loss

This Friday will be the fourth anniversary of my mother's passing. A blessing in disguise through a multi-layered experience of long, painful grief. Six years since I saw your face; my memory of you becomes hazy. I cried in pain, grieving the woman who tormented me in small, methodical ways. I cried in sorrow for the mother I should've had. The extreme highs and lows of the experience taught me who not to be. To understand that even a parent is complex, can have good and bad experiences, and make life-altering decisions for better or worse.

But make no mistake, my father is the monster. He took her and my childhood away from me. I forgive my mother for surviving; I will never forgive my father.

#Grief #Loss #thehealingprocess

Nothing in life is permanent. Starting anew with hope when everything is taken away or destroyed. Spontaneous combustion was the first suspect and although that’s not the case it sure does sum up the experience so far Something very profound is happening as we regain our sense of self, identity, home, stability and strength. It’s leaving survival mode and returning to ourselves inside our hearts and connections to others. It’s a new normal we’re building and learning as we go. But what I know is communication and connection isn’t possible when you are in survival mode. My energy is shifting and the ability to listen, learn, and communicate have somewhat returned. It’s been a drag. Too much self imposed anxiety and preoccupation with the actual fire and not enough on the now. But I guess that’s the healing process. Little by little. Sometimes alone sometimes with guidance. I’m grateful and everyday I pray for the grace of God to live in my soul and guide me. and all of the angels, saints, and deceased. Especially my mom who died on Easter. (🤭so Italian to pray to the masses)#housefire #Grief #Loss #MentalHealth #ADHD #Pain #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

I lost them to "God".

I lost them to alcoholism. And then I lost them to the grift that is AA and Alanon.

I lost them to "The Secret", manifesting emptiness and more grifting.

I lost them to crystals, outdated planetary positions, forgotten signs in favor of trends, and "healing light".

I lost them to sickness and death because they didn't believe in science.

I lost them to racism.

I lost them to MAGA

I lost them to Capitalism, Patriarchy and the status quo.

I lost them to Zionism.

Sickness and Death are normal and as humans we learn to cope with the natural losses life brings.

Losing someone to harmful propaganda is like being surrounded by zombies capable of making one choice: to sacrifice their empathy and critical thinking just so they, as an individual living in a human society, can FEEL good regardless (and in some cases in spite of) of how it affects others.

I'm so tired of grieving the loss of other people's empathy, the demise of critical thinking and basic humanity around me.

#Loss #CPTSD #Grief #emotionalprose #Reflections

Over the course of my life, I have had to welcome in one of my harsh truths, one which serves to shatter my every waking moment. Throughout time, I have hopelessly searched for my sense of belonging in a world not of my own only to be met with silence, unreturned. I remain hopeless in my search, growing more tired as time passes me by. Maybe I was never meant for anything more, other than loneliness in a world I could never really call my own. So is it really even possible for me to be found where I don't even belong. Furthermore, being in college, surrounded by those who seem to have that which I crave so desperately, close friends and a love I have yet to experience, only serves as a constant reminder that I am not good enough to be seen or chosen. So, I distance myself from any possibility of my dreams coming into fruition so as to protect myself from that which i believe to be inevitable. Either everyone leaves or they don't give me a reason to stay. Is there no end to this madness? I guess we will never really know.

#lonewolf #Loneliness #Isolation #tired #Love #Loss #heartbreak