chronic depression

This is my “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY”; My daughter-38 and older husband and his son to the left. To the right, my Diamond, her daughter, then new daughter in law and son (20). I should say my grandchildren, right. When? I had to begin going behind her back to see my Diamond when she is with her father. Then severe Long CoVid caused Dysautonomia, a big car accident where I got off pretty well- except my vision was damaged even more and Dysautonomia made even worse. I fainted every day for awhile. The 20yr old harmed me last & most 2 weeks after his 18th birthday, just a few days before mine. His mother hugged and consoled me. Made him move out. She didn’t come right back as promised. She went tanning for 4 days on a boat with an ex & still blames me 100%— again!
That beautiful young man I have always loved like my own was raised to hate me once his mom became jealous. He is gone now too. First he cleverly acted to cause me to be deleted from THE family holiday celebration.

My daughter sent me this photo after Thanksgiving. I had to call truce due to a tragedy in a woman’s life. Still, she avoided me entire month to avoid a conversation about Thanksgiving. She made herself Matron of the family. I am the ONLY adult my age (58) or older who’s child didn’t do something for them to honor them for the holiday.

It does not occur to her that all I can see is everyone’s joy as long as I am absent. My mom disowned me for being disabled years and years ago, and my sister left drugs finally to take my place with Mom. She even removed every single picture out of the picture albums shoved them in an empty kids chalk plastic container and gave them to my daughter who left them with her ex. He dumped them on my front porch. Imagine that mind bend!! That was who my holiday anchor was until I was disabled and she uninvited me year after year and then nothing.
Before or maybe not long after the incident with my grandson I directly asked my daughter, “Do I have love and belonging with you?” Her, “What do you mean!!??” I just repeated it palms up. Her, “I don’t know what to say. This feels like some kind of trick.” she said suspiciously. I was aghast. I was on the verge of tears and turning around, “No Blank. It is just that. I want to know if I have love and belonging with you.” And she answered me plainly. “Then No. You don’t.” This has come up and she has never changed it. I suppose I have a relationship because of my Diamond girl and maybe because she reaches out to me and says she loves me because I’m always here for her. Nope. Codependency left the building couple years ago. I have even had her on no contact for my sanity and lost the girl.

My depression is so deep I can barely take a breath right now. I want to be loved and to know belonging before I die.
I wake in #Pain everyday. My fourth CoVid caused my #longcovid to go Primal on me. BA.5 is not like the rest, honest. I finally turned to my alternative Dr herbal Chinese Medicine. I have a Master’s in Nursing and know know know that Western medicine might be covered but is also prescribing black label medications for chronic pain without the deep discussion patients deserve. My own mother in law suffered a stroke as a result of this. They added a black box label, but who explains that it even tells people? See-I’m so #angry . So I gotta pay $$$ out of Disability and $$ monthly for livability. From disability have a tea special made for me 3 times a day that controls my chronic pain enough to move in the house and such. It’s great. Still NO ONE understands that #ChronicPain or weakness, or just can’t either. Major #Depression is when I start to cry. Severe Depression is when I stop crying. Sometimes I start thinking and sometimes I stop. It is much scarier if I start. Pain is tolerable, #suffering is not, and #chronicsuffering is the most brutal of all.
This Grief I bear, of having NEVER had #belonging once I was also #Abandoned by my poor child that I gave all my limited resources to, I died inside. I substantially failed and raised a daughter who is compassion and empathy challenged. I don’t remember being taught to call my grandparents. I didn’t teach my daughter to. My mom is brutal. Oddly, my daughter repeats her and has barely known her?
My last straw today is a roommate who played the second mom, daughter who loves you, won’t abandon you card. I didn’t buy it. It’s talk. But I thought she could at least be a civil roommate. She walks in and out of the place without a word. Just jumps on that ABANDONED button as hard as she can! Profanity to the Nines! #Profanity #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #Grief #longcovid #disposable

I tried. I don’t have words for what’s happening inside me. This is like Anticipatory grief of a hospice patient you know is gonna pass but we keep holding on and loving them just the same. It all makes the body even harder to manage. Thank you, whoever you are.

