I have been working on my recovery actively for about 18 months now, after doing less than minimum for years, thinking I could outrace my pain. If I could hold on long enough, my life would get better...NOT.

I have BPD and a host of serious comorbids, plus several undiagnosed physical issues (because I don't currently have insurance...you have to wait 2 years before SSDI grants you Medicare). The last 4 months have been complete hell adjusting to life without the luxury of medical care, save for 2 crisis visits to my therapist and mandatory med check visits. About 3 weeks ago, my SSDI back pay finally landed, allowing me to prepay for 2 months of visits. Hopefully I will have insurance before those are done.

Sunday, I used part of my money that I had budgeted for my 2nd tattoo. My first, gotten at the start of this journey, were lyrics from "Get Better" by Frank Turner, picked so I would have an unignorable reminder that, as long as I am still alive, the fight is still winnable. I can get better. For my second, I wanted something to represent the next stage of my journey, but fun too. I chose the Oingo Boingo smoking skull logo, with lyrics meant to inspire me to not just get better, but to start enjoying life.

Yesterday, I worked hard to be happy. Cleaned, organized, and had the most positive attitude. By 7pm, I was drained. I had no more joy to exude. Today, I am still emotionally exhausted.
#CheckInWithMe #BPD #Tattoo #boingo #exhausted