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The mosquito bite

Have you ever thought of a simple mosquito bite? If you see it biting you then it will itch for hours. If you didn’t see it bite you, then you’ll probably never notice it. It goes the same way that a diagnosis goes. If you dwell on it, it takes sometimes years to understand it . The key is don’t dwell. Yes there are treatments that can and will help if you allow it. In Med 101, we learn the 5 predictable stages that people will typically go through after a terminal diagnosis. #1 Denial #2 Anger#3 Bargaining. #4 grieving and #5 ( the most important) Acceptance. These “5 steps can also be used by all of us in the battles we face daily. But remember, our diagnosis isn’t terminal. It’s a beautiful life out there if you know where to look. God opens our eyes to see them, but you won’t see the beauty if your dwelling on something else. Years ago, I made a decision to say Good morning, Good afternoon etc etc to everyone I came across. You never know if that’s the only thing nice that’s been said to that person in awhile. As I browse through a lot of these post, I see members that are dealing with worse things then I am. When you have a chance browse as well. Try not to dwell, try to find the beauty that surrounds you. It might just surprise you….David

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The first 2 choices of the day

It’s been a long 7 1/2 years since my life changed over an injury. I spent 7 of them drowning in beer to make me forget what my life was. Completely sober for a year. Having some medical knowledge sometimes is a curse! But having changed my way of life also changed my way of thinking. When I wake up, I have 2 choices to make. #1 Is this going to be a good day or #2 Am I going to make this a bad day? It’s MY choice. One thing I’ve found is common among a lot of us is dwelling on what we can’t do instead of dwelling on what we can do. Or dwelling on a diagnosis. Yes, at times it can be hard. One benefit of my injury was, it brought me closer to God. When my pain is overwhelming, I think of the pain that Jesus Christ endured to take away my sins. I then think my pain is trivial. Guys and Gals, this works for me. Life is too short to let anything stop you from living it. Find your enjoyments, Find new ways and hobbies! Just find things to occupy your mind and not dwell on a diagnosis!…..David

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Haikus

I've recently rediscovered haikus and have found writing them to be very effective when I'm going through a low spell. Here are a few I've written recently...#1 Darkness comes unasked

So heavy, sightless, morose

I await the dawn's rescue#2 The world is so big

Will the vastness swallow me?

I guess I'll find out#3 I miss my old friend

Special days no longer ours

But memories are

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Feeling MY Way Through this Journey #CrohnsDisease #DiabetesType2 #MentalHealth #Allergies #ChildLoss #SpinalMuscularAtrophy #ADHD

I've been going through multiple situations over the past 30 days. #1 My eldest daughter got arrested at a public facility, #2 the year anniversary of my middle daughter's death quickly approaches, #3 Mother's Day is when my mother transitioned, #4 fighting for my life with these UNPROFESSIONAL MEDICAL CARE TEAMS, #5 I have 3 grandboys from my deceased daughter that are in foster care and they refuse family communications. There's so much more, but this is THE TOP 5 STRESSES.

THIS EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER HAVE MANY OBSTACLES!!!
#Fighting4MyLife

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Elephant in the room #2 - Overcoming #Depression #Anxiety #Relationships #Faith #Christianity #PTSD #MentalHealth

Have you ever been told that battling a mental illness is something that reflects badly on your faith? Have you ever beaten yourself up because you battle mental illnesses when Christians are supposed to be “victorious”?

Let’s address this elephant. Let me say straight up that illness is illness. Whether it’s physical or mental, it’s all the same. We don’t criticise people struggling with hypertension so why should people battling depression etc be criticised?

Shame, condemnation should NEVER be part of Christianity.

If anything I think Christians dealing with mental illness are champions. They are dependent on God and demonstrate that we are as human as others are but we triumph in it until we can triumph over it.

