After 12 years of chronic illness, carcinoid cancer, lupus, Sjogren, victim of child abuse. It’s just too much. Now out of the blue my heart is literally starting to fail.

The smallest things take so much energy. Like showering!

The worst part for me is that my family seems to have become numb to my suffering. It’s been going on so long, that they just don’t have any empathy left, and I feel almost irritation growing in my husband and my children. My blood pressure is so high that even a ten point spike could throw me into a stroke, so I try to stay calm. This is a new condition for me. I’ve had to give up food as I know it. Surprisingly upsetting. I have so few things that I can enjoy, so everything that gets taken away seems like deprivation.

I find myself wishing I just had a normal horrible disease that would bring instant and obvious sympathy instead of this hopeless droning on of deteriorating health. There is no more patience for me and the things I can not do and the person I no longer am. I feel guilty that my children don’t have the mom they would have and my husband had half a wife and seems to be a dry well of emotional support. He tries, but more often then not it turns into him yelling at me about everything I haven’t done to make myself better, like deep down it is my fault. He works hard, keeps our family together, but he’s got nothing in the tank. It makes me wish I would just die and let everyone get on with their lives. I’m ok with it being over. I can’t contribute. I am just a drain. We are all trapped. Them with me. Me with my own body. I am tired. Mentally and physically. I want out.
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