Every day for as long as I can remember, I have been battling demons. They go by the names of Fear, Pain, Guilt, Uncertainty – and my battle with these invisible creatures is lonely and exhausting.
I realized recently during a class on Dialectical Behavior Therapy, that although my battle may continue for as long as I’m around to fight it, there are things I can do to get out in front of it. Things that are not terribly comfortable for me:
Being open to connection & vulnerability;
Being strong enough to try & open enough to fail;
Letting go without losing myself;
Staying strong but remaining kind, gracious, humble;
Asking for help;
Walking away but holding it together;
Forgiving, and Forgiving, and Forgiving, and Forgiving. And then Forgiving again.
I’m suddenly beginning to see the world through a new lens and my battle is beginning to feel more like a journey. This battle-journey has brought me clarity; and while I’m not completely there yet, I’m learning. I’m learning about myself - one piece at a time - who I was, who I am, who I am becoming. And for the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to like that person.
Some people aren’t making this battle-journey with me and that’s okay. I’ve made my peace with that. Forgiveness goes a long way toward peace – forgiveness of myself and of others makes the world outside a gentler one, and the world inside a quieter one. This quiet has allowed me to hear the voices of those who truly matter, and to let them drown out the ones who don’t.
So today is good day; but I know tomorrow may not be. And the next month could be amazing or the worst I’ve ever experienced. I know I’ll never be fully rid of my demons because they are a part of who I am and I accept that. However, I know now that they are no longer mine to fight but to navigate - around, and with, and through - on my amazing battle-journey.
Feeling in the way
Feeling completely detached from the situation
I thought we were friends, I was there for you in all your shit times, but as soon as I’m going through my own shit you don’t want anything to do with me.
You no longer talk to me.
It’s all my fault though
I pulled away and distanced myself from everyone while trying to deal with my problems. I don’t ask for help, I really don’t know how too, but now I know because I distanced myself something has changed. You don’t want to know.
Now I feel more alone than ever and it is the perfect fuel for my depression and anxiety. It has made me feel more alone than ever. Thinking that you are talking about me behind my back, laughing at me. I know you probably aren’t but my demons think you are and are slowly trying to convince me that you are so I am pulling away from you even more and more.
I have found that in your eyes I’m replaceable and that I really are not worth any type of friendship.