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Sometimes the good days are scarier

I feel like I’ve had a streak of uneventful days, and nothing falling from the sky at every turn. It almost creates more anxiety that the universe is somehow saving up its energy to like hit me with a meteor or something even worse.
Peace is so foreign, it seems hard to accept.
#Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #Hypervigilance

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Everything has me on edge. The fan in the bathroom, noise of the fridge, people in different rooms, all feel like they are screaming at me, 2inches from my face.

And I'm irritable, spacing at the kids, avoiding eye contact, shut down emotiona.

And I'm flaring, endometriosis pain, headache, skin on fire.

And what triggered this?
A massage and acupressure facial, booked to attempt self care, has sent my senses and responses wild. I feel vulnerability and upset, broken open somehow.

I'm on a therapy journey, an hour a week feels so slow and I have to zip it all up in-between sessions

#Trauma #Hypervigilance #OnEdge #triggered

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Are you sensitive to your environment?

Individuals with PTSD are often highly sensitive to their environments. They notice every little detail, scanning for safety cues or potential danger. When a sense of security is achieved in an environment, like the therapy room, any changes to that environment can create an immediate sense of discomfort.

Dear Therapists, a Reminder That the Physical Setting of The...

Are you sensitive to your environment? If so, how do you react to change and does it influence your feelings of safety?

#Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #Therapy #Environment #change #Hypervigilance #Safety

Dear Therapists, a Reminder That the Physical Setting of Therapy Really Matters

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My Poor Furr Baby

My 19 1/2 year old cat has a tumor that abscessed on his neck. I’ve been treating it all week but he keeps messing with it. This morning I walked in to what looked like a crime scene. He had scratched it off partway. I had to stop the bleeding and then figure out how to keep him from messing with it further. I created a makeshift covering with a sock and gauze which he’s tolerating semi well. I’m just heartsick over him and so worried. I understand logically that at 19 he’s an old man but I adore him so much. He’s been my soul animal and my constant companion through trauma healing. I just hope that I know when the time is right to say goodbye and that it’s not soon. Sigh. Thanks for reading. #Trauma #MightyPets #pet #Grief #Anxiety #PTSD #Hypervigilance

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Does anyone know who does AUTISM assessments for ADULTS in western NC, or east TN, or southwest VA?

Hi. I am seriously interested in getting an assessment for ‘Autism,’ or ‘Autism Spectrum Disorder’ for Adults. I am over 60, and I don't need it to qualify for any kind of help or benefits at my age. I just need to know, so I can answer a thousand personal questions about myself. It's for my peace of mind, but it also has the advantage of being useful family medical information that I can pass along to my kids and grandkids.

I have a ton of different diagnoses from as many doctors and therapists from over the course of my life. So many of these diagnoses have some of the same symptoms, and so many of the diagnoses seem to battle with others for ‘dominance’, that I don't know what to believe anymore. One doctor will say he's certain I have one thing, and five years later another will say he doesn't agree, and says it's something different. Meanwhile, both of them put me on medications for those things, and the second one is basically telling me I just wasted 5 years of prescriptions and therapy designed for the first thing. Not once, not twice, but many, many times I have gone through this.

Because of all of that, I currently have a bushel of diagnoses that are supposedly correct and current, and a ton of prescriptions to go along with them. And I don't have the confidence that any of them are correct, like I so easily assumed when I was younger. Do you see my frustration?

From my reading in the last few months, I have seen my traits (i.e. symptoms) and my thought patterns and thought processes turn up time and again under the detailed descriptions of Autism and Autism Spectrum Disorder. If that were found to be true, it would settle my mind, and it would give me something that I lost long ago, and assumed I would never see again: Hope. It would make such a difference if I could be able to focus on one true diagnosis instead of a jillion competing diagnoses. I could work on learning coping skills and workarounds for one thing. One.

So, I need to find a doctor or a therapist who assesses for ‘Autism’ or ‘Autism Spectrum Disorder’ IN ADULTS  in the:
1.               western half of NC, or
2.               southwest area of VA, or
3.               eastern part of TN.
(A little outside of those areas could work, too, if they are good.) ***I have been told that “the MIGDAS-2 assessment” works better for those of us who have been masking for many years. What are your thoughts?

