One minute ago, I used the last of my drug of choice that I had in my possession. I am trying to make good choices – or rather, healthy choices – in my life. This past weekend has been a [string] of unhealthiness, one choice after another, starting with and stemming from, acquiring said drug of choice. From Friday, until this morning, Monday, I was sober for less than an hour. Even while sleeping, I was intoxicated. Surprisingly, that is the worst of it. Laziness and poor communication take over the rest of the weekend. Yelling at and with the parental figure with whom I reside and doing next to nothing productive.
To say I enjoyed being intoxicated the whole time I was intoxicated, well, would be a lie. It was not fun or comfortable the whole time, not even for most of it. I didn’t like how I was feeling but didn’t like what I got when I changed it either. I tried to change it with chemicals, food (or lack of), and shopping. Anything that would change the torture my brain was putting me through. As much as I wanted to cut my arm or leg and let the black evil flow straight out… as much as I craved it, I managed to not. Not do that. But that craving did not dissipate even when I was sober for a part of the day today. I need release but I am trying to make healthy choices in my life. Healthy does not include self-harm or drugs, that’s for sure. But then, replacing those with food and shopping is not a decent choice, either, and straight up taking away these things I rely on and throw them out the window with no replacement in sight is not smart, either. So the real, healthy question is… what is it going to take to replace self-harm and drugs, to a point where they go away for good? A final goodbye to them and hello to… what though?
Coping skills are some of the most annoying things in the world to try to learn, when you were never taught them and only gathered the maladaptive ones into your arsenal.
For years, twenty to be exact, I’ve been in and out of therapy and psychiatric offices, with frequent detours to the psych hospital mixed in. And over those 20 years, I have gathered at least the knowledge of many other coping skills. Using cold temperatures to snap my brain back online, using video games or books or artwork to pull my attention off the unhealthy urge and redirect that attention to doing something else, using my five senses to connect my brain back to my body, and to the world around me, using the care and concern of those around me to build or even maintain my motivation to only make healthy choices, while checking the facts of the situation. I could keep this list going for quite a while, but only because I am not in crisis mode right now.
If I enter crisis mode, I love all connection to the healthy skills I know, deep down. That knowledge disappears. Not completely, not anymore. Every so often, an insane idea will plant itself in the dirt on the ground of my mind and grow and sprout into an inkling of an urge, and spring up, budding motivation to try something different. Something healthy. Something that may actually work. Something that could genuinely help. And help longer than the short term, immediate gratification of the maladaptive coping skills to which I usually resort.
The biggest thing I can say, after twenty years, is do not give up, do not give in, and the fight will be worth it, in the end. I would love to be able to say that it will never hurt and you will never struggle. I can say, making the healthy choice each time you are able, makes the healthy choice less difficult each subsequent time.
So to practice, what I preach, I am sitting in my room, writing pen to paper, in the glow of a video game streamer, as they run for their life in an asymmetrical horror survival game. The sound of their Aussie accent tantalizing the little hairs in my ears, attempting to draw my attention away. And they make it out alive, so I think, tonight at least, I will make it out unscathed this time, as well.
I recently asked a former co-worker, and an experienced professional, to proof my resume. I am illiterate when using a professional vocabulary outlining my skills and abilities.
When I opened the attached file and read the edited document, I literally shed tears. This person knew me. They saw me at work and witnessed my work ethic during good days and bad days. Therefore, when I read their word description of the talents I will bring to a company, their words literally made me rethink who I am…according to me.
Self talk can be rewarding or it can be absolutely debilitating! CPTSD self talk can be deadly, and in more ways than a physical death.
My self-talk mimics words of destruction. This is because, during my formative years, my destruction was desired by an outside authority source. Thus, even now as an adult, love interpreted by my fractured mind is as valuable as seeking to purchase a home with the ten rolls of (fifty) pennies you have saved in your savings account. 😞! Meaning, it just does not add up to much. Basically, you may have money, but it is not a valuable sum, sadly.
