Agoraphobia

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is greeneyedrunner. Looking forward to learning more and connecting with others that have similar experiences. I have started a mental health and wellness blog that I hope helps and encourages others with their journey as well.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #Fibromyalgia #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder

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Delivery

I’ve been so full of anxiety lately that I’m starting to develop agoraphobia. All I can say is thank God for pharmacies that deliver! 👏👏👏 #deliverymeds
#lifesaver
#Agoraphobia

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I'm new here and this is my first post. I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar as a teenager, with BPD and OCD at 21, ADHD in my mid 20s, and anxiety (general and social) and PTSD, which caused agoraphobia, in my 30s. I'm struggling to maintain right now. Recently found out my landlord is selling my home and I don't know where I'm going to go yet (have to be out at the end of the month). I'm low income and stuck on the waiting list for housing assistance (currently have 3 roommates and they are all going together, I'm not invited). They were the last of my support and now I feel all alone in the world. I know I should go to a professional locally, but I'm terrified of being involuntarily committed and can't afford to miss a day of work or I will never be able to recover financially. I self harmed for the first time in over a decade and am so upset with myself over it. I haven't had a close relationship with my family in a long time, but they are really little to no support and very "tough love", plus they gaslight me. I feel like I must be a horrible person and a huge burden or everyone wouldn't leave me behind. I feel like my ESA is the only one left who cares about me. I know logically that isn't true, there are people who care, and that there are many others out there far worse off than I am. I've tried the state funded mental health clinic before in the past a few times, but only get 10 minutes a month with the doctor for medicine evaluation/changes, and due to short staffing and funding, MAY get to see a therapist once every 2 to 3 months. I feel like I'm running out of options and don't know what to do. Just trying to hang in there with what little I have left. Thank you for listening

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I successfully had my first day of therapy with my new therapist!

It was good. I cried and was super dysregulated. But I’m glad I made it there and through!

I have concerns because she is not trauma informed and does not know cptsd. The problem being I don’t want to have to explain my symptoms in the nuances they need to be understood because that turns my therapy sessions into education sessions for the client. I have learned that the hard way and it has interfered with my treatment in the past with other providers (not my previous therapist before I was displaced- she helped me a lot). But for now, it is a safe place and person for me to talk to. And she seems eager to learn new things. And who knows- maybe she will be inspired to become trauma informed!

How is everyone else doing?

#CheerMeOn #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Disability #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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The Ohio Department of Mental Health and Addiction Services

Hi.
So I’ve been writing about my journey to try to get someone to hold the mental health agency that repeatedly and continues to violate my client rights accountable.
I have contacted many people, gone through many channels, taken the steps in the right order- twice. I’ve done this all twice. Because they didn’t listen the first time

So I have an advocate now because my symptoms are so bad and they keep making me tell the story again and again and no one is documenting it or doing anything about it. Not the agency when I filed the grievances, and not the local mental health board.

The local board basically pushed me to the Ohio board because they weren’t doing anything with my actual complaints and the person at the Ohio board who is in charge of client advocacy would be “much more helpful and knowledgeable.”

The thing is, she is basically refusing to engage with me or my advocate unless I have written up everything that happened, that I tried to do, and the thing I want out of the meeting.

This should have been done when I first reported it. Or the second or the 30th or the 100th time. I explained most of it in an email and so did my advocate and she still wants it in some kind of prescribed format which goes beyond my limitations with my disability. Which I have said every single time this comes up. Not only that- I did contact her last year and tried to get help last year and she didn’t help and my recent email was very detailed with enough information that she could get an idea. My advocate also emailed her and explained the situation.

Now she is refusing to talk until this happens and she is pretty much making it seem like she will not help even if we do jump this hurdle. Here is an email where she is telling my advocate she won’t have a phone conversation with us despite us telling her all of the reasons why this needs to be done over the phone, specifically because of the “long extensive history” which I already gave her enough of it to know it’s not some minor thing that happened. I have given her enough background, in writing, that would make it appropriate and necessary for her to follow up. It feels like I have to chase her to get her attention when this is her literal job.

