Blackouts

#EUPD #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #Fibromyalgia #Hypotension #Low #Blackouts ful and Complicated life .... Left home 14 .... Don't have family, so I created my own .... In my head ... I had everything and out daughter .... BUT then ... I am only just learning still ... Seems you can have repressed memories that you had block ...... I was SO normal and a social butterfly .... Childhood trauma of all kinds .... Now confirmed why EUPD, PTSD, Fibromyalgia .. As well as anxiety and depression ... Annoying but the lates factors of low blood pressure and 3 reasons .... can't leave the house alone ... Black outs .... When all out ... it was the one time I needed my husband in all those years ...So lost my career, car as can't drive with meds, single mum, marriage, I didn't go for the money or the pensions ... Struggling he is married again.. Reflection I can see we were young ... He is happy now ... I pushed him into marriage .... I had a breakdown ... Failed suicide with pills. Kept trying .... People all think I am SO strong ... Luckily able to work from home as a focus ... (I didn't realise was a group or wouldn't have put work name lol) ....Otherwise, I will overthink, overanalyse and overactive imagination ... On social media have to be all positive ... They all think some mental health and Fibro .... Video calls etc .. Always the clown, bubbly, laughter .....But that isn't how it is .... I have pushed everyone away ..... Isolate ...Yet SO alone ... But independent ..Don't want to be a burden on anyone, have no family ... Feel for my daughter ... I am not the mum I was .... But more people now ... avoiding ..... Was getting social ...But not feel I am too much for anyone ... They can't deal with me ... So upsetting ... So sensitive ..Especially when use my issues against me ... All the 'self harms' just to feel something else, be someone else .... Under police safeguarding due to the trauma. I am a workaholic ... That isn't healthy either, my barriers will always be up ......have no family, people 'check' on me ... But I don't want that ... It is what it is ... I know they are just feeling duty of care ...Make sure I am still here ... I don't want that ... The only reason I am still here after last weekend ..... pathetic .... My loyal Tom cat Fudge ... Unconditional love ... Was licking my tears...I am trying to learn all coping strategies ...But if I am so confused ... How can I expect them to understand ..They are getting impatient ..... As the only ones in my life are .... The strong people ... That knew to push back ..... So they are strong people ...But also means .... They say it as it is ... And I am too sensitive ...I feel critism ... They feel they have to tread on egg shells ..... All I have ever wanted ... I guess that is everyone ... To love and be loved ... So as tried soo hard ....Now back to existing only and not living? For their own good ....I don't come across well, I can be massively misunderstood. Been single 7 years ... Not snow white ... Those people .... I ensured couldn't hurt me or abandon me or reject ..... Shallow and pathetic but blue tick individuals ... A lot younger ... For entertainment .... Just know when I go down again .... I don't think I have the fight in me anymore .... People say get up .....But there is only so many times and can't see hope ... I am too tired .....

I’m at Starbucks trying to study and do my school work and I feel soooo embarrassed. I can’t be picked up by my mom for another hour or two and I just stood up to fo to the bathroom and I passed out. I feel so embarrassed and mad. They were gonna call 911 until I explained what I had. Instead of letting me get up they told me that I was lying! They said that POTS isn’t real and that I needed to go to the hospital. I eventually convinced the stupid manager that I was fine, but still! Who does that? I hit my arm on the chair but other than that I’m fine. I know how to deal with my own body. Is ok to try and help someone that doesn’t understand why they passed out. But to try and tell me that I’m not disabled and that I needed to go to the hospital is just absurd! Anyways I just needed to say this. Thanks to the employee that helped me convince the manager I was fine.