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#PTSD #ChronicAnxiety #MDD #Fibromyalgia

Had a Dr's appt with my neurologist yesterday, and everything I'm going through my blood pressure when I got there was 180/100 too close to stroke, or heart attack

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I thought I could hold on.

Grief has hit me in many different ways today. Grief for a community I lost. Grief for my grandma who died in 2019. And grief for the person I used to be and will never be again due to an illness many act like I'm faking, it's in my head, or just downright condescending.
My mom texted again to say goodnight. I have not replied. It was a stupid Bitmoji again. It hurts like hell seeing it. My heart feels stomped on.
On top of the emotional pain, the physical pain keeps getting worse daily. It was a little better yesterday and I had hope, a tiny bit of light at the end of tunnel, it was swiftly put out. I was stupid to have hope. Abled body people do not get what it's like to start to have a tiny bit of hope that you're body is going to behave, not be your fucking prison, then it get snatched away. I'm losing hope and I think I should just forget about getting better. I'm back in darkness. I can't be positive or find a silver lining right now. Not with this. I can't even joke about it anymore. It's hell. It's literal hell.
I long to do things and go places. I want to go to the library, I want to go downtown to the library next month for events and things, do pride in June, do the comic con, do things. The harsh reality? I probably won't be able to. I need to accept it. The problem with accepting this is it makes not want to live. This isn't living. This is hell. I hate my body with a fucking passion. It betrayed me more than anyone has in my honest opinion and it's my own fucking body. My mind has betrayed me too. I don't know how to live like this.

How do you fight your own body and mind when you're trapped with it 24/7?

#CheckInWithMe #chonicpain #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #CFS #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Autistic #Autism #Anxiety #ChronicAnxiety #PanicDisorder #ADHD

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This is so hard for me. I am so horrible at advocating for myself due to how horrible I've been treated and how much gaslighting has been done to me over the years by doctors, family, etc.
I usually just smile and bare it and say I'm fine when I'm not.
#CFS #MajorDepression #ChronicAnxiety #Fibromyalgia #Autism #CPTSD #ADHD #PanicDisorder #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness

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Another update #ChronicFatigue #Fibromyalgia #Costochondritis #Fainting

I went to the ER last Friday. I fainted twice Thursday night, probably hit my head on the heater and it was also vinyl hardwood. Roommate said the fridge was pulled out, I was trying to get a drink. When I sat up, the trash can was pushed back a couple feet. The ER did a CT scan, it was clean. All tests were. I got Tylenol and an Ativan because I was scared with the CT scan and hospitals are extremely triggering. They did prescribe anything. They did not look at that back of my head even though it hurt like hell. They didn't even check my eyes. The headache only let up yesterday. I know this may be POTS or something. They want me to wear a heart monitor as well.
Monday, the doctors appointment was telehealth and I don't drive and the local disability bus is having more delays and with how sick I've been it's impossible. She refused to listen tho. She refused to listen about what wasn't working. She told me to go back to the ED. I said something similar to this: I seriously was debating ending my life due to pain and the treatment I've been receiving. Got cut off here and was told: are you threatening suicide? I will call the cops.
I said no. I'm safe. I have a lot of things going on. She also didn't mention any of the ED notes or anything I told the nurse, the appointment was about 5min.
My psychiatrists medical assistant was confused as to how that was a threat. I also fired my counselor yesterday due to him on Monday flat out ignoring a trigger then saying he only does 12 sessions but gave me more. Sunday had stuff happen too but I don't want to get into it.
It's been trainwreck after trainwreck going on two weeks now. Mom, dad and brother also have covid. I don't live with them or am near them.
#SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #MajorDepression #ChronicAnxiety #CPTSD #Autism #ChronicPain #help #PanicDisorder #MedicalTrauma

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Financial issues during Disability claim

How do others manage the financial issues while you work on your disability claim? I've tried every service in my area and most of them aren't even excepting people at all besides for a waiting list. Some of us don't have family and friends to rely on which it seems like nearly all programs assume you have some help from family. You know how triggering that is when your family hates you for being the black sheep of the family!! 😡😰 I know there are plenty more people like me without a support system. How are we supposed to be able to help ourselves when the system is stacked against us. #DisabilityBenefits #disabilityclaim #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ChronicPain #ChronicDepression #ChronicAnxiety

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Did go out with friend, #Depression hitting again

Home again. Exhausted. #Fibromyalgia is acting up and I have a persistent UTI or something acting up that doctor wanted to wait to prescribe me anything more. Been to urgent care twice.
#Depression and #Anxiety started while out with friend, just a slow mummur in the background. Than brain fog. Than anxiousness. Now I'm in bed exhausted and my emotions are everywhere. I feel crazy and stupid. I'm trying to stay calm and not #Selfharm or do anything stupid.
I just feel as if I'm a failure. My brain and body is already throwing a fit. I want to cry. Why can't I be free of this? I really am spiraling fast. Suicidal thoughts are kinda acting up. Kinda. I won't do anything

#ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #PTSD #ChronicAnxiety #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth

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Work in progress 🫣☘️

I'm a mess. But I think that's ok. Turning 54 on the 1/8/22. I feel so old. I feel like an 84 rear old. It's just a number. #DegenerativeDiscDisease #ChronicDepression #ChronicAnxiety #Psoriasis #nodularprurigo #OCD #MentalHealth #Arthritis


Starting therapy

I decided to start therapy again for my anxiety and depression and my recent grief over my father. I'm a little nervous over it. I'm afraid I'm going to sabotage myself and not go. #Therapy
#Grief #Loss

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#BPD #Depression #ChronicAnxiety and Child Welfare taking my kids away

My boys are a lot older than the ones in the photo but I chose that one firstly because it’s my favourite and second because it was during the happiest period of our lives.

