Just as I Was Recovering From Agoraphobia, COVID-19 Hit

On my 21st birthday, I was plagued with a stomach virus.

I was crushed I was not going out to get my first legal drink. Instead of getting sick from too much alcohol, I was getting sick from germs. I have not been that sick in years, so I tried to figure out how it happened. Just a few days prior, I went to the mall to buy an outfit for my birthday. That was the only place I went that could have gotten me sick. I vowed I would never go to the mall again to avoid a repeat of my 21st birthday.

That is how my agoraphobia started.

What is agoraphobia?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) defines agoraphobia as “Anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having an unexpected or situationally predisposed panic attack or panic-like symptoms. Agoraphobic fears typically involve characteristic clusters of situations that include being outside the home alone; being in a crowd or standing in a line; being on a bridge; and traveling in a bus, train, or automobile.”

The National Institution of Mental Health (NIMH) has linked agoraphobia with anxiety disorders, panic disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and trauma. I have been diagnosed with all of them. However, not all people who live with agoraphobia have any type of anxiety disorder.

Agoraphobia affects roughly “1.3% of the adult population at some point in their lifetime.”

There has not been much research on agoraphobia. Addiction Hope has theorized people with agoraphobia have trouble balancing their bodies. They use more of their visual and tactile senses. When dependent on these two senses, it is easy for them to get scrambled, which can cause panic attacks. Based on statistics, it makes sense agoraphobia gave me false comfort.

Having several different anxiety disorders was a perfect storm to create agoraphobia.

During my early 20s, my OCD was spiraling out of control. It was debilitating to the point where I stopped being a person and morphed into the disorders. The only place I felt safe was in my bedroom. I did not always feel safe in my house; I did not know what type of germs my family was bringing in and out.

Deep down, I knew I could not live like that forever.

I was in the years everyone says are the “best days.” Those days are some of my worst. I was trapped between the four walls of my childhood bedroom. I was imprisoned in my own mind; my 20s were held captive with no sign of a rescue team.

Reaching out for help.

Full of uncertainty, I began therapy once again.

The psychologist started exposure therapy right away. I was expecting gradual ease into it, but to my surprise, I was thrown into the lion’s den.

Initially, I was furious at her for doing this. She saw for herself how I could not sit down in the waiting room; I did not feel safe sitting in those chairs. I also had trouble sitting in her office because I did not know how many people sat in the same chair as me. I believed I was going to catch some type of disease or become unclean.

That is OCD mixed with several other anxiety disorders for you. You often have these extremely disturbing or strange intrusive thoughts that are not logical. You know that, but your emotions are so intense they feel real. The only way to relieve yourself from the torture is by doing a ritual. In this case, I refused to sit down, so contracting a disease or being unclean would not affect me.

I hated exposure therapy. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It is exhausting and draining. If I had a choice between exposure therapy or walking the Green Mile. I would, without hesitation, walk the Green Mile.

To get better, it had to be done.

What is exposure therapy?

In exposure therapy, there is a hierarchy of steps one needs to take. Think about the phobia you need to overcome. Starting at the bottom, what would be the least anxiety-inducing activity regarding that phobia? You work your way up step by step. Then, you will be ready to face the actual issue that needs to be conquered.

An exercise I did a lot of was going to a store to walk around the perimeter. I had to work my way up by touching things, then trying on clothes, then going to stores during busy hours.

I always put my exercises off until the last minute. I decided going to stores close to the psychologist’s office would be my passive-aggressive way of telling her off. I thought if she saw how distressed I was, she would throw the whole idea out the window.

Spoiler alert, that did not happen, and I was ridiculous for even trying.

The social-emotional side effects of mental illness.

I put my blood, sweat and many tears into each session. I felt ashamed about my agoraphobia. The media has painted a picture of people with agoraphobia living in the middle of the forest miles from civilization, who look rough and don’t have the ability to interact with humans. I was the farthest thing from that. I refused to be a joke or constantly explain myself. I just wanted to be recognized as an intelligent, inspiring, funny, young girl with a good head on her shoulders and a bright future. I was not going to be overlooked because someone concluded I would not be able to handle it without ever giving me a chance.

