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I am not ready for Spring #EUPD #Depression #ChronicDepression #Anxiety

We’re fully into Spring now here in the Northern hemisphere (I’m based in the UK) - and after months of being in a terrible mental funk with constant severe symptoms from all three of my mental illness diagnoses (EUPD, depression, anxiety), I can’t help but feel things should be lifting like the weather and daylight have been outside. I should be feeling ready to come out of this slump & ready to face new beginnings, set new intentions, face the world, get out of bed & get outside, taking in the Spring air & surroundings.

But I am none of these things. I do not want to leave my bed, ever. I still want to hibernate as if it were the dead of Winter. I’m confused as to how I even feel and what on Earth my needs are. Half the time I’m being swamped by some kind of very uncomfortable emotion that I cannot get a hold of, and half the time I just feel like a cold, empty vessel that’s already dead inside. I know there is love within my heart somewhere, but it’s being blocked by these emotions that just feel so horrible and I cannot get them out of the way.

There is anger, anger that is spilling out into places it doesn’t belong, towards my boyfriend or family or strangers or situations or even inanimate objects. I just feel like a poisonous snake spitting out venom everywhere. Then there’s the anxiety, sitting above deep-rooted, body-racking fear. Even when it isn’t quite on the surface, maybe if I’ve managed to find some kind of calm which is usually in fact just emptiness, it’s so strong that I can still feel it twisting around within me, ready to jump forward into panic at any moment or at the slightest trigger.

Another strong, very uncomfortable emotion that keeps crashing over me like waves on a beach is pure dread. Dread towards my future, my present, my week or day ahead, just waking up and getting out of bed. Everything feels hopeless, so dread accompanies me everywhere I go. Then, when those feelings are temporarily dormant, I am empty. I feel no love, no joy at all right now. Not even towards my boyfriend or my lovely cat. I either want to purge through some form of self-harm or a rage fit or a panic episode, or just lay in darkness with nothing around and just try to sleep. I don’t want to push, I don’t want to try.

I am not ready for Spring.

34 reactions 16 comments


I had my therapy session today morning. I was told that I have made good progress in resolving issues with my parents, when i talk about them in therapy, I don't speak with hatred towards them. Took 6 years of therapy and now I'm finally past the hurt! Even though it's a small step and i know i have many hurdles ahead but I'm so happy i don't feel any resentment towards my parents anymore!!! Especially my mother, who, as I say, is an emotionally unavailable emotional person.
#EUPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Healing

8 reactions 3 comments
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10,000 steps in one day!

It has been many, many years since I last managed to take over ten thousand steps in a single day! But, I’m very pleased I managed it.

With the help of my little sister, I’m walking more and more and my stamina is slowly increasing! As is my strength. The weight that I’ve so desperately wanted lose is now practically falling off!

I’ve got this! 💪

#chronicillnesswarrior #ChronicPain #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #AutonomicDysfunction #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #EDS #jointhypermobility #Jointpain #BPD #EUPD #NAFLD #LiverDisease #Diabetes #WeightLoss #InterstitialCysitis #Epxercise #Fitbit #happy

28 reactions 5 comments

Is honey okay for me to consume a few times a week?

Hey, everyone. I hope you’re all okay and keeping warm.

I was just wondering… Is a little bit of honey a few times a week okay? I really enjoy peanut butter and honey sandwiches or toast. It’s helpful when I feel like I really want something sweet to eat.

As a bit of a background, my last HBA1C in August(ish) was 62. I’m doing around 2-3hours of brisk walking a week and whenever I’ve had my blood sugar randomly tested, it’s always been between 4 and 8. I take slow release Metformin, Semaglutide and Dapagliflozin. I don’t have to test my blood sugar regularly anymore.

I don’t use much of it. Maybe a teaspoon’s worth in a peanut butter sandwich and a little dollop on my peanut butter on toast. And I don’t have it every day.

What do you think? Thank you all in advance. Stay safe! And stay warm!

#chronicillnesswarrior #ChronicPain #Diabetes #DiabetesType2 #POTS #EDS #Dysautonomia #NAFLD #BPD #EUPD #InterstitialCystitis #Migraines #diabetic #Advice

7 reactions 4 comments

Is EUPD a psychotic disorder?

If you have EUPD, you may get into a borderline psychotic condition where you experience extreme doubt in yourself and others. You cycle rapidly between moods, and may move from despair to euphoria in a very short time. It’s common for you to feel extremely bad, and to feel a great deal of shame if you have these problems.#EUPD #MentalIllness

1 reaction

Appreciate your thoughts on therapy

Hi there - genuinely in a difficult space needing to hear some others thoughts on this scenario - i have years of therapy with current amazing psychologist T - i have had previous therapy before and never experienced what i will describe happening today. My history is child se-ual abuse, eating disorders, then into therapy where i was groomed and abused there too. mixed painful experiences.

This year I’ve had this strong feeling for needing comfort/hugs. i don't really have a place where that happens. Earlier in year i got sick from overdose & could have died. my T was with me, first time i asked for a hug, she said, “i would love to” and hugged me. 2 months later i asked for a hug and she hugged back but i left feeling like i had abused her. then she was off sick for 5 months.

since coming back to therapy, I've done my very best to be honest with T. told her about feelings of needing hugs & feeling like id abused her. She said i hadn’t abused her and she could have said no, (which she has done with people but not me) she also said its okay to want your needs met. but when i have felt like a hug since i don’t ask her - i told her i don’t ask her. i don't know why i am feeling so unsafe and needing that physical comfort. some part of me wishes she would ask if i need a hug at the times i need that but I’m pretty sure any therapist can't ask that- it needs to be client led. it's like i want to know that she cares enough to want to hug and i am not forcing but i can't seem to accept or understand what genuine care is. i get so confused and i am guessing this is stemming from my previous abusive experiences. This T has gone above and beyond for me in ways before - when hospitalised buying me self-care products, pyjamas, and writing a wee card. We have a very strong rapport 5.5years into therapy. thank you for your help #Therapy  #MentalHealth  #CPTSD  #PTSD  #Trauma  #attachment  #Abuse  #psychology  #BPD  #EUPD


#Anxiety #EUPD #Childhoodtrauma

I'm sick of getting nowhere asking cmht for meds for eupd and anxiety, so seriously ready to order online.
Question is, whats the best for anxiety? I've been told cbd and promethazine.
Is there anything better than quetiapine for eupd?
And what the hell can I do with childhood trauma?? I think it's borderline ptsd. But not diagnosed.
Have a psych appointment Friday. If nothing changes, I'll deal with it myself.