Hey everyone, just wanted to make a check-in post. How are you doing today? Did your day stay good or bad? If bad, what’s something you can do to turn it around. Remember, you can’t go back to change a start, but you can change the end.

My day has been okay, woke up late which is weird for me. I’m usually up at 5-6am but my sons birthday party was yesterday and I think all my energy is gone from that 😂. Was a little late to start work today (I work from home). Got a call from my boss at 9am asking if I was alive cause I usually send him emails early lol and he woke me up. I told him my apologies, I slept in a think and he just laughed and said I needed an actual vacation so I can get caught up on rest (he knows I don’t ever take vacation, I’m serious about my job and my work).

Safe to say, I love my job, and I can’t imagine others with horrible jobs that would get fired over a day of sleeping in. But, I guess I get poked fun at instead cause im a damn good worker and it doesn’t matter cause I get my work done. But it does matter, you don’t want to create bad habits. I think the start of a day is was sets the entire day mentally and physically.

If you’re having a bad day, whether it’s like me and you woke up late, or maybe you don’t have the money to pay an important bill that’s worrying you, or just anything that would make your day bad for you, just remember that you create your own ending.

Always remind yourself of the good in this small world and remember that you’re worth the life that you live.

Quote: “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”
-George Addair

#MentalHealth
#Depression
#BipolarDepression
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#Anxiety
#ADHD
#ChronicDepression
#Migraine

Check out “Invisibly Illin” on YouTube. Spreading awareness and support those who suffer with an invisible illness #hypermobileehlers-DanlosSyndrome(hEDS) #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #InvisibleIllness #ChronicIllness #ChronicDepression

Hey everyone, I’m sure most of you know kind of what I’m going through right now. I’m missing someone, a lot, and while it hurts and all I want is to hear from her, I can accept the fact that my chance may come no more. As the reality of accepting that I may not hear from her again becomes vague, I still hold onto hope and that time has special things in store for me. This is probably going to be a long post, so buckle up.

I spoke to someone today who doesn’t seem to have hope about meeting someone because of certain conditions. I took sometime today on my drive home from my sons field trip to think about that person and put it into perspective all of the other people who feel this way.

The Loneliness Curse.

PART 1 - Missing Somone (Physically, Emotionally, or Both):
Loneliness can come in many different forms and the ways it shows itself to each and every one of us individually is extremely broad, complex, sudden, and in some cases detrimental to our health, whether it be physically, emotionally, or both. When loneliness hits, oh boy does it hit.

This post is for everyone on Mighty. I guarantee there’s not 1 single person who has not suffered the curse of loneliness.

Loneliness can happen to someone in a relationship, couples, someone alone, someone with a large family, a small family, a homeless person on the street, the rich, the famous, people living in 1st-3rd world countries, a pet, it can happen to anyone and everyone.

You can be in a relationship with someone you think you’re extremely close with and still feel lonely. We have our ways as individual humans that make our receptors turn and that’s what gives us connections that fill the void of where loneliness comes from.

Quote 1:
“Sometimes I just wish you were here so I could tell you how much I need you and how hard every day has been without you.”
-Nick (me)

The quote you just read, how do you interpret quote 1? I interpret it as someone missing someone who is no longer there, but that doesn’t necessarily mean physically, it could be someone who isn’t there emotionally as well.

You can miss someone who is always with you, you can miss someone who is gone physically, you can miss someone who you’ve never met, you can miss someone you just met, and you can miss someone you’ve never had. You can miss having someone around in the past and not having someone now. There are many, many ways you can miss someone.

Missing someone (even just a person around you in general) hurts, it hurts deep. This is what I think is the most common form of loneliness.

PART 2 - Being Alone:
Being alone is a type of loneliness that I think coexist with missing someone, but I’m going to make it a part/topic of this post.