I missed out on so much, from being able to enjoy college to missing out on a family vacation. I willingly sacrificed that because nothing seemed worth the risk to not feel safe. I would rather have been miserable and stuck inside myself than out and not able to control my panic attacks.

How I made and kept a friend while living with agoraphobia.

During the early stages of therapy, I met my best friend on the first day of my new job. I went through years of having no friends. How do you expect someone to include you when you always refuse to hang out? I cared about my friends and to make them think otherwise was devastating. It felt like the only right thing to do was to withdraw myself from my friend group. I survived by depending on my family for companionship.

The closer my friend and I became, we decided to go out for some shopping and coffee. I spent weeks in therapy preparing for that outing. I had to figure out how to act “normal,” not panicking and dissociating.

My therapist suggested that I just come out and tell her about my agoraphobia. If there is one thing I could not stand to do, it is to disclose I struggle with mental illnesses.

We got along so well. I was terrified I would lose her as my friend. I did not want her to see me on a bad day in a bad moment and scare her off. I worked my way up to tell her. I do not think I said agoraphobia specifically, but I told her I did not go out much because I have bad anxiety.

During our girl’s day out, I went to eight stores and a new restaurant. I could not remember the last time I went out with a friend, had fun and was not afraid of anything. My days were so dark, I began to accept I would never have a normal social life. This day is still one of my biggest accomplishments.

For the next four years, I built up a lot of strength and courage to conquer my agoraphobia.

I was at the point where I could buy groceries once a month and go weekly to a walking trail with my friend. I was leaving the house about five times a month. I was thriving and secure at my job, which led to several promotions. With my friend by my side, I went to the mall again. I rewarded myself by buying a few things at Lush. They got a storefront a year or so after I vowed not to go back. I made going to Lush a reward for my exposure therapy.

Even though that does not seem like a big deal, it was proof I was getting better.

There is no exposure therapy in a pandemic world.

In March 2020, the government declared a pandemic and the whole world shut down. The quarantine life was no different from my daily life over the past several years. I was full of relief it was an order to stay at home unless it was essential. I did not have to pretend as much about why I could not do things or see people.

As COVID-19 took over the world, I realized the quarantine life was not the relief I thought it would be. I still felt comfortable staying in, but I was afraid of what staying home for long periods would do to me. I worked so hard to get out of the house. I knew I had many years of work ahead of me. There was no way I could back to square one. My thoughts spiraled.

Will being at home all the time set me back?

Did I do all that work just for it to get erased?

The only way to recover was to work through it. Betraying and disrespecting myself by not trying to continue was not an option.

Going back to the drawing board to adapt to this new world.

I only went to the market a few times during the first wave. Although I was extremely nervous to be outside of my home, I knew I finally was not alone. For the first time, I felt like people understood agoraphobia, even if it was unconsciously.

I always shop at times of the least amount of traffic because that works best for my anxiety and comfort level. The decrease of people, masks, hand sanitizer and social distancing helped make my trips successful. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel like the world was crushing me.

I had the space I needed to get stuff done without focusing all my energy to draw up an escape plan in case of a panic attack. It was an odd sensation to feel completely overwhelmed with fear and out of harm’s way simultaneously.

While quarantining, I tried my best to keep myself from regressing. Like most of us, I did everything in my power to keep myself occupied. I took online courses, completed my “I’ll get around to it” list, explored my creativity and attempted to cook without burning the food. The more I achieved in a day, I had enough willpower to fight off any intrusive thoughts.

If anything, the pandemic showed me how far I came. It allowed me to recognize and congratulate myself on my accomplishments. The pandemic did not affect my years of exposure therapy because I did not allow it.

I am still not relieved of all my symptoms from my agoraphobia. It will always be a part of me, and I can accept that. I will never stop trying to get to the point when I can walk out of my house without preparation and an escape plan for when my panic attacks start.