I Should Have Died, but This Eating Disorder Center Saved My Life

When I was 10 years old, and the 1990s turned into the 2000s, I remember thinking to myself: “2020 is so far away, I’ll probably be dead by then.”

A part of my subconscious knew I would barely make it to 2020, if at all. But here I am, in 2020, with a beating heart. I’m almost 30 years old, but I’ve been through the wringer. How did this happen so fast? I now know what my parents mean when they say “time flies.” Making it to 2020, for some, might seem like not a big deal, but for me, this is a huge accomplishment. Here’s why.

I’ve been struggling with a severe eating disorder (anorexia nervosa, binge/purge type) since 2010. Before that, I was a professional athlete and I was addicted to exercise to the point where I trained so much that I had to have two very invasive leg surgeries within six months of each other.

Over the past 10 years, I have been to 11 treatment centers for various amounts of time (between three months and a year at a time). Before I came to the ACUTE Center for Eating Disorders in Denver, Colorado, on January 13, 2020, I was knocking on death’s door. I was a very low weight at 5 feet 4 inches, I was unintentionally vomiting multiple times a day, I was binging and purging multiple times a night while dissociated (and I’d only realize what I had done the next morning by the stacks of dirty dishes and the dried puke all over my bathroom walls). I was fainting multiple times a day, my potassium was severely low (putting my heart at risk for a heart attack), I could barely walk without falling, I had to stop at every step when I went up the stairs to catch my breath and bring my heart rate down, and my bones had become very brittle. My service dog was constantly alerting to tachycardia, bradycardia and electrolyte imbalances. I should have died. But I wasn’t ready to leave this earthly world yet. I still had fight left inside this frail body that my eating disorder has tried to destroy.

I came to ACUTE Center for Eating Disorders full of fear. I have had terrible experiences at treatment centers in the past, so I had no idea what to expect. When I got here, my eating disorder told me I was not sick enough to be here, and it compared my body with other patient’s bodies when we passed in the hallway, which only fueled the thoughts of not being worthy of this care. I’m not the thinnest patient here. I’m not the sickest, but I do deserve this care, and ACUTE saved my life that was vanishing fast.

Upon admission, I met with the founder of ACUTE and he gave me a book he wrote about eating disorders. I met with a medical doctor, a psychiatrist, a dietician, a social worker, a psychologist, a physical therapist and an occupational therapist. I also met the certified nursing assistant (CNA) who would be in my room with me until shift change, when I’d meet a new CNA who would be with me until the next shift change the next morning. I had 24-hour one-on-one care. I also met with the nurse attending to me, and the head nurse. Everyone was incredibly kind and compassionate. I kept waiting for the next shoe to drop, and for me to be blamed for my symptoms… but that never happened. I continued to vomit unintentionally for the first week, and each time I threw up I was treated with compassion and care, rather than blame and punishment.

In past treatment, I was isolated in a room because the treatment center thought it would make me stop vomiting. It didn’t stop the vomiting because it’s unintentional, and therefore, not in my control. I was worried that ACUTE would blame me for the vomiting. But instead, they worked with me. They tailored treatment to meet my needs. They observed me for two days while I puked constantly any time I ate or drank anything. Then, they prescribed a few different medications until we found one that helped. I went from puking many times a day to just once a day, and they used my feeding tube for nutrition so I was still getting all my caloric needs met. I was not punished for the times I threw up. I was treated with compassion. I was given a basin so I wouldn’t get sick on the floor or bed. A basin might seem like an obvious solution, but at other treatment centers I have been denied basins and made to puke on the floor and then clean it up. However, this was not the case at ACUTE. The one time I did puke on the floor, the CNA cleaned it up like it was nothing.

I was on a heart monitor, IV saline, IV potassium and a feeding tube for the first week. I’m on week two now at the time of writing, and I am off the IV completely. I’m still on the tube feed 80% but trying small bits of food at each snack. The dietician here started really slowly with oral intake, which is also different from other treatment centers who typically force oral food way too soon and too fast. I have not eaten or drunk anything since before August 2019, and I haven’t been able to keep anything down since May 2019. By week two at ACUTE, I already can keep down one quarter of a muffin, one half of a pancake, and four ounces of juice.

I never thought I’d get off this feeding tube. I never thought I’d be able to eat or drink ever again. ACUTE is the first place I have felt truly listened to, believed, cared for and treated with complete respect.

I have friends who have been to ACUTE and they swear by this medical facility. ACUTE saved my life, and it has saved so many of my friends’ lives too.

I still have a long way to go. I still have to reintroduce more oral food slowly, I still have to weight restore and I still have to get off the feeding tube. All of this will take many months — possibly a year, according to my outpatient dietician and doctor. And, I will continue this hard work at the Eating Recovery Center in Denver once I am medically stable here at ACUTE. I will always cherish this experience and take the tools I’ve learned while here at ACUTE.

Special thanks to Dr. Mehler, world-famous eating disorder specialist, and founder of ACUTE, for creating a safe place for very ill patients with eating disorders to get the help we deserve.