I just watched or I was just in the middle of watching this documentary film about Borderlines. Halfway through it my fucked up feelings about myself (I saw myself described by the drs...& I saw myself in the individuals that were sharing who they were) bubbled to the surface so I stopped the movie. Then I just started to BAWL. I can still feel the leftover tears when I blink my eyes as I am writing this. IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT TRAUMA FROM MY PARENTS CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING WORSE. I’m beginning to have dreams ..vivid dreams where I wake up punching my pillows because in the dream I’m defending myself from my Mom. I’ve never experienced that before. I was an adult in this dream. Not a kid anymore. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why I had this dream. My back story is that I was horribly physically abused from about 2-12 years of age. I was sexually abused the first time at the age of 12 it went on to happen with 2 other men.(my moms boyfriends...the first by my uncle.) I was also raped by a classmate in high school. Because I had nowhere to stay when my Mom wouldn’t let me back in the house after I had runaway for like the 6th time. I think it was more than one guy ...I can’t quite remember. Then raped by an acquaintance in my 20’s. He sent a big bouquet of flowers to my job the next day. Yeah that really happened. What the fuck man ...emptiness is so much better than feeling . I really want to#Selfharm in a major way.
#NoFeels #Incestsurvior #PTSD #Anxiety #AdolescentSexualTrauma #rapesurvivor #ChildhoodPhysicalAbuseSurvivor #BipolarDisorder #Pleasecheckinwithme