I dislike, maybe even hate this word. I hate when people tell me I’ll get through whatever is currently happening because I’m so strong based on what I’ve gotten through in the past.
No, I’m freaking tired people! I’m tired of always having crap to deal with. It started in kindergarten. Did I understand exactly that I was strong back then? Hell no. But I do know that by the age of 10-12 I was already having thoughts of the world would be better if I wasn’t in it. I’m 50. And what has happened in those years, if I stop and think about all of it, I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting, for me, about me, the issue at hand. I’m tired...
So far it’s been- bullying, getting beat up on a daily basis, terrorized by girls in my neighborhood, more bullying, name calling, digs at my dad, unloving mother who I have never been good enough for, narcisstic mother, alcoholic dad, fights every holiday between them, cars crashed, more beatings, beatings from my mother, teased in grade school & high school, married the first guy I had a serious relationship with-3 years after I had our son, he was narcisstic, emotionally abusive, controlling, domineering, at 30+ years old I had an allowance even though I worked full time. After 17 years together finally divorced, and that took a year and was horrible. Thyroid cancer for me, dad has 2 strokes and goes to live in a nursing home, mom totally hates him even though he has been sober for years, parents burned out and my mom & 17 year old sis come to live with me & my family. I tell mom she can’t stay any longer after about a week. My son was born a severe asthmatic, in the hospital and in an oxygen tent at 7 months old, none of my family was there or supportive with my cancer, melanoma removed, dad is diagnosed with bladder cancer- he’s the only one who ever loved me for me, accepted me for him. He’s gone is about 2 months- watching him deteriorate so fast, he no longer looked like dad when he did pass. It’s 8+ years later and I’m sitting here crying as I type this. Hit by a car crossing the street, thankfully not severe but bad enough, alcoholic boss, he wasn’t when I started there. Stayed18+ years before I left. Fired from next job in 18 months, date a guy who I wind up having to file bankruptcy after he finally leaves. Sexually assaulted by a patient at job. Lose friends over the years and I don’t know why. Can’t seem to make new friends. Voluntarily and involuntary admissions to psych hospitals, both after the age of 45. Why did it take me so long??? Attempted OD & cutting at the age of 48.
I’m tired!!! Laid off because of COVID. Isolation home with just me and my pet bunny. I’ve cried so much. I decided to go no contact with my mother this Jan. Just can’t do it anymore with her. I’m tired.
Strong???? No I don’t think so. Tired more and more as I get older, maybe that’s why the attempted OD at 48. I’m tired. Hysterectomy at 46 because of so many cysts, thyroid removed for same reason. Breast biopsies for the same reaso