So, this entry serves as a reminder to myself, when healthy people know you and they define you as they see you, especially through a positive healthy lens, as the credit card ad says, the experience is, “PRICELESS”!!!❤️
#justrightliving #baseball game
In 2022, it’s hard to stay active! With so many screens to follow or deliveries to our door-it can be hard to forget to move- one of the post powerful things we can do. When we create movement, when we create and share life with those around us we are #justrightliving 💜 Our Fall Ball Baseball game was formed around just that! A family day for our athletes to share their skills and abilities. The months of practice along with combing a health life style. We created this program around ones that need it the most. People, Youth, Our parents and Grand parents. Inclusion means including you. We are very proud to create #Healthy experiences that involve everyone! #Inclusion #special
Eating healthy is so incredibly important, whether we’re struggling with massively stressful circumstances or not. Today’s creation is BOCA veggie burger crumbles stir fried with diced pineapple and mango, some craisins and a tangy peanut butter sauce, over a lush bed of spinach leaves. Quick, easy and healthy on a hot day! 😋🥵🌞
I caved after work today and got a donair. Within ten minutes, the intense stomach pain hit and I am still dealing with discomfort, pain, and bloating six hours later, to the extent that I can't get to sleep.
I really struggle with consistently maintaining a diet that helps me feel good for a few reasons:
1) The constant, insistent message from my parents when I was growing up that if a food item is "good for you," then you should always eat it. Right now, food items that are certainly healthy like broccoli, chickpeas, and olive oil are actually *not* good for me and it is hard to shut off that voice in my head from my childhood.
2) After living in a number of different countries and traveling to dozens more, I have developed a love for world cuisine. Due to dietary limitations, I simply can't cook a lot of those dishes for myself, but sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, all I want is a bite of one of those delicious meals that transports me back to a better time. So I order take out. And then I have an experience like with the donair.
I guess this post is about the varied meanings of nourishment for different people. I am still trying to develop a healthy concept of nourishment for myself, and I am grateful for this group.
I’ve struggled is a statement we have all used or heard someone use at some time. I didn’t know I was struggling until my kids were in elementary school. Sounds funny but it’s because I was so quick at learning ways to cover up and mask my emotions even at young age. I had an imaginary friend with me starting at age 4 for protection. She made my world were struggling was not a thing. When I was 14 I spent 18 months in a youth drug and alcohol treatment facility. Honesty was not my policy. I graduated from high school. I had my first daughter at 19, second at 23. I was using drugs and alcohol by this time to lesson the struggle. I didn’t identify the struggle. I truly thought this was the world and how things were. I didn’t identify with sadness or joy. I just was getting high or drunk making sure the girls and the house were running, but they weren’t. I had no clue what was happening with me or the world. When I was 28. I met people who had something that I didn’t have. I noticed joy and happiness. I became profoundly aware that my behavior and emotions did not match those of others. I became concerned and others expressed their concerns. I turned to my medical providers who diagnosed me with bipolar. I was horrified. I remember the first time leaving the pharmacy with the bag of medication. I was entering my 30’s with a mental illness, for sure a death sentence. For years I battled myself, not excepting the diagnosis. I was noncompliant with medication, suicidal, hospitalized, and went through ECT treatments for years. I went through therapists and therapies. I disliked all that they said and wanted me to do. I disliked myself. However, during this time I was able to graduate college, sum cum laude, maintain a teaching job, keep a marriage, raise my girls, and be a part in several capacities of an international motorcycle club. What changed me to end the struggle? I read this quote “ Strength is what we gain is the madness we survive.” and I turned 50, I realized I no longer wanted to be waking up not equipped to deal with what I would wake up to. I needed to have an adequate tool box and build on it, practice using those tools to face what bipolar will through at me. So, I did. I also, created a positive foundation of safe friends and family and to this day I still build on it. Continuing to do maintenance so it is strong in the face of storms. I developed a medication routine that assures I take the right medication at the right time. I see my doctor, always as prescribed. I keep a journal that if I write anything I write 3 things I’m thankful for. All of this and so much more I keep and analyze for its effectiveness.l strong and far more stable then I ever have. Even if an episode creeps up I’m prepared because I’ve practiced for the moment. I might not be successful at shortening or ending the episodes but I am able to call for help, adjust medications, practice self care and many other things. I’ve got strength!!!
I love this list of #Realistic ideas for self care!
#Selflove #Selfcare #PersonalHygiene #tipsandtricks #Lifehacks #CopingTips #Grief #BipolarDepression #ChronicDepression #ChronicMigraineSyndrome #Headache #Migraines #Anxiety #Feelingbad #Baddays #Sadd #Badmood #sad #MentalHealth #EmotionalHealth #HealthAnxiety #MensMentalHealth #Health #WomensHealth #Healthy #goodchoices #PersonalGrowth #struggle #LifeisTough #gettingthroughit #MajorDepressiveDisorder #DepressiveEpisodes #MoodDisorders #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #DepressiveDisorders #Livingwithdepression