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Hypocrites # 2 faces and denial #

From a toddler until i left my marriage and everywhere in between i experienced violence. My parents n step parents abused me physically, psychologically and emotionally. My dad denies his wife n he actually assaulted me from the 2 or 3 yrs of age. She would put me in hot baths, wake me up n put me outside n tell dad i was sleep walking. She told him i always called her an sl.t and one day dad flogged me. He blacked out.
My step father a so called Christian man who is now with wife number 5 would take his cowboy belt off n flog me from the age of 4 until 8. The belt had a steel buckle with a blue rhinestone in the middle. To this day he can still induce fear in my heart n cause anxiety the likes of which i have some control over but not enough when i see him. My mum the quintessential welfare worker. Preaching a good game at work only to return home drink, smoke pot, gamble n always in need of male company. The joke or not is that when she had male company my siblings n i were safe but after they left or she didnt get her way my sister and i were bashed with fists n whatever implement she could find. #denial #violence #2 faces. My sister n i fled as soon as we could. I married a women who was amazingly similar to mum. Physically, emotionally, verbally, financially abusive. # 6mths after we got married i had my 1st hospital admission n i would spend #24 .5 weeks in hospital in 18 mths. My treatment team which included nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists and 2 ward doctors recognised the signs of # Spousal abuse i lived with. They said i would either end up suiciding or yo yoing between home n hospital if i didnt leave. The positive to come of all of this is i left my wife, started a new life and have avoided abuse for 7 yrs.


Enough Already

I'm having a really hard time right now. My husband and I are moving to Arizona, for my health - we are on our way back from driving down to find an apartment. We so far have only made it five hours. This trip has been mostly a nightmare for me. Unfamiliar beds and the stress of losing our pre-arranged housing has triggered an RA flare, and my artificial hip is just killing me. I've had to take more of my pain.medication than usual, because of the above. I feel guilty about that, guilty about hurting and especially guilty for depriving my husband of sleep. I myself haven't slept more than an hour or two for days - 100% due to pain. We have 2-3 days left before we arrive back in Minnesota and I don't see how I'll be able to make it. I'm so despondent. I'm not going to hurt myself - I swear - but I wish I was dead. I can't see past my pain and I don't want to live like this anymore.

#24 /7Pain