Agoraphobia

I filed a grievance against the agency that hasn’t been providing me services as detailed in my plan for years.
Here is what it was like to file one for anyone who is curious
I cried a lot and I don’t even remember what I said because I dissociate so much now. I described the services I need, the things I’ve tried and people I’ve contacted in the agency, how much my health has deteriorated because of the inaction, how I am currently staying in an unsafe place because of the agency’s inaction, how frequently I have said “I’m eating 500-1000 calories a day because I’m so stressed and terrified, I’m sleeping less than four hours a night, I’m not safe” to the people at the agency for months, and some of the other things that have happened. As I was recounting some of the things I’ve been through, I had a rush of memories like I do when I recount what I experienced when I was in an abusive relationship. I literally said “omg it’s all coming back now. I forgot about all of this.” The guy was kind and supportive.
He asked me what would be a reasonable thing that I would want in a month and I said “is it too much to say a safe place to live/be and someone competent working on my case.” He responded “you have said you feel like you sound stupid… nothing that you have said that is stupid.” That was reassuring. He asked how distressed I was and i said 1 (idk why he did this weird inverted scale but sure 😂) out of 10- the most. And I never said that. But it feels like I’m going to die while screaming for help. He asked if what I requested would move my comfort level to a 2 and I responded “it would move it to a 5 or 6.” I just need someone to actively help me and to believe me.
I told him I was worried about not being believed or retribution. I also expressed concern that I would get my case management services taken away
It was messy but it’s done.

BUT THERE IS A BONUS TO THIS STORY

A few minutes after I got off the phone I got a call from a number I didn’t know. I have personally called over 20 people in the past few days so I was like better answer this.
It was some woman I met when i was having a massive panic attack when I went to get my dog’s Christmas photo taken. She was a volunteer and was really kind and helped watch my dog while I looked for my phone. Anyways- i didn’t remember this but she said she had some contact with some agency. I was like “I will take whatever may possibly be a tiny bit helpful” and left my number with her. This was all before I was told I need to leave where I’m at. So I didn’t think much about it but it was that woman. SHE LITERALLY FOLLOWED UP WITH ME. She had, in fact, contacted the agency. And she asked if it was okay to give them my number. I was like “sure- any possibility of a possibility.” She told me the name but I was still super alert because of the previous call. Later that night I googled the agency to see if I could recall her name or the name of the people she said… But apparently she didn’t just contact the agency. She is on the BOARD. Who did she give my number to? THE CLINICAL AND EXECUTIVE DIRECTORS 🤯🫣🤞🏼
I have no idea if they will be able to help me but yesterday I finally started feeling a lilt again. Just the hope of a possibility. And I have two vessels for that hope now. I can very much hold out for hope.
#CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ChronicMigraines #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #DomesticAbuseSurvivors

I don’t know what to do. No one is helping me. My #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD are interfering with my ability to process, make decision, and remember information. I am #Homeless and #Disabled
I am supposed to be receiving services.

I feel like I’m in shock. I do not have the resources to navigate this.

I need help. Not “file a grievance we will respond within 21 days help.” I need concrete, competent, real help.

I feel crazy. I don’t know what to do.

I contacted several people today who should be able to do something and they either treated me like I was irrational or I got the fun silence of “idk wtf to do, hopefully she contacted someone else so I don’t have to deal with it.” I feel like my entire team of professionals has abandoned me when I need it most. I don’t understand how this is real.

I cannot move, I cannot think, I cannot eat, and I haven’t been able to stop shaking.

I’m tired of explaining to crisis workers why going to the hospital and lying about my symptoms (specially- telling them I’m suicidal when I’m not) is not an appropriate or acceptable suggestion to me getting help because that is dangerous. I cannot keep explaining why going to the shelters in this area are not viable options for me due to my #Agoraphobia #ChronicMigraines and #PanicAttacks

I’m just supposed to accept this because there aren’t resources.

I’m 3 weeks into a hospital stay for trying to take my life.

