changeishard

So yesterday and today I did a hard thing that I know will be good for me in the long run. I packed up my apartment that I haven't lived in for the last 2 months and permanently moved in with my parents. When the lock down started I was debited. Not because it meant a huge change in my day to day life but because it didn't. During the school year I isolated so much. I got to school far away from friends and family, and the stress and time consumption make it impossible to get out and do anything. I was just finishing up the semester and looking forward to some time to socialize and relax, but that was taken away. I was struggling so hard to get through and get out of my head when the governor told me that was all I could do for the foreseeable future. For the sake of my mental health I decided to stay with my parents until the lock down ended. Looking back, I honestly think that decision has saved my life.

Then I made an even bigger choice to move permanently. So this weekend I went back to my apartment, packed, and moved everything I own. It was a lot more stressful than I thought it should be. I hate moving already and this is the worst time for it. I didn't have help from friends to keep me sane as I boxed up every last possession. I didn't get to visit with my favorite neighbor one last time. I didn't get to take my moving crew out to lunch before we caravaned upstate.

I think the hardest part though was accepting that I was so emotional. I hated that apartment every second that I lived there. I didn't know I could have so many anxiety triggers, from the street noise to the paper thin walls with loud neighbors next door. Some nights I just cried because I felt so alone and overwhelmed. But then when it came time to pack up and leave I felt like crying and I didn't know why. I didn't know how to tell my mom I needed a minute before we pulled away or how to tell my dad I was upset that he drive away while I was still cleaning. I felt awful even though I know I'm making the right choice for myself and my mental health. Looking back I know that good change is still change, and change is hard. I just wish it wasn't. It makes me feel so weak when everything is a trigger, and sometimes I can't tell what parts of my mental health to accept and what I need to change. Is this a time for self-compassion, or for reflection and improvement?

We'll, if you made it this far through my ramblings, I appreciate you. It was quite a journey.

#changeishard #Anxiety #Depression #quarantinelife

Too many changes going on. In three years my siblings have moved to different states (really close), I lost my bosses in a plane crash, best friend and co-parent due to unexpected health issues, my aunt from Parkinson’s, and my grandmother. Amongst all this I lost the one job that would put up with my health, admitted and accepted my disability, and moved. My baby brother just finished moving two states away and now I feel fuzzy, disconnected. I’m depressed and yet not. it’s like I’m floating loose, not connected to anything, not really feeling anything. I hate this. I don’t know how to fix it, and I can’t find enough emotion within me to care. Typing this, I wonder if I shut it all out because it’s all too much. How do you fight your own brain? #Depression #Grief #Loss #EmotionalHealth #MentalHealth #changeishard

I start my new job in a month. I’m excited but this also translates into nervous and anxious. It’s a wonderful opportunity. It’s also a challenge to try and balance my family life. Also, it will be a second shift position! So that means opposite schedules for hubs and me! How will I balance my kids needs? They are tweens. These emotions seem to coexist for me. Today I’m baking to try and cope. Release some nervous energy. So many changes have been going on for us. We moved 9 hours from where we grew up. We both have new jobs. We have no family close by. I could go on. #BipolarDisorder

I hate when the school schedule is messed up due to things like testing. I know In my heart it is fine but the rest of me gets upset and cranky #AspergersSyndrome #Aspergers #Autism #changeishard

#changeishard . 1st time posting, just to check in, might make it through today, might not. At 52 yrso & now knowing that I can never escape being ME, & therapy & meds only temporarily distract/disguise/chemically-alter ME, I just can't do this anymore. I just be IN this "fake-whatever" life anymore. On the brink of . . . something.
#CheckInWithMe

I feel like a lot of people stay in bad situations because they're afraid of change. They expect things to always happen in the worst possible scenario but it is rarely ever the case #changeisntwrong But I can say from my point of view that it is precisely change that helped me so people, if you're in a bad situation changing is the best way to go. Kids like me afraid to speak up. This needs to change