2

I only have 2 ex and neither of them treated me right. First was sexually abusive and a liar the second treated me like I hardly existed and was someone he could blow off. Just found out he thought I was the most boring person he had for a relationship and compared me to an old person relationship. Apparently he wanted the relationship to be over four months into it and we were together for almost a year. Wouldn’t that mean he was stringing me along this whole time. He says no because he still cared about. But did he really he barely kept in touch wouldn’t hear from him for days and barely saw him sometimes he wouldn’t tell me was canceling. All I know is trying to be friends with him was a mistake and I deserved better than a coward who wouldn’t tell me the truth while playing me for a fool telling me he was happy with everything. Why do I trust the wrong people and why am I so stupid? Guess being alone is better than being played or being sexually assaulted or raped. Rather stay single than be with another asshole again.

So, I had previously been working on writing a book. About my 14 months of a toxic abusive relationship and how it affected not only me but so many others. Also, about my healing process. I had to stop as it was bringing to much back all at once. Especially since I was using pen to paper. Rough draft #1 , then editing it and rewriting for draft #2 . Some of the situations I had endured caused me agonizing flashbacks after I was able to get out of that relationship. Hour long, I was physically fighting what my head was remembering. Only I didn't have visual flashbacks. They were emotional ones. Much harder to realize it's not real. I only saw gray but had this all consuming fear come over me that I couldn't fight or try to control. Anyway, the editing was bringing to much to fast and I started to disassociate more frequently as my brain was trying to protect itself. Triggers I've long since be able to control were throwing me for a loop. So for my mental health I knew I needed a break. Now I started processing the idea of a book 9 months ago. I hope to bring more awareness out to the public about the tragedy of abuse, I hope to bring anyone who is still suffering in an abusive relationship hope, inspiration and to know they aren't the only ones. Lastly I'm also doing it to aid in my healing journey. I've been out of that situation since November 6, 2020 so it's around 2 1/2 years. I have had extensive therapy, 3 different ways. I know it's very hard to start talking about the hell I went through, yet the more I bring out any certain situation or trauma the less hold it has over me. Ah, sorry I got caught up in the moment. But my little light bulb went off when I was at mom's last week and I was staring off in space and it hit me! She has an older model, still working desk top computer. I asked if I could use it to type out my book. She said that was fine. (She never uses it anyways). Then mentioned she doesn't have a printer, how was I planning on getting it off the computer. I told her I would get a flash drive and download it on that. Then take that to get printed. That first time on it typing, I had been working for around an hour to stop and make us a sandwich and chips. Cleaned everything up and went back to work. She got my attention finally and said she thinks I need to take a break before I lock up my back or hips. I looked up and then around. Noting that the lighting was different. I had been typing for over 2 hours. Yes I was very stiff. But but typing I can add in anytime, anywhere. I don't have to keep rewriting the same things. Which is awesome because I decided to really tell my story I had to start when tragedy first came across my path as how that affected the rest of my life.

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading my feelings. God Bless everyone!

- There a coziness and warmth to it

- It’s literally more warm which I like, I don’t need to wear a ton of clothing layers, which’s is less laundry less folding less to clean up and put away. Less leggings. And I can feel my skin for once.

- Simple sitting and laying postures

- More surface area to feel wonderful fabrics and sensations, like cold of the outside of my blankets when the window is open

- More area to feel things internally. More spread out feeling sensations.

- It makes life very feeling based which I like

- I love how it’s impossible for people to not notice me even in their trying to not notice

- I love the moments in which I can decide to like other people regardless of them liking me

- It can be quite the statement and empowerment to just be me. Regardless of what I imagine people to think notice, there’s nothing bad happening to me. No lightening striking me, nothing punishing me for being this way.
And to own it. And to even own the it when I’m not owning it. If I remember to do so

- I’m significantly less sick as in getting the flu etc. Can’t remember the last time I had a cold.

- it’s amazing to notice how my body still functions perfectly aside from what I’m thinking and believing. Cooking cuts still heal fast and efficiently. My blood is still pumping. My organs still functioning. As far as I know it could be functioning the exact same way as without the weight. Crazy.

- it’s nice to feel the stability in the heft and heaviness of my body, like a rock I’m being kept in place. Actually exactly what I needed with all these running and tornado like thoughts and feelings. Just incredible to see how in place like an anchor my body stays, it feels like such support, if I don’t resist it.

- it causes a disidentification if I focus and wonder if this is me, or is this me now? I hope to remember to do that also If I do ever lose weight.

