Tonight, my heart is heavy.
This feeling just sits there. It just sits, like a dark shadow, in my stomach. I can’t name it, only feel it.
And it doesn’t feel nice.
Insurance. Doctors. Therapies. Advocating. Forms. Worrying.
How is there supposed to be room for cooking? Cleaning? Fixing?
Self care? Ha. I’m lucky to have time to shower.
It’s midnight. And, tonight, I’m heavy with a burden no one should have to carry.
#medicalmom #Rare #PID #HealthInsurance #Apraxia #AirwayDisorder #chronic
Thanks to the Valentine’s holiday, our school’s parking lot was much busier than usual for pick-up. The handicap spaces were taken, so I parked our swagger wagon with the other cars next to curb, making sure I left enough space to be able to load up the adaptive stroller, trilogy, walker, etc.
“Wow! It’s busy! Even the handicap spots are full today.” (Me, making awkward small talk.. as moms do.)
“That’s so cool that you GET handicap parking *because* of him.” (Other mom... probably also feeling awkward.)
While my brain registered the shock followed by passionate and witty responses that never made it to my mouth- I heard my voice explaining that it’s not for me. “It’s FOR [not because of] my son, who can’t walk far.. and sometimes can’t walk at all. It’s because he has so much equipment. He uses oxygen and needs a machine to breathe if he sleeps. It’s because his doctor thought it was help...” the explanations went on. I know I didn’t have to justify the parking situation, but I felt compelled to. For some reason I also felt compelled to add that we park far away when there’s enough space if we are using the stroller. Was I angry that this mom thought having a child with disabilities came with perks? Or maybe I felt guilty- because I don’t have a disability, and I’m the driver? I don’t know... but I do know that being able to park closer is *for* my child. It’s not a perk. I’ve never felt personally “lucky” using it, or lugging around a van full of equipment to go anywhere. I’d rather park in the back and have my children hold my hands as we skip on the concrete towards the far away store, but that’s not how we roll... and that’s okay. I’m grateful for my children and I love them more than anything. I’m lucky to have them and be their mother. *They* are perks. Parking isn’t. Having multiple therapies a week isn’t. Spending hours on the phone, emailing, scheduling, etc. isn’t. Hospital visits aren’t. Medications aren’t. Non-invasive ventilation is certainly not a perk. No sleep=not a perk. Equipment all over the house isn’t a perk either. Watching my child cry because his legs don’t work... you guessed it. Not a perk. We “get” a lot of extra stuff FOR our child... and most of it isn’t anything to be jealous of. 100% be jealous of my amazing beautiful children- I don’t blame you. I’m a lucky mom and blessed human being. But please- don’t assume I’m using my child’s disability to avoid walking 30 extra feet, or enjoying the parking perks. Thanks. #specialneedsmom #HandicappedParking #RareDisease #Hypotonia #PeriodicParalysis #AirwayDisorder #MobilityAids
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