I am writing out of curiosity because I can’t seem to find anything that helps..

WHAT DO YOU TAKE FOR YOUR PANIC/PANIC ATTACKS?

I know everyone is different, medication affects people differently. I just need to ask, maybe the doctors and I are missing something.

I’ve tried almost everything for medications and also cbt, dbt, therapy, IOP’s & all the skills I’ve learned.

Anything helps. Sending love to you all💛

I felt it in my body for three days. I could tell.

A couple of weeks ago his friends said I could stay until spring- they’d never kick me out in the winter.

The woman just told me I have two weeks to find a place to go (Merry Christmas). I was literally staying at a stranger’s house- idk where my next place to go will be. Then she started to tell me how she thinks I should go about it and I cut her off and said “I know.” I should be kinder. She did a favor for me by allowing me to stay.

I used to be the one people asked for help. Now I’m either someone to be pitied or as garbage that needs to be gotten rid of before Christmas comes so as not to ruin family time.

I don’t feel real
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #ChronicMigraines #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #DomesticAbuseSurvivors

I truly feel like I’m going crazy.

I have a team of professionals who are supposed to help me and I have been in a crisis for over a year. I am not safe. I keep telling them that. And it just gets noted in my file.

It is extremely obvious that I’m drastically declining. I cannot function at all. People don’t understand why I cannot work. I had an easier time getting approved for disability than I have getting friends and family to accept my limits. I think it’s cuz I mask my symptoms too much. I cannot mask anymore because it’s too bad.

I can’t stop crying. I’m so hurt that it’s just okay for me to be experiencing all of this. And everyone knows “exactly how to fix the problems” but don’t even know what they are or what I’ve tried.

I am so scared and there is no one who can help and it feels like no one is even trying anymore. I have to make up imaginary comforts in my head just to get through each moment.

I hate the way I feel. I hate feel like a victim. I hate feeling disempowered. I’m so so so scared and I don’t feel like the world cares enough anymore. I don’t feel like I make sense. I keep posting and I want to read what people say because it sometimes helps but I’m struggling so much.

This is oppressive.

#CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ChronicMigraines #Disability

I am so tired of being expected to prove why I cannot work, how sick I actually am, all of the things I have tried, why something isn’t a viable suggestion- all.of.the.time.to.everyone. I’m constantly confronted with people who tell me I don’t have to explain myself yet put me in situations where they are asking me all of these questions that do nothing other make me re-explain it all again and leave me feeling defensive, minimized, dismissed, and invalidated.
It’s a constant conversation thread with each person I interact with. There is no normalcy in my life anymore.
Because I’m homeless and reliant on others for their kindness and generosity- I really cannot stop having these conversations or set better boundaries. I have tried. I cannot force people to understand.
Often going with my favorite line that everyone uses “you know you are safe with me.” Stop telling me that. You don’t get to define who I feel safe with.
It’s really making my symptoms a lot worse.
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

Every time I interact with anyone- I hate myself for sharing things. I just wish I would sit there and stop talking. It keeps ending badly. I overshare and then become defensive. I feel too vulnerable. I never had issues like this before #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
I just opened up about some of the trauma I’ve experienced and my friend was like “tbh idk what’s going on with you and I can’t offer that kind of support.” I immediately apologized for oversharing.
I don’t know what to say to anyone anymore. The reality of my life is too much and they don’t want to hear it.
I also hate how “othered” I feel. It’s often “well that wouldn’t happen to me because I would do this instead” or “I wouldn’t have gotten myself into that situation.” 🤦🏻‍♀️ it becomes about me and not what has happened. It becomes how they don’t “agree” with my presentation of symptoms. It’s not something they (or I) can agree or disagree with. I don’t know.
#DomesticAbuseSurvivors #CPTSD #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

I don’t even want to post this because I feel selfish for being so sad and scared by this. I also cannot adequately describe how dire my situation is- and that sounds overstated.

