and acceptance. If you don’t find that in another person, learn to love and accept yourself. It’s a hard road, but it’s a road worth traveling.

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 Thinkstock photo via ArthurHidden