bpolar

It's been too long since the last time I remember myself as being "ME"
Don't know how every year I find myself feeling this way during the same time in the year(of course winter) I never really like this season so I guess it's makes sense in a way.
I ask myself a lot of questions cause I have too much free time but it's not really helping the opposite will be the true.
When did I lost the way?!
Was it when I got raped as a kid by 2 men (not together like it matter) I don't even know to say how many times it happened I know for sure it was more than once each.
One of them were my neighbor who had 2 little sisters, in that time I really loved children and anyway our moms were friends so I found myself going there to play with them
I Don't remember specific details of it and I feel bad about it and start doubting if it ever happend.
Part of my is happy for that cause maybe my situation would be harder, the other part feels not a whole like there's something missing.
About the other "case" I know for sure it happened even though I don't have all the details in my head.
This one also lived few blocks from me.
What's connecting between the two is the that both of them took advantage of the fact that I liked children. I guess I don't like them anymore like I used to thanks to that.
I had to live with this thing by MYSELF
No one in my family knew till I was 23
I didn't share it cause I have religious family.
Didn't thought they will understand especially my Dad he is so strict and hard person.
Me and him don't get along at all.