But we have been aware of it for at least two years and she is the only one who has been consistently helping me. She is the only person who has been fighting for me and everyone else has given up on my case because my situation hasn’t improved and has gotten almost unbearable even for other people- even other agencies. I am not safe and I haven’t been for years. There aren’t options at the moment and I’m stuck in limbo.

I only briefly acknowledged how much this is going to suck. We both know she is the only consistent and safe person I have to confide in. (It’s something I have actively been working on for years) She is the first person to tell me she believed me. The extremes of my situation and the lack of options for me make it hard to even move on a good day. Now I feel even more unprotected, vulnerable, and on my own than I ever have. I feel irrevocably broken. Everything feels heavy. When I was trying to drive back after our session - I had to keep stopping my car because I couldn’t drive.

She isn’t leaving yet and when she does, she is going to help me with that and the transition to whatever the next thing is. But it just doesn’t feel worth it anymore. It hasn’t for years but I keep feeling my future closing in.

I know other people have probably been here before. This post doesn’t feel like it comes close to how devastating this is.
#CheckInWithMe #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

I recently left a relationship that felt unsafe despite the fact that it left me with less housing stability when I have almost none

I keep writing these out. There are so many.
Here are a few

*His behavior entirely changed when he was angry- he was indignant and irrational. He angered easily. We was irritable and blamed his angry outbursts and irrationality on insomnia.

*My days were entirely consumed by attending to his needs- his laundry and helping him sleep and talking to him about his needs. He required all of my attention.
He self sabotaged by drinking excessive and unhealthy amounts of caffeine (for instance double shot espresso and a bang [energy drink] in just a few hours)
My health rapidly and severely declined- I was only able to eat about 500 calories a day and could only sleep about four hours. I was catatonic most of the time. I dissociated a lot more, I felt paranoid, I could not make sense of anything, my executive functioning significantly declined. I had no working memory. I felt lost all the time. I felt extremely hopeless
I started hitting myself and left bruises on my legs- I couldn’t control my body

*When I tried to talk to him about something that upset me, he made it about how I said it

*I stopped being able to process anything in therapy- the one place I do feel safe

*I felt like he was doing things specifically to get a response or reaction from me
*He “didn’t know” the most basic of life skills and would not do anything to “learn”
*I was not the only one who struggled to reason with him
*he demanded a lot of energy and attention from everyone in his life

I was only able to eat about 500 calories a day and could only sleep about four hours. I was catatonic most of the time. I dissociated a lot more, I felt paranoid, I could not make sense of anything, my executive functioning significantly declined. I had no working memory. I felt lost all the time. I felt extremely hopeless
I couldn’t talk to my therapist
I started hitting myself and left bruises on my legs- I couldn’t control my body
When we talked about moving in together- we spent an entire night talking about why I would not just “give him my entire disability check” and then he would “give me back the money I needed when i needed it.” He ended up asking his friend and his friend told him he was wrong- then he continued to argue with me about it

He would talk in circles in what felt like an attempt to keep my attention on him
Nothing made sense
He twisted what I said
There were periods after fighting when everything was so good again but it never stayed that way
I knew if we had plans together- it was likely he would start an argument with me and I would be too sick to do the activity. And then he would fight with me about that, oftentimes with me sitting catatonic. Sometimes he would demand “why aren’t you saying anything!?”
We agreed to disengaging when things were becoming too bad and I was dissociating. I was the only one to try to do that, despite me reminding him many times
He always had the last word
The one that clarified everything for me was when we were going to an event for a project to help me share my story he started an argument with me and I almost was too sick to go. On the way there, he drove erratically. I knew he would deny it. But I was like “this is INTENTIONAL. And this is intimidation as a means of control. This is coercive control.”
I realized as long as he was around, I was going to have to give up the things I wanted or needed to do because he would make it nearly impossible. Even things he wanted to do too.

I have been through dating violence and domestic violence before. I know the process of re-remembering all the things that in hindsight are so clear and obvious. I’ll probably post more as I work through this.
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #DomesticAbuseSurvivors