violence

From a toddler until i left my marriage and everywhere in between i experienced violence. My parents n step parents abused me physically, psychologically and emotionally. My dad denies his wife n he actually assaulted me from the 2 or 3 yrs of age. She would put me in hot baths, wake me up n put me outside n tell dad i was sleep walking. She told him i always called her an sl.t and one day dad flogged me. He blacked out.
My step father a so called Christian man who is now with wife number 5 would take his cowboy belt off n flog me from the age of 4 until 8. The belt had a steel buckle with a blue rhinestone in the middle. To this day he can still induce fear in my heart n cause anxiety the likes of which i have some control over but not enough when i see him. My mum the quintessential welfare worker. Preaching a good game at work only to return home drink, smoke pot, gamble n always in need of male company. The joke or not is that when she had male company my siblings n i were safe but after they left or she didnt get her way my sister and i were bashed with fists n whatever implement she could find. #denial #violence #2 faces. My sister n i fled as soon as we could. I married a women who was amazingly similar to mum. Physically, emotionally, verbally, financially abusive. # 6mths after we got married i had my 1st hospital admission n i would spend #24 .5 weeks in hospital in 18 mths. My treatment team which included nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists and 2 ward doctors recognised the signs of # Spousal abuse i lived with. They said i would either end up suiciding or yo yoing between home n hospital if i didnt leave. The positive to come of all of this is i left my wife, started a new life and have avoided abuse for 7 yrs.

On tomorrow I am afraid of the violence and hatred that are bound to explode all over the US

I'm a shy, anxious, overly-polite and self-conscious and avoidant person. I'm a people-pleaser and I struggle with being assertive. I hate to draw attention to myself and I never make waves. But since I was about 8 or 9 I've been experiencing what my mother called "rages" during which I become a completely different person, more like a wild animal. They only happen during very heated arguments (yelling, insults), first with my parents, then with boyfriends and now with my husband (but only those people, never in front of platonic friends/coworkers, etc..). At some point, I reach the limits of my self-control and become hateful and violent. I make threats and say the most utterly disgusting things I can think of. I kick and scream and pull out my hair and scratched my face. Many times they'll have the police pick me up and I spend some time in the ER for a psych eval or even be admitted to the psych ward. Then afterward I feel empty and dead, utterly ashamed and defeated, suicidal. Where does this come from? Am I really this evil and just hiding it until I can't anymore? I am having trouble connecting the person I think I am (and who everyone else thinks I am) with the monster that reveals itself when I'm in distress. Is this common? Does anyone else experience this as I've described it?#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anger #Rage #violence

Trigger warning

This evening I witnessed the ROCHESTER, NY police department open fire on what was a peaceful protest following the murder and cover up of Daniel Prude. At the front of the line was a group of elected officials who sought to be the unifying tie to ensure everyone remained safe and that police and protestors did not overstep their boundaries together and remained peaceful. The police, complete with attack dogs on hand reminiscent of racism in the 60s, shot from the back of their line at the clearly marked press, then the peaceful protestors while simultaneously shooting the elected officials in the head with pepper spray cans and "non lethal" rounds.Only then did some protestors engage. I watched in horror as the people who swore to protect us did this to my fellow citizens.

Why do I share this tonight? Because as someone with mental illnesses, the fact that this all began because a psychiatric emergency department failed to do their job is how this began. Daniel's brother called 911 earlier the same evening he was murdered because he didn't know what to do and needed medical help for his brother who was experiencing a mental health crisis. The police are the ones who showed up. Daniel ended up eventually being taken by ambulance to UR Medicine Strong Memorial Hospital. Once there he was given care for the episode he was in. Despite his family saying they didn't believe he was safe to leave they discharged him back to the family. They did not prescribe any medications, or anything. Nothing.
A few hours later Daniel entered another episode in which he stripped off his clothes and began running and fled outside the house. His brother frantically called 911 for help fearing for his brothers safety and wellbeing. Again the police show up. This time they take a man they already know is having a mental health crisis, they throw him to the ground while nude, they taunt him, put a hood over his head and kneel on his neck while laughing and carrying on. They take his limp body and put him into the ambulance and take him to strong where he is barely holding onto life and eventually succumbs.

This mental health crisis is not something new or out of the ordinary. It is a standard crisis seen in any area of health care let alone in society. The fact that a man died because his family did the right thing that every resource says and called for help is heinous. What does this say to every other person out there? What does this say in particular to black citizens out there? Even when they need help they have to stop and think of wether or not they will get it or die! They have to stop and considder wether an ambulance or a hearse with a gunman is going to show up and hurt them while they're already hurting. I am so heart broken. I am so offended. And I am so angry. I barely have enough words here to even describe this. #blacklivesmatter #DanielPrude #Rochester #MentalHealth #HealthCare #Trauma #justice #violence

As the days have past over the last week or so I've been really struggling with my suicidal thoughts....
I've hit a level of depression that has seen suicidal attempts before I have a 2 year niece thay is everything to me.

But the darker side of my depression and sick thoughts is wishing sometimes she wasn't here to make taking my own life easier.
That makes me feel so disgusting and ill.

I need support but reaching out is so hard when your constantly knocked back.