As someone who knows accommodations for disabilities under ADA, I know that I am not wrong for repeatedly advocating for my capabilities in the moment, which at this time does not include repeating my detailed medical history in a thorough document for her to read. That is the reason these people are here. To help victims. And she is making it seem like I am the problem when it was the agency that failed me and the local board that refused to actually do anything but blame me.

I’m tired of being the client who looks like a problem because I have needs beyond what they are willing to acknowledge. I am tired of being made to defend myself when I did nothing wrong and I have proof but the overseeing agencies won’t even listen to me. I am tired of putting in more work just to endure more discrimination and victimization by the people whose jobs are to help me get well. And to protect me from the things that are happening.

It’s hard to re-engage and trust in services when I am also dealing with medical negligence from the agencies that oversee the new services I am receiving. I’m trying though.

#Disability #PTSD #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine

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New cat!

We have had a stray who has been coming around for about a month or so. We made her a really safe area to protect from the elements and what not for when she wanted to utilize it. She started getting more consistent and friendly, we started feeding her, and now we have another cat! … a pregnant kitty at that.
We took her to the vet so we knew she was safe to bring in (tested negative for FIV and feline leukemia), got the vaccines we could, and brought her in. She is so happy and safe in her new home. She is clean and warm and seems to already be comfortable.
We are going to get her spayed as soon as we safely can after she has her babies. I’m glad she won’t be having them on the street or outside.
Anyone want to guess how many kittens she may have?

#Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ADHD #PTSD #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety

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48 hours or so

So after my last post I ended up calling an ambulance because of how much pain I was in and how I couldnt manage to even leave the bathroom.
It turns out I was a moderately constipated, and more importantly, I had ovarian cysts and fibroids. One had ruptured and the woman at the ED told me it was common to have this much pain. They gave me an antibiotic, some pain meds, and medicine for my anxiety- which I have never asked for in the past even though I take them at home. But i was in the ED for five hours and wouldn’t have been able to manage the tests with my regularly occurring panic attacks. I was grateful they took my pain and my panic seriously and didn’t shame me for them. I have a follow up for an obgyn appointment coming up.
Unfortunately, I had a second trip to the ED because a few hours after I was discharged, I had a migraine. I had actually said after we left, I should have had them try to run through some migraine meds because it was likely the strain from the day (plus other triggers) was likely to trigger a more severe migraine.
Anyways, that was treated effectively- more effectively in the past because, thankfully, my boyfriend was able to help me with my panic and was reassuring me and the hospital staff let him do that every time the panic started.

When we got back I slept and then checked the mail and found a sentimental gift I had given to my brother’s girlfriend in August that she returned/dropped off sometime recently (I am no contact with her and there is a post about how toxic she is somewhere on my page). She has a history of repeatedly contacting me despite no contacts, all of the blocks, and all of the other ways you can think of. Unfortunately she does it in a typical narcissistic way where it can be addressed or stopped because she can deny it or does it in a undercut or duplicitous manner. So at this time, since she still won’t leave me alone, my boyfriend is sending her a certified letter to at least start a paper trail with our request for a no contact. It’s at least something I haven’t tried. But knowing abusers, and specifically her, I’m worried about retaliation. She knows my boyfriend’s address but he is going to set up a more secure camera system on the outside instead of just the ring doorbells.
It’s just absurd I still have to deal with this on top of everything else- and she isn’t even related to me and never considered me a friend. She is just set out to hurt me. Even more than she already has. For no reason.

Lastly, my advocate helped me push past some barrier at the state level to talk about the stuff that has been happening from the previous agency (the barrier being the state representative just brushed me off when I asked for a meeting. But when my advocate asked for a meeting it was met with more seriousness- it is so annoying as a “mental health patient” to always be the one ignored- I have more training than most of the people helping me, and I have lived experiences. No matter what-we all should be heard! Not brushed off when we report serious problems and concerns).

I did paint this really pretty pictures at the art center I go to. Im still feeling really good about going there when I can. It helps me get out of my head and connect with others. 💞
Thank you for listening and supporting 💞💞

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

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