Pleasecheckinwithme

I just watched or I was just in the middle of watching this documentary film about Borderlines. Halfway through it my fucked up feelings about myself (I saw myself described by the drs...& I saw myself in the individuals that were sharing who they were) bubbled to the surface so I stopped the movie. Then I just started to BAWL. I can still feel the leftover tears when I blink my eyes as I am writing this. IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT TRAUMA FROM MY PARENTS CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING WORSE. I’m beginning to have dreams ..vivid dreams where I wake up punching my pillows because in the dream I’m defending myself from my Mom. I’ve never experienced that before. I was an adult in this dream. Not a kid anymore. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why I had this dream. My back story is that I was horribly physically abused from about 2-12 years of age. I was sexually abused the first time at the age of 12 it went on to happen with 2 other men.(my moms boyfriends...the first by my uncle.) I was also raped by a classmate in high school. Because I had nowhere to stay when my Mom wouldn’t let me back in the house after I had runaway for like the 6th time. I think it was more than one guy ...I can’t quite remember. Then raped by an acquaintance in my 20’s. He sent a big bouquet of flowers to my job the next day. Yeah that really happened. What the fuck man ...emptiness is so much better than feeling . I really want to#Selfharm in a major way.
#NoFeels #Incestsurvior #PTSD #Anxiety #AdolescentSexualTrauma #rapesurvivor #ChildhoodPhysicalAbuseSurvivor #BipolarDisorder #Pleasecheckinwithme

This week I made the bold and difficult decision to go no-contact with my narcisstic father and my narcisstic trait bearing enabler mother. After 22 years of being beaten down, broken, manipulated, dragged down and kept quiet.. I am able to face the reality that I was abused all my life. It only took me being beaten to near death for me to make this decision, but I've made it.

After the decision I felt strength like I've never known. I felt empowered. it didnt last long at all. Now I am suffering. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. My state of mind is suffering so much from this decision. After accepting the abuse for what it is, I get bombarded now by flashbacks and little memories that I covered up as normal when I was a kid. I see them for the abusive moments they are now, and its destroying me. I am watching my whole childhood unravel into a whirlwind of shame abuse and neglect.

With all this going on you can guess I'm in a terrible headspace. I cant eat, sleep or relax. I now have PTSD from the attack, and am left helpless when it comes to caring for my Young children. I feel like I've lost human function. I see my therapist tomorrow, but after a good week of this pain I'm wanting advice or direction sooner then later.

Any advice to help me with this decision, or ways to cope that can benefit both myself and my children I am all ears for. thank you for anyone who does check in with me, I appreciate being accepted and acknowledged for a change.