I am feeling just...over it. Over everything. I'm not actively suicidal, but I'm OK if something were to happen, like if I didn't wake up tomorrow. I think my husband is sick of me, and honestly he deserves better. I feel everything I say and do is wrong. I'm tired of having to say I'm sorry, and he never owns his shit. This is marriage #2 and I realize it's me -- I'm the common denominator.
So, I had previously been working on writing a book. About my 14 months of a toxic abusive relationship and how it affected not only me but so many others. Also, about my healing process. I had to stop as it was bringing to much back all at once. Especially since I was using pen to paper. Rough draft #1 , then editing it and rewriting for draft #2 . Some of the situations I had endured caused me agonizing flashbacks after I was able to get out of that relationship. Hour long, I was physically fighting what my head was remembering. Only I didn't have visual flashbacks. They were emotional ones. Much harder to realize it's not real. I only saw gray but had this all consuming fear come over me that I couldn't fight or try to control. Anyway, the editing was bringing to much to fast and I started to disassociate more frequently as my brain was trying to protect itself. Triggers I've long since be able to control were throwing me for a loop. So for my mental health I knew I needed a break. Now I started processing the idea of a book 9 months ago. I hope to bring more awareness out to the public about the tragedy of abuse, I hope to bring anyone who is still suffering in an abusive relationship hope, inspiration and to know they aren't the only ones. Lastly I'm also doing it to aid in my healing journey. I've been out of that situation since November 6, 2020 so it's around 2 1/2 years. I have had extensive therapy, 3 different ways. I know it's very hard to start talking about the hell I went through, yet the more I bring out any certain situation or trauma the less hold it has over me. Ah, sorry I got caught up in the moment. But my little light bulb went off when I was at mom's last week and I was staring off in space and it hit me! She has an older model, still working desk top computer. I asked if I could use it to type out my book. She said that was fine. (She never uses it anyways). Then mentioned she doesn't have a printer, how was I planning on getting it off the computer. I told her I would get a flash drive and download it on that. Then take that to get printed. That first time on it typing, I had been working for around an hour to stop and make us a sandwich and chips. Cleaned everything up and went back to work. She got my attention finally and said she thinks I need to take a break before I lock up my back or hips. I looked up and then around. Noting that the lighting was different. I had been typing for over 2 hours. Yes I was very stiff. But but typing I can add in anytime, anywhere. I don't have to keep rewriting the same things. Which is awesome because I decided to really tell my story I had to start when tragedy first came across my path as how that affected the rest of my life.
Anyway, thanks for listening/reading my feelings. God Bless everyone!
4 reactions - There a coziness and warmth to it
- It’s literally more warm which I like, I don’t need to wear a ton of clothing layers, which’s is less laundry less folding less to clean up and put away. Less leggings. And I can feel my skin for once.
- Simple sitting and laying postures
- More surface area to feel wonderful fabrics and sensations, like cold of the outside of my blankets when the window is open
- More area to feel things internally. More spread out feeling sensations.
- It makes life very feeling based which I like
- I love how it’s impossible for people to not notice me even in their trying to not notice
- I love the moments in which I can decide to like other people regardless of them liking me
- It can be quite the statement and empowerment to just be me. Regardless of what I imagine people to think notice, there’s nothing bad happening to me. No lightening striking me, nothing punishing me for being this way.
And to own it. And to even own the it when I’m not owning it. If I remember to do so
- I’m significantly less sick as in getting the flu etc. Can’t remember the last time I had a cold.
- it’s amazing to notice how my body still functions perfectly aside from what I’m thinking and believing. Cooking cuts still heal fast and efficiently. My blood is still pumping. My organs still functioning. As far as I know it could be functioning the exact same way as without the weight. Crazy.
- it’s nice to feel the stability in the heft and heaviness of my body, like a rock I’m being kept in place. Actually exactly what I needed with all these running and tornado like thoughts and feelings. Just incredible to see how in place like an anchor my body stays, it feels like such support, if I don’t resist it.
- it causes a disidentification if I focus and wonder if this is me, or is this me now? I hope to remember to do that also If I do ever lose weight.
- I prefer thoughts like I love the anchoring in my body instead of a phew I’m glad I was able to avoid x thought. I prefer thoughts that deal with things I like about the experience of the things itself. Owning it i can communicate that if someone wants to support me. Owning a mental boundary is new to me and just wonderful. Not always, but sometimes.
- It makes it very clear how people feel about me usually since I have trouble sometimes discerning it
- it gives someone else a place to shine
- it makes putting on clothes and deciding what to wear extremely easy, and makes me consider different things fo wear even in the jewelry.
