Sadness

When you think that your counselor seems cannot help you with your depression and anxiety, since they might never feel how hard it is to live in such depressing moment every single day.

Where life is too much to handle, started with financially shortage, stressful day because no one cannot understand the way your brain works, and the fear of talking with any one, the overload worries because you just cannot control it.

I want to try to start my life with wake up happy and be productive, but this thing called anxiety always gets in the way.

And everytime I tried to counsel this in my therapy session they only gave me the big question -- "why are you afraid?"

if I had already known the answer, i would not have a session in the first place.

I just cannot control it. That is why.

Especially when I need a job right now, I just cannot think anything good but a failure. I even have not yet applied to anything.

Just need some nerve soothing to ease the pain.

It's been a bad day. My #Depression is bad right now. There's a local leather bar in my town and it's just outside my ability to walk there but I don't have transportation to get there either. They had a big event this weekend and I couldn't get to it. I don't have connections in my community like I used to.

Years ago I was in a puppy competition and it was wonderful but after I lost I basically was forgotten. It's a big popularity schtick. If you're not hyper sexual and in the winners circle you don't exist. So I'm a nobody. Just a trans puppy in a cis community and I don't fit in.

I need new friends but I can't get out to make new friends. It's a shit sandwich.

I didn't have any spoons to clean. I did a lot yesterday and the day before yesterday. I'm gonna try again tomorrow. I've just got my dining room and vacuuming to do. I am trying to be kind to myself and learn to be gentle with when I'm struggling.

#Depression #Sadness #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe

I had another ptsd nightmare that really messed with my head. Breathing exercises didn't work, I've got this heaviness in my chest... IT HURTS SO MUCH!! #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticAbuse #Sadness #CPTSD

Thanks be to God that I was blessed with the energy to cook a solid meal for the first time in a couple of days. Scrambled eggs with olive oil, turmeric, sea salt, pepper, garlic powder, and rosemary; snap pea chips and white toast with sweet potato butter. It needs some work and may not look the best, but it was pretty tasty. Listening to music while cooking also really helped.

I’ve not felt the best in a minute, and my faith has suffered and weakened these past few weeks. I worked my first job recently for three days before my anxiety prevented me from holding it down. In a restaurant, too, to beat it all. All the while, I was struggling spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. It’s only slid further downhill from there. I haven’t read my Bible in a while either because I’m scared of what I might come across, and I haven’t been good at following its teachings in years.

I’m no good at self-care, but I’m trying to prioritize it more today. I went outside yesterday and sat in the shade while listening to music. It sounds hokey, but it made me feel a little better. I started picking up my room, as it was cluttered. I made my bed today and put some stuff away. I still need to do dishes and laundry and clean my drain. That’ll come soon, hopefully.

How do you engage in self-care?

#Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Sadness #Spirituality #Religion #Cooking #Selfcare

April 12 flash flood happened. This whole process has been a nightmare. Vacuuming the flood water then drying the floors with multiple fans. The loud noise from them in conjunction with trying to hear yourself or anything. Having to move all furniture and belongings to make space for workers. Hoping all will be done in a timely manner without feeling homeless. Well, I feel homeless... Having to leave and learn a new way of living with another person... Waiting. No update. Now concerned that it's been a month... Attempted just to have a nice dinner with my family and I'm about to pass out. Shakes and can't walk without help.... Was having a good talk with my daughter then the room was turning black. Started feeling shaky and weak...Focusing on my breathing trying to stay conscious... While during this time many attempts to do an interview but having to cancel every time. My body keeps going against me. Now feeling depressed and deep sadness. This was to be for my daughter. Who's already going thru her own shit on top of being homeless. I know she understands and that breaks my heart more. All I need to do is share how wonderful our relationship is and I can't do that. They will follow up, with around me and I greatly appreciate it. However of course I feel bad...
Lupus sucks huge. I generally am in the most positive spirits but this time is just too much. And as much I look ok externally, that's definitely not what's happening internally. And I feel it. ALL of it. I mean I am grateful everything. Really I am. But right now, I can't feel the gratefulness. It's not lifting and I'm ready to cry. I'm hurting too much and I'm not gonna fight it. And the fact that I can't be at home while I'm feeling like this just makes it all even more worse. I just wish for more than a day of feeling good so I can truly enjoy life.
Thank you for reading.
I needed to vent and it's nice I have this safe place to do that. Not just my journal. 🙏
#Depression #Lupus #chroniceverything #Sadness