Neglect

I am 47 years old and have yet to enjoy much of anything in this life. I have CPTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and all coated with psychosis. I have had these my entire life due to childhood sexual abuse and neglect. Then about 6 years ago I went through a series of extremely traumatic events all at the same time. It was too much. I broke. I started seeking treatment about 5 years ago. The national suicide hotline gave me the name of a place for people with no insurance. I am sitting here 5 years later, worse than when I started. I have never seen the same doctor more than once. The medication system they have leaves me without my meds about a week before I get the refill just enough time to be rushed with every suicidal thought there is. Don't get me wrong, my caseworker is so sweet and she's been the only consistency in my treatment. I appreciate that!! She didn't mean it when she said it, but last week she says, "I'll talk to you next month and pretend I have solutions I really don't have.". It disheartened my soul. I can't tell you the number of times I called their nurses hotline telling them I didn't feel ok. Telling them I was scared. Something was terribly wrong, and never a call back at all. I'm so lucky to have a husband that is so sweet, patient, and understanding or I would be dead. 100%. In addition to all of the chaos I deal with in my head, I am a full time caregiver to my mom who has early onset Alzheimers I have a front row ticket watching my mom slowly die. Everyone has long since forgot her. My brother robbed her blind and left her with nothing to care for herself. I made a promise to her I would never leave her. My husband and I are literally all she has. She's living her worst nightmare and I can do nothing to help. She can't even communicate with me anymore. I have to read her body language just to try to guess what she needs. I have phobias that leave me paralyzed for hours at times. My husband juggles work and trying to care for us. We are blessed he loves us and is so awesome. As my mom declines, so do I. I hear locusts 24/7. It was very low when I was a child. I focused on them the summer my sexual abuse began. I hear them so loud now that I am beyond desperate to make them stop. When you add that to all the chaos around me, I'm not sure how I'm still here at all. I have been swaying around that line for a very long time. I have my associates degree in radiology. I put myself through school with 2 kids and no help. All the while battling my mental health. I have worked on 2 presidents campaigns and always strived to make my children proud of who I was. I have a huge heart and have so much I want to do in this world, but I don't want to get out of bed. If someone could see the desperation I feel daily and could help me with treatment, I can repay them. Make payments, something but I can't even get most to even answer the phone. I need to get better so I can help my mom with this last stage of her life. I want so badly to feel life. Feel something other than despair. I have been through things you only see in the movies, most wouldn't have made it this far, yet I'm still here fighting to be a normal person. I'm no one special, but I feel after all the abuse I've endured and pain I've carried for others, I deserve to get better. I'm not asking for sympathy. Others have been thru so much more than me, I'm just begging for help. Is there anyone out there?

For all my life I have dealt with mental issues. About 15 years ago the army diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) when i was discharged and placed in a mental hospital. About 3 years later I had a mental breakdown and was rediagnosed with B.P.D. I was put on some heavy medication that made me emotiinally empty. That caused me to almost lose the one person I truly love and that I feel has ever loved me. It took me 10 more years and an episode of trying to kill myself to accept that diagnosis. I sought some medical help which diagnosed me with B.P.D., Bipolar 1 (manic depressive) and sever anxiety disorder. I started taking a medication called lexapro that seemed to help for a while. I also participated in counseling for a while. Now I just don't know what all is wrong with me. Nothing really works anymore and i can't seem to control my actions. The only action I can somewhat control is physical anger. I never hit anyone I never wanted to. I do however destroy walls and other objects by hitting with my fist. I have also hurt myself by punching things. I never want to hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. That being said, all i seem to be able to do is destroy those closest to me emotiinally. I am so tired of all the pain I cause. I just don't want to cause pain anymore and I don't want to be in pain anymore. I just don't feel like meds and counseling are working. I just want all the pain and emptiness I feel to stop. I want all the pain I cause people around me to stop. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what all is wrong with me. I am going to seek psychiatric and psychological help, I just don't want to be put in a mental hospital again. I am so tired of feeling something inside and cannot actually show it and end up neglecting everything and everyone around me. All I want is to be normal and be able to show in my actions how I really feel. I feel so trapped in my own mind and hate feeling like everyone around me is against me somehow. I am constantly on guard and ready to fight or try to impress all those around me that I am not sure how they feel about me. Why do I fight and neglect those that I know love me. Why do I try and impress everyone else. I am so tired of being like this. What is wrong with me and why can't I fix it? Why does God allow this to be? Why can't I be good enough for God to love me and those close to me? Why does everyone around me suffer?