- I prefer thoughts like I love the anchoring in my body instead of a phew I’m glad I was able to avoid x thought. I prefer thoughts that deal with things I like about the experience of the things itself. Owning it i can communicate that if someone wants to support me. Owning a mental boundary is new to me and just wonderful. Not always, but sometimes.

- It makes it very clear how people feel about me usually since I have trouble sometimes discerning it

- it gives someone else a place to shine

- it makes putting on clothes and deciding what to wear extremely easy, and makes me consider different things fo wear even in the jewelry.

- more surface area during swimming and showering! Love the sensation of water

- makes far amazing soft and warm comfortable hugs

- I can fit many plushies on my lap it’s the best

- it makes other(overweight) people less insecure or more okay to be there

- it’s honest advertisement, innately I’m more of a simple homely woman and I love an abundance of good food.

- I tend to attract more people with similar values and goals in life that I can have more sustainable relationships with

- it makes it impossible to please people who are incompatible which is great cause if it was just for my people please problem I wouldn’t honor it and still try to change me

- aside from what I’m thinking and believing it’s fun being the overweight character in life and my relationships, there’s a carefreeness to it and freedom that I enjoy.
People don’t expect things from me that I’m not and if they do they usually leave by themselves

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Part 1
First Of All I Just Want To Say That If You're Fucked Up, & Can't Afford A Therapist, Yet You Want To Be Intimate Please Get Yourself Sterilized.
Now, This Is Why:
I'm A 34 Yr. Old Woman & I'm Still Terrified-Out Of My Skull-Of My Sperm Donor & He's In His 60s.
Well, You Might Be Thinking:
"Just Do The Work Already & You'll Get Over It."
Thing Is That Isn't How It Works.
Why?.
Because I've Done The Work & I've Unburdened Myself Of This Individual.
I've Come To Realize That It's Because Of My Inner Child.
I Can't Get Rid Of My Inner Child & Thus The Terrors' Going To Remain; If I Could Get Rid Of My Inner Child The Terror Would Go.//
I've Gone No Contact With Him-With Help-YET 3 Things Work Against Me.
1)Poverty
1 Leads Into #2 .
2) I Can't Afford A Specialist
& 1,Again, Leads Into #3
3) I Live In The Deep South & Can't Get Out.
How Is #3 Relevant?.
Well, In The Deep South:
1) Stigma,Against Those With Mental/Emotional Illnesses, Is Rampant-& Higher-Than It Is In The North.
Why?.
Because The North Is More Liberal Than The South.
&
2) The Deep South Has This Backwards, & Stupid, Mentality:
The "Purity" Of Parents & Family Must Be Preserved At ALL Costs-No Matter The Cost/s.
If An Adult Is Fucked Up It's Their Fault-Nobody Elses'.
Another Words If A Person Suffers From Something Like CPTSD-With All The Conditions That Fall Under This Umbrella-Than It's The Individuals' Fault; Somehow They Developed This All On Their Own.
That Is How Dedicated The Deep South Is To That Preservation Of So-Called "Purity".
It's Ludicrous & Makes Life A 10000x Harder Than It Needs To Be,& Ought To Be, For Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse In The Deep South!.
End Of Part 1

I'm in a position that idk can't find a light at the end of the tunnel! I am 44 I have a son who is autistic ADHD and ODD I have been on a downward spiral since 2013 and I can not find myself (my identity) I can't work because of my son disability (the school will only keep him for 4 hours a day and I am currently aty parents and some parents AREN'T good for people (you know what I mean) they made me move in with them last year (I didn't want to) because my son and I were homeless and I knew what was going to happen and that is why I did not want to I knew that I was going to be any in the situation I am now which is I'm about to be homeless again cuz they don't want me here so why didn't they just leave me be honest a year ago instead of bringing me in no positive feedback no knowing what to do next any advice nothing! They say they are my support but I don't think this is support ACTUALLY I KNOW IT ISN'T! I have been in trouble a couple times in my life legally and that is what's stopping me from applying for housing cuz #1 they are very opinionated and they will make sure that I feel some sort of way about it like I don't already do #2 I can't make any money because I can't work so Cade:s (myson) SSI is the only income that I have $900 a month and that's about a month's rent I need some advice I feel like I'm left one option and it's only because my mental disability and I've always been suicidal! I need to know what I can do to make this work for me somehow because I'm bombarded and I can't be straight so somebody can give me some advice about whether it's going to cost to turn myself in on a warrant for missing court dure to no ride and no sitter, tbh it doesn't matter why really I also have a warrant in Iowa because last year when I was homeless with my son I was kicked out of somewhere and it was zero degrees outside and when my ride showed up I just jumped in the car but my son in the car and went left and I didn't have him restrained in the seat ( mind you he was 9) when a piece officer pulled us over and give me a ticket and I was brought to my parents before I could go to Court (also I could not tell my parents about it because they are so judgmental and I can't do anything right so I was unable to make it to my court date so now I have a warrant there too, this is what stopping me from playing for housing I know I will be arrested I feel like I have no way out because I don't make any money I don't know how I can pay fines I don't know how I can do anything! I've been at my parents for the past year I feel like they have been shoving me on anybody to get me out of here and obviously no one wants somebody you can't even save themselves I need help with hole I'm in I've been looking for many different options since my son's autistic help with financially getting me out of here help with disciplining him ( because me being here for the past year that's what brought on the odd because you can't discipline a child when you're family belittles you in front of your children I've got to get out of here I do not want this to be where I end my life I'm reaching out one last time I have a day set the time set if I don't have a light or a Epiphany or something, this is the end

