What Living With PTSD Taught Me About Anger Management and Accountability

Over 10 years ago, I developed a life-threatening illness that caused an acquired brain injury (ABI), and I was bed-confined and hospitalized for 18 months. During that time, I experienced traumatizing medical interventions, long hours of isolation and pain, and several moments of neglect and abuse at the hands of nurses. By the time I returned to the community, I had developed PTSD. I experienced many of the common symptoms and behaviors of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but the most disturbing of them all was the sudden, explosive rage. Sometimes it would be directed at myself or inanimate objects, but most often it was directed at another person.

• What is PTSD?

Because of my experiences in medical care, I have an intense fear of being physically or emotionally trapped or attacked. When I left medical care and began to interact with people in the world, I was hypervigilant and defensive. If a conflict (real or perceived) arose, I was prepared to attack before they could attack me. What shocked me was the suddenness and intensity of those moments. It felt like there was no warning, no tremor before the eruption, no lightning before the thunder. Once triggered, the simmering, irritated anxiety would suddenly boil up and explode, coating the object of my wrath in a molten spray of fury. In such an enflamed state, my only goal was to defeat my opponent as quickly and vehemently as possible in order to escape unscathed. And I used every curse, name and insult I could muster, without a thought about the hurt I was inflicting. But inevitably, not long after the conflict was over and the adrenaline had faded, guilt and shame would creep in.

I loathe hurting people. Revenge has never been a tactic for me, let alone a planned attack. I have always been sensitive and empathetic, and knowing that I have been the cause of another being’s pain can haunt me for years. (I still feel shameful about a small salamander I killed out of fear when I was around five years old.) This new vicious behavior was mortifying, and the vehemence of it frightened me. Strangers, neighbors, my caregiver and even my loved ones were victims of these outbursts. It wasn’t until days after the event that I began to recognize the hurt I had inflicted, and I carried the guilt and shame of these moments for months after.

I began to realize that no matter how heartfelt my apologies were, or how out of my control my behavior was, the hurt I inflicted was still present. I had to be accountable for that if I wanted pleasant and mutually respectful relationships with the people around me. So, if I couldn’t change my traumatic experiences, if I couldn’t change the PTSD diagnosis, and I couldn’t control my reactions, I had to change my perceptions and attitudes.

I started by reflecting on my anger. Several years out of the hospital, and I was still furious! Furious about getting sick from a vaccine, about being hospitalized for so long, about being disabled as a result, about the abuse I experienced, about my loss of independence. I was filled with impotent anger over things I could not change. I used anger to deal with uncomfortable emotions, like grief, fear and vulnerability because it made me feel like I had more power and control. But it was making me and those around me miserable, so I started letting go. I began to recognize that, in life, sometimes shit just happens. There is often no satisfactory explanation for terrible things that happen to us, no one to blame for sudden random events that upend our lives. And even if there are explanations or someone to blame, we can’t go back and change it anyway. Once I began to release the angst I had become so comfortable living in, the anger began to fade. When that happened, I was able to see a bit more clearly and had a little more time to process a conflict situation before reacting.

I began to expand my perception to include other people and their possible perspectives and reactions. When I stopped seeing others as attackers and enemies, I had room to consider other thoughts: Am I actually in the wrong here? How do I suppose they are feeling right now? Am I correctly understanding their intentions? Is this worth getting into a fight over? It often amazes me how quickly a conflict can deescalate when one party takes accountability for their part, or simply chooses not to engage in an argument. Of course, there are times when my anger is justified, and defending myself is the truest course of action, but many hurt feelings have been avoided since I learned to be more mindful.

The best part is, after healing and growing in this way for a couple of years now, I feel more content and free of guilt and shame than I have ever felt. I still have PTSD, but the triggers are few and far between now, and I haven’t raged at anyone for a long time now. I have done my best to let go of my past experiences, and release the anger that I was harboring. I strive to view others through a lens of kindness and empathy, as I would like them to view me. Because I am only human, I will likely hurt someone’s feelings again, but I have learned to take accountability, regardless of the circumstances, and try not to let it happen again. Living with PTSD and its consequences was the catalyst for this massive personal growth spurt and increase in happiness, for which I (and my loved ones, I’m sure) am extremely grateful.

A version of this article was published on the author’s blog.