- more surface area during swimming and showering! Love the sensation of water
- makes far amazing soft and warm comfortable hugs
- I can fit many plushies on my lap it’s the best
- it makes other(overweight) people less insecure or more okay to be there
- it’s honest advertisement, innately I’m more of a simple homely woman and I love an abundance of good food.
- I tend to attract more people with similar values and goals in life that I can have more sustainable relationships with
- it makes it impossible to please people who are incompatible which is great cause if it was just for my people please problem I wouldn’t honor it and still try to change me
- aside from what I’m thinking and believing it’s fun being the overweight character in life and my relationships, there’s a carefreeness to it and freedom that I enjoy.
People don’t expect things from me that I’m not and if they do they usually leave by themselves
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Part 1
First Of All I Just Want To Say That If You're Fucked Up, & Can't Afford A Therapist, Yet You Want To Be Intimate Please Get Yourself Sterilized.
Now, This Is Why:
I'm A 34 Yr. Old Woman & I'm Still Terrified-Out Of My Skull-Of My Sperm Donor & He's In His 60s.
Well, You Might Be Thinking:
"Just Do The Work Already & You'll Get Over It."
Thing Is That Isn't How It Works.
Why?.
Because I've Done The Work & I've Unburdened Myself Of This Individual.
I've Come To Realize That It's Because Of My Inner Child.
I Can't Get Rid Of My Inner Child & Thus The Terrors' Going To Remain; If I Could Get Rid Of My Inner Child The Terror Would Go.//
I've Gone No Contact With Him-With Help-YET 3 Things Work Against Me.
1)Poverty
1 Leads Into #2 .
2) I Can't Afford A Specialist
& 1,Again, Leads Into #3
3) I Live In The Deep South & Can't Get Out.
How Is #3 Relevant?.
Well, In The Deep South:
1) Stigma,Against Those With Mental/Emotional Illnesses, Is Rampant-& Higher-Than It Is In The North.
Why?.
Because The North Is More Liberal Than The South.
&
2) The Deep South Has This Backwards, & Stupid, Mentality:
The "Purity" Of Parents & Family Must Be Preserved At ALL Costs-No Matter The Cost/s.
If An Adult Is Fucked Up It's Their Fault-Nobody Elses'.
Another Words If A Person Suffers From Something Like CPTSD-With All The Conditions That Fall Under This Umbrella-Than It's The Individuals' Fault; Somehow They Developed This All On Their Own.
That Is How Dedicated The Deep South Is To That Preservation Of So-Called "Purity".
It's Ludicrous & Makes Life A 10000x Harder Than It Needs To Be,& Ought To Be, For Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse In The Deep South!.
End Of Part 1
2 reactions I'm in a position that idk can't find a light at the end of the tunnel! I am 44 I have a son who is autistic ADHD and ODD I have been on a downward spiral since 2013 and I can not find myself (my identity) I can't work because of my son disability (the school will only keep him for 4 hours a day and I am currently aty parents and some parents AREN'T good for people (you know what I mean) they made me move in with them last year (I didn't want to) because my son and I were homeless and I knew what was going to happen and that is why I did not want to I knew that I was going to be any in the situation I am now which is I'm about to be homeless again cuz they don't want me here so why didn't they just leave me be honest a year ago instead of bringing me in no positive feedback no knowing what to do next any advice nothing! They say they are my support but I don't think this is support ACTUALLY I KNOW IT ISN'T! I have been in trouble a couple times in my life legally and that is what's stopping me from applying for housing cuz #1 they are very opinionated and they will make sure that I feel some sort of way about it like I don't already do #2 I can't make any money because I can't work so Cade:s (myson) SSI is the only income that I have $900 a month and that's about a month's rent I need some advice I feel like I'm left one option and it's only because my mental disability and I've always been suicidal! I need to know what I can do to make this work for me somehow because I'm bombarded and I can't be straight so somebody can give me some advice about whether it's going to cost to turn myself in on a warrant for missing court dure to no ride and no sitter, tbh it doesn't matter why really I also have a warrant in Iowa because last year when I was homeless with my son I was kicked out of somewhere and it was zero degrees outside and when my ride showed up I just jumped in the car but my son in the car and went left and I didn't have him restrained in the seat ( mind you he was 9) when a piece officer pulled us over and give me a ticket and I was brought to my parents before I could go to Court (also I could not tell my parents about it because they are so judgmental and I can't do anything right so I was unable to make it to my court date so now I have a warrant there too, this is what stopping me from playing for housing I know I will be arrested I feel like I have no way out because I don't make any money I don't know how I can pay fines I don't know how I can do anything! I've been at my parents for the past year I feel like they have been shoving me on anybody to get me out of here and obviously no one wants somebody you can't even save themselves I need help with hole I'm in I've been looking for many different options since my son's autistic help with financially getting me out of here help with disciplining him ( because me being here for the past year that's what brought on the odd because you can't discipline a child when you're family belittles you in front of your children I've got to get out of here I do not want this to be where I end my life I'm reaching out one last time I have a day set the time set if I don't have a light or a Epiphany or something, this is the end
Got sick on 12/29. Flu morphed into pneumonia which knocked me OUT, then turned into inflamed sinuses & ear. Now facing a ear tube if steroid course #2 doesn’t clear up the congestion. Not good for the depression or anxiety. Flu season this year is a BITCH. ( yes, vaccinated)
#Anxiety
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I am an apparel associate at Walmart where I do multiple tasks. I have bipolar depression #2 . I have five months of being in a good mood and then 3 to 4 months in a depressed mood. Doing that 3 to 4 months of depression, I have a hard time holding my job because of too many absences. Do you have any suggestions for what type of job would be good for a person like me when I am depressed?