Got sick on 12/29. Flu morphed into pneumonia which knocked me OUT, then turned into inflamed sinuses & ear. Now facing a ear tube if steroid course #2 doesn’t clear up the congestion. Not good for the depression or anxiety. Flu season this year is a BITCH. ( yes, vaccinated)
#Anxiety

I am an apparel associate at Walmart where I do multiple tasks. I have bipolar depression #2 . I have five months of being in a good mood and then 3 to 4 months in a depressed mood. Doing that 3 to 4 months of depression, I have a hard time holding my job because of too many absences. Do you have any suggestions for what type of job would be good for a person like me when I am depressed?

I know its better to get it out than to keep it in so here it goes.

This is a guy who "likes" me and I guess is trying to impress me. I no longer use medical marijuana because although it helps my anxiety it doesn't exactly help my depression so I've taken other routes to supporting my mental health that have been working. I know he's trying to be nice and "joking" but possibly because I know him, this rubbed me the wrong way and I'll tell you why later.

Conversation on social media:

Him: Makes post on social media of sweet treats.

Me: You eat edibles now?

Him: I'm getting better so I can hang with you.

Me: I haven't done it in quite a while so you're way ahead of me.

Him: What! Are you okay? Do I need to make a delivery. Lol

Me:Wait...not doing eds means I'm not okay?? 🤔 Backwards nation we're living in lol 🥴

Him: Whats up, why u not doin well? Bc you haven't had any

Me: What?

Him: Haven't had any weed? I'm not bein fresh

Me:Am I suppose to have it? Lol I'm not being fresh either lol

Him: So what do want? Drink, food or other?

Me: I'm good. Thank you.

Him: Np ❤️ smarty 😂😂

Why did this conversation bother me?

#1 : When you tell someone you're not drinking or smoking and they ask you are you okay? My question is," Why do YOU feel the need to drink and smoke and are you okay?"

Nowadays when you choose to be sober in a drug addicted world, others see it as strange or you're the one who's not okay. 🥴 Weird.

#2 : When you tell someone you're not drinking or smoking and they still offer or ask do you want some?

This is my life and my journey. Of course I can always kindly and simply say no thank you but nobody should be put in the position to be questioned and to explain themselves as to why they don't want to do something that they don't want to do.

#3 : I have a medical card and can get marijuana whenever I need it. I told him I haven't done it in quite a while but he still offered me some. I don't need a stanger dropping off weed to me. This bothers me because people who don't have access or money would have fallen into this trap and taken off their journey not to mention the safety and security concerns. I especially want women to be careful in situations like this but everyone should use their best judgment.

#4 I get that I am who I attract and I attract who I am but come on universe what this be? Lol Right now I'm in my own little world, healing in my own little universe. I see situations like these as tests. I believe when you're moving into a new chapter in your life the universe will see if you're ready to move forward and im ready. Nothing is going to have me go backwards. Upward and onwards is the only direction I'm headed.

#5 Why did I relate this to being single? Because we would have never met and exchanged numbers if I was in a relationship. We met twice previously and never even indulged in any weed together. He's not a bad guy but trying to impress me this way is a major turn off.

Okay, rant done! Good night 🌃

#Depression #MedicalMarijuana #Anxiety #Dating #weed #single #Life