10 Tools for Trauma Survivors Asking 'How Do I Get Help?’
When one of my Mighty articles, “We Can’t Keep Treating Complex Trauma the Same Way We Treat Generalized Anxiety” went viral, I was touched to read in the comments how many people finally felt seen and understood. One of the most common questions I received was, “So, how do I get help?”
A few years ago, I hit a serious wall. I was emotionally and physically exhausted, but didn’t understand why. Sure, I was a mom, wife, graduate student and ran a business, but this exhaustion went much deeper than my chronic state of busyness, hypervigilance and hyper-focus. Sure, I knew I had a rough childhood and had gone no-contact with my parents 10 years prior. I got on with my life. I made many positive and deliberate changes so I didn’t repeat their patterns, but I hadn’t fully unpacked just how vast that black hole of childhood trauma was. For me, awakening to the impact of my childhood trauma has happened over many years, with thousands of tiny steps toward recovery. But one day, the truth of it hit me so hard, I had to drop everything to process it. I had no choice because my body and brain simply gave out. I had to grow or succumb.
I chose to grow.
I threw myself headlong into the task of really looking at my issues. You could say I was hyper-focused about trauma recovery, and you wouldn’t be wrong. I found a trauma-informed therapist and started eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. I read all of the books. I joined online groups. I researched. I studied. Did I mention I was hyper-focused? As a result, the scales fell from my eyes and I really saw the impact of my own trauma. I gained much deeper insight into why I didn’t feel successful in spite of success, why I felt responsible for things that weren’t my fault, the source of what was making me physically ill and how I coped to survive. As I made more connections and opened more doors into traumas locked away, I entered into a process of deep, soulful grieving. Much of it had been stored up in me for over 40 years with nowhere to go. Grieving became my priority and I learned to ride its wave. I learned grief doesn’t really end. Like the ocean, it thrusts and recedes in a constant flux.
If you are looking to go down the path of trauma recovery, chances are you’re feeling some form of anxiety about it. It’s a hard road. Trauma recovery requires great courage, and it happens on its own timeline. But if you’re like me, eventually it becomes a necessary road. For much of my life, I knew there was unprocessed “stuff” I had to deal with eventually. When I got to the place where I had to choose between growing or succumbing, I decided whatever was behind those locked doors in my mind couldn’t be as bad as the consequences of a life of denial and fear of the unknown. I am so glad I chose to confront the terror of my past, because I was able to learn who I really am. I finally got to free myself from the clutches of abuse and neglect.
So, what helped me? Here is a list, in no particular order. Hopefully there are a few new things to try out. Your list will probably look different from mine. Part of the process of recovery is to seek out your own likes and dislikes to figure out what works for you.
1. The ACE study.
2. “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk.
This is a great explanation of the neurobiology of trauma, and how it manifests itself in the physical body.
3. Pete Walker‘s books: “The Tao of Fully Feeling” and “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.”
These are perhaps the best books I’ve read on unlocking and grieving trauma. Walker described my experience so perfectly, I had to put his books down every paragraph or so just to process. I have never felt so seen and understood by an author.
4. Trauma-informed therapy.
I was wary of seeking out a therapist due to several unhappy experiences trying to seek counseling with my abusers in the past. What helped me was searching specifically for the term, “trauma-informed.” I actually didn’t realize trauma was at the center of my issues when I sought it out, but I had a hunch it “might” be. In a similar way, I used to think I “might” have been abused, but wasn’t sure, since I was always told (by my abusers) I was being too sensitive. The confusion from gaslighting and denial can have such a strong hold, it isn’t until one is immersed in therapy the problem becomes clear. If you suspect trauma, you owe it to yourself to see a trauma-informed therapist. Therapists can specialize in all sorts of things, which may or may not be helpful for your specific needs, which is why you want someone specially certified in this area.
EMDR is a form of exposure therapy developed by Francine Shapiro. There are other techniques for trauma, but EMDR seems to be getting the most traction. I personally like it much more than talk therapy, which seems to have its limitations, especially in reaching the automatic physiological responses which drive me as a person with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Some people see relief right away, especially for singular traumas. For those of us who have years of formational trauma, expect years of EMDR to uncover the layers. It’s important to find a therapist who is trained and certified via the International Association of EMDR, not just somebody who took a short class. Check out the association for referrals.
6. Trauma release exercises (TRE).
These were developed by Dr. David Berceli and are simple exercises which isolate the psoas muscle, and help to release emotional tension which is stored in the physical body. What’s nice about TRE is it is complementary to other therapies, such as EMDR, as a way to release what comes up. If an emotional flashback triggers a stress response in my body, TRE is my go-to for releasing it. I find it more effective than yoga and other forms of stretching, though yoga is effective for many and arguably a more popular option. You can find a trained provider through the association here.
7. Trauma coaching.
Trauma coaches usually work in tandem with therapists and other mental health professionals to help you focus on your recovery goals. Therapists tend to work with your past, while coaches work with you to create the future you want. Trauma recovery coaches are specifically trained, and often specialize in a specific form of trauma. Need someone who understands birth trauma? There’s a coach for that. Need someone who gets narcissistic abuse? Trauma coaches can help you. Additionally, coaches offer a variety of services which can be available anywhere with a Wi-Fi connection and fit into any budget. Check out the International Association of Trauma Recovery Coaching for a referral.
8. Online resources.
There are a lot of great online resources which I’ve found to be extremely helpful in understanding my own trauma. Do a search on Twitter or Facebook for trauma recovery, narcissistic abuse or any other hashtag that applies to you. Some folks I love and follow in the trauma recovery community are Bobbi Parish, Athena Moberg, Shahida Arabi, Shannon Thomas, Lisa Romano, Lily Hope Lucario and Michele Nieves.
9. Other books.
Check out “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller (an oldie but a goodie), “Healing From Hidden Abuse” by Shannon Thomas, “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Mason and Kreger, “The Complex PTSD Workbook” by Arielle Schwartz and “Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie. There are a ton more, of course.
Here is where The Mighty community truly shines. The goal in trauma recovery is to learn how to draw ourselves closer to others who are safe and healthy for us. Relational trauma that stems from abuse must ultimately be healed through relationships with others. It’s not a solo sport. Of course, for many of us, this is the scariest aspect of recovery. I can read about trauma and lurk online all day, but if I am not actually connecting with other humans, I am not growing and healing. Online communities that understand trauma recovery are a great place to start. If you’re like me and feel you have been misunderstood for most of your life, it is essential to surround yourself with others who “get” the impact of abuse. For many of us, that’s not always our friends and family; it’s a larger community of survivors.
Last but not least, it is important to know trauma recovery can only happen if you are 100% safe and free from abusive people in your life. It’s impossible to do this sort of work and still be under the influence of an abuser. As you recognize more patterns, expect to evict more people from your life who do not prove themselves safe. It can be difficult, but your life and well-being depend on it. You are absolutely worthy of a life that is fully your own, free from abuse.
Getty image by Khosrork