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I know its better to get it out than to keep it in so here it goes.
This is a guy who "likes" me and I guess is trying to impress me. I no longer use medical marijuana because although it helps my anxiety it doesn't exactly help my depression so I've taken other routes to supporting my mental health that have been working. I know he's trying to be nice and "joking" but possibly because I know him, this rubbed me the wrong way and I'll tell you why later.
Conversation on social media:
Him: Makes post on social media of sweet treats.
Me: You eat edibles now?
Him: I'm getting better so I can hang with you.
Me: I haven't done it in quite a while so you're way ahead of me.
Him: What! Are you okay? Do I need to make a delivery. Lol
Me:Wait...not doing eds means I'm not okay?? 🤔 Backwards nation we're living in lol 🥴
Him: Whats up, why u not doin well? Bc you haven't had any
Me: What?
Him: Haven't had any weed? I'm not bein fresh
Me:Am I suppose to have it? Lol I'm not being fresh either lol
Him: So what do want? Drink, food or other?
Me: I'm good. Thank you.
Him: Np ❤️ smarty 😂😂
Why did this conversation bother me?
#1 : When you tell someone you're not drinking or smoking and they ask you are you okay? My question is," Why do YOU feel the need to drink and smoke and are you okay?"
Nowadays when you choose to be sober in a drug addicted world, others see it as strange or you're the one who's not okay. 🥴 Weird.
#2 : When you tell someone you're not drinking or smoking and they still offer or ask do you want some?
This is my life and my journey. Of course I can always kindly and simply say no thank you but nobody should be put in the position to be questioned and to explain themselves as to why they don't want to do something that they don't want to do.
#3 : I have a medical card and can get marijuana whenever I need it. I told him I haven't done it in quite a while but he still offered me some. I don't need a stanger dropping off weed to me. This bothers me because people who don't have access or money would have fallen into this trap and taken off their journey not to mention the safety and security concerns. I especially want women to be careful in situations like this but everyone should use their best judgment.
#4 I get that I am who I attract and I attract who I am but come on universe what this be? Lol Right now I'm in my own little world, healing in my own little universe. I see situations like these as tests. I believe when you're moving into a new chapter in your life the universe will see if you're ready to move forward and im ready. Nothing is going to have me go backwards. Upward and onwards is the only direction I'm headed.
#5 Why did I relate this to being single? Because we would have never met and exchanged numbers if I was in a relationship. We met twice previously and never even indulged in any weed together. He's not a bad guy but trying to impress me this way is a major turn off.
Okay, rant done! Good night 🌃
#Depression #MedicalMarijuana #Anxiety #Dating #weed #single #Life
× " Here's Another View Of It... " × 😃😉🙃
By Lisa Sugarman
The first time my dad Jim died, it was the first of August, 1978.
His death came with no warning. On Monday night he tucked me into bed, said he loved me, kissed my mom, and went downstairs to watch his Red Sox play a late-evening summer game. By Tuesday morning, he was gone, taken by a heart attack in his sleep and leaving a gash through my heart that would never fully heal. Could never fully heal. I was barely ten years old when my dad died that first time and I was the textbook definition of a daddy’s girl, so it toppled me face first. I was lost and shattered and confronted with the unbearable reality that the person who I felt most secure with in the world was gone.
Whether it was peak bagging together in the White Mountains or handing him tools while he changed the oil in his ‘77 Datsun 280Z or berry picking on the trails behind our house or watching Star Trek squished in his leather easy chair every night after dinner, I savored every chance to be by my dad’s side. Always.
I once heard sports commentator Stuart Scott call an athlete cool as the other side of the pillow and that always reminded me of my dad, because that’s who he was to everyone who knew him. Especially me. From what I remember from our time together as father and daughter, he was soft spoken and kind, loving and genuine, with an adventurer’s soul. He always wanted to be in nature or driving fast around a track or testing his body’s limits on the tennis court or with his tattered red Eastern Mountain Sports daypack on his back. And he gifted his passion for those things to me. So, as you’d expect, there hasn’t been a single day since he left us in the summer of ‘78 when I haven’t felt the pain of that loss deep in my bones.