I do appreciate you reading this far. I know that it was long. If you can help me find someone, please let me know. Thank you for your time.  I wish you Peace, and Joy, and excellent Health.  ♧

#Autism #Depression #Anxiety #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome
#ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #SocialAnxiety
#BipolarDepression #TreatmentresistantDepression #CombinedPresentationADHD #ADHD #AspergersSyndrome #AutisticAdults #Autistic
#Hypervigilance #Hyperfocus #silent #EyeContact #Stimming #Suicide #PTSD #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #BFRBAwarenessWeek #Parentification #Abuse #neglect #Insomnia #DermatiIlomania

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Nowhere to go from here

My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

Thanks for listening.

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression

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How do I overcome fear about my therapist suggesting new treatment modalities?

This has been a common theme among members of our community. Starting new treatment protocols is always daunting. I think fear of the unknown can seriously contribute to hypervigilance which makes us wary of jumping right in.

I’m one of those individuals who wants to know everything about a treatment before I agree to trying it. Knowledge is my shield of armor.

Ask your therapist to discuss in detail what the treatment involves and what to expect. And don’t be shy about expressing your fear or anxiety over it. They may suggest some resources for you to read to help settle your mind a bit or work on strengthening your self soothing and grounding techniques before you begin. You are a team and they will be happy to work with you to make things feel safer.

What other tricks or suggestions do you have to help manage fear surrounding starting a new treatment protocol? Share your thoughts below.

#Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #Therapy #treatment #Hypervigilance #Fear

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Real Talk: How are you feeling right now and what do you need?

Real Talk: How are you feeling right now and what do you need?

I'll be honest, my mood has been less than stellar the last week. Just as we seemed to be turning a corner with Covid and mask mandates were ending all over the country, Russia invades Ukraine and once again the world feels like a mess. It's been stoking the flames of my hyper vigilance and making me feel super triggered. Anybody else?

I need: Hugs, a vacation, a Céline Dion concert (this is a theme that you'll get used to) and maybe a few extra therapy sessions.

#Hypervigilance #PTSD #Trauma #triggers #Anxiety


The Parrot on the Carnival Ride

Little girl
I know it’s frightening
When the world spins so fast
And life feels like it might
Spit you out and off of its
Nauseating ride
Launch you in the air
And no one will catch you
Just like no one is holding you now

So you Hold on tightly
To your green and blue stuffed parrot
“It’ll be okay”
Into the nape of his comforting neck
You hold his wings down at this side
And hold on tight for both your lives
Because you know that if you get tossed off
Neither one of you can really fly

Around and around you spin
And you squint your eyes so tightly
To keep the fear and tears in
There’s a stranger next to you trying to replace
The irreplaceable embrace
Of a mother’s shielding arms
Of a fathers strength of presence
Though surely neither had any idea
That a harmless ride
Could cause me such alarm
So you Bury the feelings of being left alone
And on your own again
As far down as you can slouch
into the loose belt on this ride’s metal couch

And you just Hold on tightly
To your green and blue stuffed parrot
“It’ll be okay”
Into the nape of his comforting neck
You hold his wings down at this side
And hold on tight for both your lives
Because you know that if you get tossed off
Neither one of you can really fly

“It’s okay, birdie,
I’ll protect you”
Projecting on him all the
Safeguarding you wish you felt
Forced to lean into a stranger
When you feel most exposed
Like a deer in hunting season
In the middle of a field
Fight or flight not options in this moment
So you fawn
Next to this unfamiliar elder
While go away somewhere within
Learning the damning lesson
That If make believe is safer
And If make believe makes me feel brave
Maybe I’ll do this more often
Anyone can soar in painted skies
Tropical paradises
Created by the mind
I’m fine

So you Hold on tightly
To your green and blue stuffed parrot
“It’ll be okay”
Into the nape of his comforting neck
You hold his wings down at this side
And hold on tight for both your lives
Because you know that if you get tossed off
Both of you will fly #dissociativedisorders #Trauma #Poetry #Pretending #Memories #Poetry #MightyPoets #sublimation #postprocessing #Grief #Anxiety #Hypervigilance