loss

soiwasthinking.blog/2018/11/06/the-guilt-of-surviving-suicide

Hi everyone! I often read posts on The Mighty and appreciate them all, but I don't often actively interact or post my own stories. Today I'm, for the first time feeling so hopeless and helpless that I'm thinking that not existing at all is a serious option. While I've denied having passive suicidal ideations, I'm pretty sure that is what I'm experiencing. I've dealt pretty effectively with all the things that get me down, but today...as I contemplate my extreme financial strains, lack of an in-person support network, facing my rent going up, and wondering how in the world I'm going to take care of needed car repairs, having enough food (since my benefits were cut from $280 to $71 per month), and dealing with extreme feelings of isolation...I'm for the first time thinking ceasing to exist is an option. And I'm scared. I'm sixty-eight years old, barely living on SS income, and feeling completely isolated and alone...and I just don't know how to handle it.

I've been prescribed an antidepressant, which I will begin taking today...but that isn't helping my feelings of desperation and anger that our systems are so broken, or that there is little help for so many of us. Trying to deal with the red tape and confusing process to apply for subsidized housing...and then seeing just how long it may take to get anywhere with that...with extensive waitlist times and how overwhelmed the system is, is just adding to my current state of not knowing what to do, or how much longer I can keep up any semblance of a happy face or keep my anger and frustration from spilling over into every aspect of my life.

I've even been considering admitting myself into a hospital for help to get me through this...but that is a bit horrifying all by itself. What does one do when help seems so out of reach and so complicated to acquire? I'm seeing a psychiatrist...which is helpful, and my medication doctor (who I have to go through for medication help) seems coldly distant and often unhelpful...which doesn't deal with or help my daily feelings of hopelessness and helplessness when I'm by myself and alone with my thoughts and frustrations. Any advice from the community will be much appreciated.#Depression #Anxiety #hopelessness #helplessness #Sleep #Loss #Isolation #Pain

Thank you!

Mary

Hi I'm Jessica and I'm here to have a community that can truly understand what it's like and to share my story so others know their not alone, even when we feel like we are. #TheMighty #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #PanicDisorder #Grief #Loss #Survivor #Migraine

Hello, I need to vent and idk maybe someone else can relate. I lost my best friend in fall of 2020. We hadn’t spoke to one another in 2.5 years when she passed away. We had been extremely close and best friends for nearly 25 years. She was like a sister to me, I loved her, her daughter, and her entire family. Unfortunately, her addiction became so severe that I had no other option but to cut her out of my life until she admitted she had a problem and got some help. The last time I talked to her, I told her to contact me when she gets help and I hung up the phone. This is a person in my life that I shared the most genuine laughs with, we shared nearly everything with one another. I considered her family to be a second family to me. Well, the entire family was not aware of her severe addiction. So, my BFF told her family that our falling out had to do with me. She blamed me for everything. Her family has stopped all communication with me. My BFF had asked me numerous times to be there for her daughter if anything ever happened to her. Well, this isn’t possible now. The family is upset with me and wants nothing to do with me. It feels as though I am being blamed for her unhappiness in life prior to her passing. Every day I think of her, every day I miss her, I want her family to understand but I am not willing to discuss her addiction with them as they are not willing to accept that is what caused her death. She was an everyday IV Heroin addict. She suffered multiple blood infections and over time her heart shut down. She had open heart surgery and the doctors warned her that she could not use after surgery or she could die. Well, she used and she ended up having a massive stroke and died at the hospital surrounded by family. She had track marks all over her body and how her family “wasn’t aware” of her addiction, I’ll never know. She lived with her Mom and her daughter. I carry guilt for not saying anything to her family about her addiction. However, the last time I mentioned anything to her family about being concerned I was ousted, made fun of, and accused of lying. So, I let it go. It feels like I am in hell some days because of how I feel regarding losing her and everyone in the family. Yes, I have my own family but life is not the same and it never will be again. The roller coaster of emotion and the pain of sadness is very real and I do not wish it upon my worst enemy. Anyway, again, I needed to vent is all. Thank you for reading this if you’ve made it this far. #Grief #Addiction #Loss

My abuser was found guilty and sent to prison to await sentencing. My abuser was a family member and quite honestly I don't know how to feel at the moment. People tell me I should be happy he's gone and got what he deserved and that I should be proud of myself for confronting him during trial. While I am proud of myself for being brave and not giving up when I easily could have, after 4 years of waiting for a trial it's finally done. I cried for the past 2 days. I keep telling myself I don't love or miss him but I still feel like I lost something. There will never be a chance to talk to him, to try and understand why he did what he did. I won't attend sentencing because I am too tired of the legal process. Yet if I don't go I will never see him again. He will most likely die in prison. Other family members have sent me threatening messages such as saying they hope I kill myself. I was scared that this person would find me but luckily they did not. My #PTSD symptoms are somewhat reduced now that it's over but I'm still a bit shook up. Honestly I don't know how to feel right now. I'm not angry I know that. I just don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know if this is normal or not. Luckily I can start therapy again so that will help a lot. I'm just so tired. How do you move on from something like this?

#SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Grief #Loss #confused #Healing