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My ex#2 TW…

I only have 2 ex and neither of them treated me right. First was sexually abusive and a liar the second treated me like I hardly existed and was someone he could blow off. Just found out he thought I was the most boring person he had for a relationship and compared me to an old person relationship. Apparently he wanted the relationship to be over four months into it and we were together for almost a year. Wouldn’t that mean he was stringing me along this whole time. He says no because he still cared about. But did he really he barely kept in touch wouldn’t hear from him for days and barely saw him sometimes he wouldn’t tell me was canceling. All I know is trying to be friends with him was a mistake and I deserved better than a coward who wouldn’t tell me the truth while playing me for a fool telling me he was happy with everything. Why do I trust the wrong people and why am I so stupid? Guess being alone is better than being played or being sexually assaulted or raped. Rather stay single than be with another asshole again.

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💡The light finally turned on

So, I had previously been working on writing a book. About my 14 months of a toxic abusive relationship and how it affected not only me but so many others. Also, about my healing process. I had to stop as it was bringing to much back all at once. Especially since I was using pen to paper. Rough draft #1 , then editing it and rewriting for draft #2 . Some of the situations I had endured caused me agonizing flashbacks after I was able to get out of that relationship. Hour long, I was physically fighting what my head was remembering. Only I didn't have visual flashbacks. They were emotional ones. Much harder to realize it's not real. I only saw gray but had this all consuming fear come over me that I couldn't fight or try to control. Anyway, the editing was bringing to much to fast and I started to disassociate more frequently as my brain was trying to protect itself. Triggers I've long since be able to control were throwing me for a loop. So for my mental health I knew I needed a break. Now I started processing the idea of a book 9 months ago. I hope to bring more awareness out to the public about the tragedy of abuse, I hope to bring anyone who is still suffering in an abusive relationship hope, inspiration and to know they aren't the only ones. Lastly I'm also doing it to aid in my healing journey. I've been out of that situation since November 6, 2020 so it's around 2 1/2 years. I have had extensive therapy, 3 different ways. I know it's very hard to start talking about the hell I went through, yet the more I bring out any certain situation or trauma the less hold it has over me. Ah, sorry I got caught up in the moment. But my little light bulb went off when I was at mom's last week and I was staring off in space and it hit me! She has an older model, still working desk top computer. I asked if I could use it to type out my book. She said that was fine. (She never uses it anyways). Then mentioned she doesn't have a printer, how was I planning on getting it off the computer. I told her I would get a flash drive and download it on that. Then take that to get printed. That first time on it typing, I had been working for around an hour to stop and make us a sandwich and chips. Cleaned everything up and went back to work. She got my attention finally and said she thinks I need to take a break before I lock up my back or hips. I looked up and then around. Noting that the lighting was different. I had been typing for over 2 hours. Yes I was very stiff. But but typing I can add in anytime, anywhere. I don't have to keep rewriting the same things. Which is awesome because I decided to really tell my story I had to start when tragedy first came across my path as how that affected the rest of my life.

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading my feelings. God Bless everyone!

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The “good” in the “bad” and the “bad” in the “good” How is being (this)overweight good? #2

- There a coziness and warmth to it

- It’s literally more warm which I like, I don’t need to wear a ton of clothing layers, which’s is less laundry less folding less to clean up and put away. Less leggings. And I can feel my skin for once.

- Simple sitting and laying postures

- More surface area to feel wonderful fabrics and sensations, like cold of the outside of my blankets when the window is open

- More area to feel things internally. More spread out feeling sensations.

- It makes life very feeling based which I like

- I love how it’s impossible for people to not notice me even in their trying to not notice

- I love the moments in which I can decide to like other people regardless of them liking me

- It can be quite the statement and empowerment to just be me. Regardless of what I imagine people to think notice, there’s nothing bad happening to me. No lightening striking me, nothing punishing me for being this way.
And to own it. And to even own the it when I’m not owning it. If I remember to do so

- I’m significantly less sick as in getting the flu etc. Can’t remember the last time I had a cold.