The person I spoke to today, they feel as if they’ll be alone forever. For me to think about that, it’s really sad. I tend to rely on a single person (communicate, vent, tell my feelings, laugh, and love). And right now, I do not have that, I’m alone so I can get a glimpse of the feelings this person is feeling, but I cannot imagine that feeling in the extent of being alone for a long period of time that I get thoughts of losing hope on ever finding someone.

I can’t possibly imagine a fraction of that feeling this person is feeling, I have hope for them, I honestly feel like there is someone out there for everyone.

I hope and pray this person (and any of you who feel this way) finds their person and can be genuinely happy. I do not think someone should have to live lonely, every human needs interaction and to think there are tons of people who don’t get that, I’m sad for them. Everyone deserves someone.

Quote 2 - A Loneliness Poem:
“To care, but not being cared for..
To love, but not being loved..
To laugh, but not sharing the laughter...
To shine, but not sharing the light...
To give, but not being given to...
To ache, but not being ached for...
This is the curse of being alone -
To be thrown by stone..”
-Jacqui Broad

Bring alone, the curse of loneliness I can imagine is twice as bad. You get the emotional loneliness and the physical loneliness.

PART 3 (FINAL PART) - How To Get Out of The Loneliness Curse:
This part, I’m going to try and communicate this for everyone to be able to interpret and take something from it.

I’m only speaking from my personal experiences and what I’ve been through and using my judgement to help people heal through life.

I once was a shy person, all the way till about 22 years old (I’m now 30). After going into the military and learning how to communicate effectively, I’ve since grown out of the shy stage in my life and I’m a mix of an introvert and extrovert.

-COMMUNICATION-
I think the best way for people to get out of loneliness is to talk, communicate, be friendly, be loving, be involved in conversations, and put yourself out there whether online or in-person. But, I feel in-person conversations help stimulate the brain a different way than online because it makes us communicate in ways that tell a story. Humans use hands to communicate, we move our body when we talk to a person in front of us, we’re using our brains more to talk to someone in-person rather than talking to someone online.

-MENTALITY-
I think learning habits to heal yourself mentally helps more than anything. Mental health is the most complex thing about humans and if you can learn to heal yourself mentally, learn better thought processes, and train our brain to put the positive in front of the negative, then you’ll get an idea of the importance this has on our mentality as well as loneliness.

I struggled with having negative thoughts for years, and years, AND YEARS. It was eating me alive and I couldn’t function properly. I was messed up bad for years. It took a long time to learn how to think clearly and to take time to process information and learn where to file information I receive in my brain.

I think learning how to dispose of negative thoughts in place of positive ones is one of the hardest things a human brain can do. It’s something you have to do consciously, and also, subconsciously. The subconscious part of that is the worst and hardest part. It’s something you literally can not just flip a switch like in our conscious minds. It’s the background process, it’s the part you have to train your brain to do over a long period of time. And when you get it down, you won’t even know it till a few years later when you sit down to think about life.

Quote 3:
“.... she had come long ago to understand that loneliness was the curse of those who were free, even of all those who rose a little above the level of ordinary humanity.”
-Louis Bromfield

I’ll leave the post with just some personal words:
I’m still young, I’m 30 years old and still learning. I’ve had a pretty messed up life, my childhood was not the best. I worked extremely hard to get where I’m at now. My son will never, ever go through what I had to go through as a child. My motto for life over the last few years that I’ve stuck to is: “Be A Good Person”. Being a good person is not hard, we’re actually born with morals we assign ourselves. But there’s a difference in being a good person and BEING A GOOD PERSON, you know what I mean. There’s a difference in the two.

I’ve wrestled with loneliness my whole life, it comes and goes, but it’s only on vacation when it does go. Right now, I’m lonely. I come here cause it soothes me, I can breathe when I post, I feel good helping other people feel good, that’s what keeps me going.

-End.

If you read this far, thank you! You’re a trooper.

#MentalHealth
#Depression
#BipolarDisorder
#MajorDepression
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#ChronicDepression
#BipolarDepression
#Anxiety
#ADHD
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Addiction
#Relationships
#Love
#sad