My Prayer to God:
Please God help me from being trapped in myself. Why have you not rescued me from myself yet? Why must I suffer daily? Why do I deserve this? Why do you allow the people around me suffer at my hands? Why does everyone around me not see the danger emitting from me? Why do you allow those close to me to suffer? Forget about me and my suffering, just rescue all those around me from being hurt by me anymore. They do not deserve what pain I cause them. Maybe I deserve what I go through but no one else around me does. I am tired of watching all those I do care about get hurt my me and you just sit back and do nothing. What kind of father are you that you allow you children to be destroyed by a monster like me? What kind of all powerful God are you if you allow your children to suffer because of me for so many years? If I'm being honest with myself, I don't believe you truly care about me. That everyone in my life you turn away from and allow suffering to happen. I know you are a powerful God, but I don't feel like you love me anymore. Even if that is so do not punish those who do love me. Don't allow them to suffer because of me, let me suffer for them and let them be happy.

Me and my wife became a couple at 18yrs old. Four months later we were married. No one believed we could make it. We have now been together for 13yrs and going.
Even though we have made it this long, it has been a great struggle. My wife went through three miscarriages in our first year. Sadly to say, I did not support her through them. In fact I made it harder for her.
Suffering with my mental disorders, she was mentally and emotionally abused by me. I did everything to control her and be dominant. I have put her down constantly and not even knowing I was. I have taken all her weaknesses and used them against her in anger. I hate myself for doing all that I have done to the one person in this world that has shown me nothing but love. I know in my heart that I love this woman, I wish that I was able to overcome my issues and truly show her how much I adore her.
As much as I have done to my wife she is not the only one who suffers. In some way or another everyone that gets close to me or show me love, gets hurt eventually.

For all my life I have dealt with mental issues. About 15 years ago the army diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) when i was discharged and placed in a mental hospital. About 3 years later I had a mental breakdown and was rediagnosed with B.P.D. I was put on some heavy medication that made me emotiinally empty. That caused me to almost lose the one person I truly love and that I feel has ever loved me. It took me 10 more years and an episode of trying to kill myself to accept that diagnosis. I sought some medical help which diagnosed me with B.P.D., Bipolar 1 (manic depressive) and sever anxiety disorder. I started taking a medication called lexapro that seemed to help for a while. I also participated in counseling for a while. Now I just don't know what all is wrong with me. Nothing really works anymore and i can't seem to control my actions. The only action I can somewhat control is physical anger. I never hit anyone I never wanted to. I do however destroy walls and other objects by hitting with my fist. I have also hurt myself by punching things. I never want to hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. That being said, all i seem to be able to do is destroy those closest to me emotiinally. I am so tired of all the pain I cause. I just don't want to cause pain anymore and I don't want to be in pain anymore. I just don't feel like meds and counseling are working. I just want all the pain and emptiness I feel to stop. I want all the pain I cause people around me to stop. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what all is wrong with me. I am going to seek psychiatric and psychological help, I just don't want to be put in a mental hospital again. I am so tired of feeling something inside and cannot actually show it and end up neglecting everything and everyone around me. All I want is to be normal and be able to show in my actions how I really feel. I feel so trapped in my own mind and hate feeling like everyone around me is against me somehow. I am constantly on guard and ready to fight or try to impress all those around me that I am not sure how they feel about me. Why do I fight and neglect those that I know love me. Why do I try and impress everyone else. I am so tired of being like this. What is wrong with me and why can't I fix it? Why does God allow this to be? Why can't I be good enough for God to love me and those close to me? Why does everyone around me suffer?

My Prayer to God:
Please God help me from being trapped in myself. Why have you not rescued me from myself yet? Why must I suffer daily? Why do I deserve this? Why do you allow the people around me suffer at my hands? Why does everyone around me not see the danger emitting from me? Why do you allow those close to me to suffer? Forget about me and my suffering, just rescue all those around me from being hurt by me anymore. They do not deserve what pain I cause them. Maybe I deserve what I go through but no one else around me does. I am tired of watching all those I do care about get hurt my me and you just sit back and do nothing. What kind of father are you that you allow you children to be destroyed by a monster like me? What kind of all powerful God are you if you allow your children to suffer because of me for so many years? If I'm being honest with myself, I don't believe you truly care about me. That everyone in my life you turn away from and allow suffering to happen. I know you are a powerful God, but I don't feel like you love me anymore. Even if that is so do not punish those who do love me. Don't allow them to suffer because of me, let me suffer for them and let them be happy.

Me and my wife became a couple at 18yrs old. Four months later we were married. No one believed we could make it. We have now been together for 13yrs and going.
Even though we have made it this long, it has been a great struggle. My wife went through three miscarriages in our first year. Sadly to say, I did not support her through them. In fact I made it harder for her.
Suffering with my mental disorders, she was mentally and emotionally abused by me. I did everything to control her and be dominant. I have put her down constantly and not even knowing I was. I have taken all her weaknesses and used them against her in anger. I hate myself for doing all that I have done to the one person in this world that has shown me nothing but love. I know in my heart that I love this woman, I wish that I was able to overcome my issues and truly show her how much I adore her.
As much as I have done to my wife she is not the only one who suffers. In some way or another everyone that gets close to me or show me love, gets hurt eventually. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with grief and anger I just want to end it all and end the suffering. I am seeking professional help but for now I'm glad I found this place.