- it’s amazing to notice how my body still functions perfectly aside from what I’m thinking and believing. Cooking cuts still heal fast and efficiently. My blood is still pumping. My organs still functioning. As far as I know it could be functioning the exact same way as without the weight. Crazy.

- it’s nice to feel the stability in the heft and heaviness of my body, like a rock I’m being kept in place. Actually exactly what I needed with all these running and tornado like thoughts and feelings. Just incredible to see how in place like an anchor my body stays, it feels like such support, if I don’t resist it.

- it causes a disidentification if I focus and wonder if this is me, or is this me now? I hope to remember to do that also If I do ever lose weight.

- I prefer thoughts like I love the anchoring in my body instead of a phew I’m glad I was able to avoid x thought. I prefer thoughts that deal with things I like about the experience of the things itself. Owning it i can communicate that if someone wants to support me. Owning a mental boundary is new to me and just wonderful. Not always, but sometimes.

- It makes it very clear how people feel about me usually since I have trouble sometimes discerning it

- it gives someone else a place to shine

- it makes putting on clothes and deciding what to wear extremely easy, and makes me consider different things fo wear even in the jewelry.

- more surface area during swimming and showering! Love the sensation of water

- makes far amazing soft and warm comfortable hugs

- I can fit many plushies on my lap it’s the best

- it makes other(overweight) people less insecure or more okay to be there

- it’s honest advertisement, innately I’m more of a simple homely woman and I love an abundance of good food.

- I tend to attract more people with similar values and goals in life that I can have more sustainable relationships with

- it makes it impossible to please people who are incompatible which is great cause if it was just for my people please problem I wouldn’t honor it and still try to change me

- aside from what I’m thinking and believing it’s fun being the overweight character in life and my relationships, there’s a carefreeness to it and freedom that I enjoy.
People don’t expect things from me that I’m not and if they do they usually leave by themselves

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Rant & Ramble

Part 1
First Of All I Just Want To Say That If You're Fucked Up, & Can't Afford A Therapist, Yet You Want To Be Intimate Please Get Yourself Sterilized.
Now, This Is Why:
I'm A 34 Yr. Old Woman & I'm Still Terrified-Out Of My Skull-Of My Sperm Donor & He's In His 60s.
Well, You Might Be Thinking:
"Just Do The Work Already & You'll Get Over It."
Thing Is That Isn't How It Works.
Why?.
Because I've Done The Work & I've Unburdened Myself Of This Individual.
I've Come To Realize That It's Because Of My Inner Child.
I Can't Get Rid Of My Inner Child & Thus The Terrors' Going To Remain; If I Could Get Rid Of My Inner Child The Terror Would Go.//
I've Gone No Contact With Him-With Help-YET 3 Things Work Against Me.
1)Poverty
1 Leads Into #2 .
2) I Can't Afford A Specialist
& 1,Again, Leads Into #3
3) I Live In The Deep South & Can't Get Out.
How Is #3 Relevant?.
Well, In The Deep South:
1) Stigma,Against Those With Mental/Emotional Illnesses, Is Rampant-& Higher-Than It Is In The North.
Why?.
Because The North Is More Liberal Than The South.
&
2) The Deep South Has This Backwards, & Stupid, Mentality:
The "Purity" Of Parents & Family Must Be Preserved At ALL Costs-No Matter The Cost/s.
If An Adult Is Fucked Up It's Their Fault-Nobody Elses'.
Another Words If A Person Suffers From Something Like CPTSD-With All The Conditions That Fall Under This Umbrella-Than It's The Individuals' Fault; Somehow They Developed This All On Their Own.
That Is How Dedicated The Deep South Is To That Preservation Of So-Called "Purity".
It's Ludicrous & Makes Life A 10000x Harder Than It Needs To Be,& Ought To Be, For Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse In The Deep South!.
End Of Part 1

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