Im going through chemo for a rare fast growing cancer, the doctor can’t assure me of a cure although he says it’s looking better than he expected. I have a wonderful team of oncology practitioners but I know they just absolutely can’t understand how angry I am and what really laws underneath the anger is abject fear. I have childhood trauma that still affects me today at 67. I had a 40 year career as a trauma scrub nurse that I absolutely loved but yet it was difficult at times, ie, staff, not cases!! I have some support but none of my family has been supportive except one son did pay my car insurance...... the truth is I need my car insurance paid every month because I’m retired and I have no savings living off of Social Security. I am 33 years sober and know the value of making a gratitude list every day and I have done so for 33 years in some form or another .....also my spiritual practice supports me. nonetheless I am dealing with lots of fear, lots of anger and when I get angry I use cuss words. I don’t curse at people I cuss at situations. It astounds me though that as wonderful as the staff are they don’t get it that cussing is a form of release, some take it personally and I know I’m not cussing at them! I struggle with how they may see me.....I receive excellent care, I just want my feelings accepted and understood. why do they not have that training?? I received a liter of Celine today and some Decadron so I am feeling better and a little bit more like myself and not as angry..... it’s funny how being dehydrated and nauseous affects me!
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