That was how his first death changed my life.
The second time I lost my dad I was in my mid-forties, when I learned he’d actually taken his own life. The heart attack was just a story my mother invented to spare me the pain of living out my life knowing that my father had chosen to leave us. In her mind, it was devastating enough for me that he was gone; she just couldn’t bear to pour more kerosene on an already raging fire. So needless to say, this impossible truth blew me to pieces. Because this new and ugly narrative required a completely different kind of grieving, starting from scratch all over again. The kind of grief you can never prepare for at any stage of life.
The thing about grief is, it’s deceptive and irreverent and it shows up both when we expect it to and, most often, when we don’t. See, the grief we carry for our people really does stay with us for the rest of our life; it just oozes more on some days than on others. That’s why, in the decades since my dad left us, I’ve endlessly searched for ways to feel close to him—ways of keeping his memory and his presence alive in a world where his physicalness is gone forever. As a way of softening the grief. And that search has led me to discover a couple of powerful ways to stay connected to someone we’ve lost, regardless of how or when we lost them.
One thing in particular that instantly brings me closer to my dad is saying his name out loud. This simple little gesture just buoys my heart when the name Jim hits the air and there’s another human there to receive it. Even better is when someone who knew my dad shares a memory or a story or says his name on their own in casual conversation. That’s a one-of-a-kind kind of gift. Because being without your person for over four decades means you’re left without a part of yourself for all that time—a vacant space that can and should never be filled by anyone else. And it sucks. It’s akin to finishing a jigsaw puzzle and finding one of the pieces is missing. The image is still represented, but the empty space makes it incomplete. So, hearing or speaking my dad’s name somehow fills that empty space for me, if only for a few short seconds. I might even go so far as to say that moments of intense grief bring my dad back to the present moment, making him feel a little less gone somehow. Even all these years later, I find that certain things and places and people help to temper that loss, if only for a blink. But I’ll take even a flicker of time when I get to feel him closer to me.
Whether you’re experiencing a new loss or, like me, you’ve been grieving someone’s death for most of your life, accepting that grief is cyclical is just a core tenant of the whole grieving process. Because grief is for life, we just experience it in different ways and at different levels along the way. And I’ve learned we need to honor and make space for the ebb and flow of that river when it comes throughout the course of our lives, without trying to avoid or dismiss it. Because, when we reject feelings of sadness or loss that are attached to someone we’ve lost, those feelings don’t just evaporate over time. Instead, those murky emotions will just continue to pool up in our hearts until, eventually, they spill out all over us when we least expect it.
Now, I’m by no means a grief counselor, but I have lost a parent, a cousin, and a close friend to suicide. I’ve also said goodbye to my share of friends and family members starting when I was nine. So, I’ve spent the better part of my life accompanied by grief, and it’s given me a pretty unique perspective through which to better understand the emotions we cycle through when we lose someone we love. And it’s because of that that I’ve learned a couple of valuable lessons that may help you better navigate your own individual journey through grief.
Lesson #1 : There’s great comfort to be found when you say someone’s name after they’re gone.
By using a loved one’s name after they die, we actually honor the life they lived and the impact they had on us and the world around them. Because when we say their name, we create space to talk about our person and share the memories that helped make them so important to us. And that’s food for the soul.
Lesson #2 : Grief isn’t linear, it’s more like a circle that we travel around again and again over the course of our life. So, we need to embrace the waves of sadness and loss when they come because we’re always going to double back to points when our grief feels more present regardless of how long our person has been gone.
No matter where I’ve been along the timeline of my life—as a newly fatherless child or as a bride walking down the aisle or as a new mother holding my newborn daughters for the first time—grief has been right there with me, in moments of extreme sadness or joy or fear or accomplishment. And what I’ve realized is that grief is like a translucent film that rests on top of our day-to-day life. It’s always present but it’s often undetectable to the naked eye, until there’s a happening or an occasion for it to rise and become tangible again. Then it recedes back into the shadows. And that back and forth is the only real constant about grief. Either way, it’s always there.
We need to give ourselves permission to grieve how we grieve, regardless of how long it lasts or what it may look like or how it might make us (or others) feel. We need to embrace the suck and allow ourselves to sit in our feelings and feel all the feels. Then we need to share with the people closest to us what we need and how we need it by encouraging them to talk about our person, to ask questions, to mention their name, to remember them. These are the things that will keep us tethered to our person and give us a way to keep them alive. And saying their name aloud when we feel them is one of the most powerful ways I’ve found of accomplishing that, because it’s a reminder that we can grieve and feel joy all at the same time.
So please, say their name. And say it often.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
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