We’ve always been tight the four of us. Through thick and thin we weathered it all together with smiles, laughter and love. We didn’t have it easy but I tried to make sure they didn’t want for anything and never suffer. In spite of the challenges I loved every moment I spent with my babies. I love my babies period. Life was hard but we were happy.

Until now.

Last February I attempted to commit suicide. I’ve been on a decline over the last couple of years, sought help from mental health professionals. Voluntarily went into a psych ward for a while. I thought everything would be fine once I got out, not knowing the evil that was awaiting me back home. My boyfriend. Ex boyfriend now. Regarding him, suffice to say bipolar, alcoholic and dependent. Also beat me up when he got really, really drunk. After several visits to jail cells he got the message and stopped beating me and sought out other means of abuse. Add this to being suddenly diagnosed with #BPD as an adult, depression and anxiety. The daily challenge of raising autistic children. I snapped. Next thing I know I wake up two days later in the same psych ward I was before talking to a judge who’s asking me if I regret what I did. Automatically I said yes without knowing why. It was like I was there but I wasn’t. I was attended by the same psychiatrist that attended me the first time I was there. It all seemed surreal. I was supposed to be dead! Turns out my ex boyfriend called for an ambulance risking being caught, a judge issued a permanent restraining order against him in my favour after the last time he beat me up.

Child welfare took my kids the next day and I haven’t had them home since. I only get to see them 1 hour a week. At first I was told by Child welfare that I should go get therapy and in a matter of months I’ll get my kids back. Halfway through my therapy they tell me that my kids will remain under their charge for an extended period of 2 years. This brought me straight to the psych ward emergency room. Major panic attack. Two hours of crying in literal pain as if my heart was being crushed. I was freaking out over the whole thing but also about the fact that I have never cried like that in my life.

I still continue to go to therapy. Which is actually a group therapy. I’m an empath. Anyone who is too will understand how awful the experience is. Anyone who is not I’ll explain it to you briefly, I absorb the emotions of those around when caught off guard or when I am at my weakest. I have to constantly keep a tough wall around me to somehow detach myself from all the external emotions. But being in the fragile state that I am now you’ll understand that I’m not doing it well lately. I can’t tell you the number of times I had to run out of the room because I couldn’t breathe.

I spend my weekends rolled up into a ball in my bed crying. Missing my babies like crazy. Only to get up Monday to go through the week of therapy and visits with my children all over again. The visits by tthe way are bittersweet. I’m excited to see them, hug and kiss them as much as I can in my allotted hour, when time’s up, my insides are all tied up and I start to cry unconsciously.

Somebody said, this too will pass.


I need help.

Hello, everyone. I hope you all are doing good.
This is a long post but please read it if you can.
I've been inactive here for more than a year now. Due to my mental illness, I was not able to keep up with things. Personally, and Socially. I need some advice and if anyone could help, that woul be great.
I have completed my graduation and I'm about to complete B.Ed (Bachelor of Education), this is a degree that you need to have in order to go into the academic field. I want to become a professor. On fourth of July I'll complete my B.Ed and then I'll be eligible to teach in school upto class 8th as I have done only undergraduation and not postgraduation. After completing undergraduation and B.Ed, one is eligible to teach in schools upto class 8th in India, and if you have completed your postgraduation, then you're eligible to teach upto class 12th.
But the thing is I want to be a college teacher (a professor) and for that I have to do M.A. (postgraduation) and then clear NET (National Eligibility Test) and after that I'll be eligible to teach in colleges. But I have to give an entrance exam to study M.A. and I was not able to prepare for it at all due to my increasing mental health issues. And now I've my entrance exam some time in August, most probably. And I can't prepare all of it in such a short duration of time. If I'm not able to clear the entrance exam this time, I want to take a drop year and study for the entrance and then give it again. But my parents are not supporting this decision. They are saying that if I clear my entrance exam this time, then I can study from Delhi. Otherwise, I can study from Raipur, Chhattisgarh. I've done my undergraduation from University of Delhi, and now I want to do my postgraduation from JNU (Jawaharlal Nehru University). Both these universities are the top most universities of India and after having the experience of University of Delhi, I want to get an experience of JNU. I've set my level according to that. And studying from Raipur, Chhattisgarh (where I live currently) is not appealing to me at all. The level of education over here is not as good as Delhi not is the environment.
But my parents want me to get a job as well and their suggestion is that I apply for a job at a school and then do my M.A. simultaneously. But I don't want this. I want to do my M.A. properly, clear NET and then become a professor. My school teachers are also suggesting me to apply for a job at a school.
All this is very confusing. My aim was fixed but due to all this I'm having multiple doubts. This is increasing my mental health issues a lot. I have depression and anxiety disorder and my self-esteem is becoming low day by day. It's getting worse with time and with so much pressure and confusion. If anyone of you can suggest as to what I should do, then please suggest, it would be of great help.
Please tell me from the options below:
1.) I should take a drop year if I don't clear my entrance exam this time. And then give it again next year. (The entrance exam is for University of Delhi and JNU (Jawaharlal Nehru University)
2.) I should apply for a job at a school and then do my M.A. from Raipur, Chhattisgarh.
3.) I should do my M.A. from Raipur, Chhattisgarh. Then clear NET and then apply for a job at a college.
Or any other suggestion that you want to give apart from the ones mentioned above.
Please help me.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #ClinicalDepression #Addiction #GettingHelp #MentalHealthAwareness #Selfharm #InsideTheMighty #ChronicDepression #ChronicAnxiety #ChronicIllness #CognitiveBehaviorTherapy #Therapy #Therapist #Psychiatrist #PTSD #Suicide #Depression #SuicidalThoughts