bipolardiaries

I truly wish folks would not tell me to 'think positively' or 'just meditate' when I am speaking on my struggles and pain as if they can be so easily dismissed. It is so hurtful. I certainly try. I practice meditation and try to raise positive energy within daily, but it doesn't just magically fix me. I have struggles and they are real and they are painful 💔. Please don't minimize people's pain. Think before you comment. #Bipolar #bipolardiaries #sensorysensitivities

How is everyone today? I've been dealing with some rapid cycling. Haven't focused enough to create a while.... where are you today? #theVanGoghComplex #bipolarcreative #bipolarartist #bipolardiaries

This poem was built around a metaphorical picture using the fire fighting practice of setting controlled fires to avoid huge forest fires in the future.... as a parallel for how I felt as a high functioning Bipolar1 on the antipsychotic meds I was taking at the time... no judgement toward anyone who is benefiting from the use of antipsychotics in their treatment (my BP is not everyone's BP), what follows are my experiences, my feelings told through the metaphorical lense of a controlled burn. I hope you enjoy... and share your own poetry and inspiration today... ❤

Controlled Burn
By Alizon Kiel
Copyright 2010

I’m going for a controlled burn
Lamps lit far away
Fell on the floor and rolled out to a field which found a forest which waits for me
My back against the river
Back-burning
To leave nothing
Nothing else to eat

I’ve gone swailing again
My back against the river
Setting little fires along the bank
A baker’s dozen to back-burn
Leaving nothing
No fuel when the big blaze comes
Nothing else to eat

I still have seed shells popping out into the ether
My back against the river
Back-burning little seeds
They must burn to must grow
With no choice but the flame
The glowing growing flame
Growing my face red
My back slick like the river
Facing flame backed up on nothing
Nothing else to eat #bipolarart #Bipolar #bipolarpoet #bipolardiaries #bipolarartist #theVanGoghComplex

I'm really tired of trying to communicate and failing. I truly wish I could articulate how I feel in a way others could understand but that is incredibly hard. I can write a story or poem and can convey feelings there but in the moment I fail miserably nearly every single time. It is exhausting and I am 44 and I don’t know how much longer I want to keep trying. I know I need to be alive. I know my labor and resources are essential to keeping people I love healthy and alive. That is why I am still here and I know that. So I keep "faking it" because I have to or they will stick me somewhere or force be back into treatments that made me really miserable. On the inside I'm really fading. I have so much on my shoulders. It's a lot for a mentally ill person and maybe it's a lot for anybody. I want to have good relationships but it's hard when the message you receive seems, "I want you to get help so I am not bothered by your mental illness." Me being a healthy, whole person seems secondary to that goal so I really feel hurt there. It may not be how they truly feel but their actions speak volumes to me, sometimes. I really hurting.