just sharing a bit whats going on atm
i got diagnosed with BPD very recently and still work my way through understanding myself. its a rocky road but sometimes a bit of a relief too because now my traits are more visible to me and there is a name for all of this. i was really ashamed for a couple of weeks when i got diagnosed because i had such a bad impression of what BPD is. i thought we are bad and evil people with no control and a very wrong perspective on ourselfes and others. now, with the help of my therapist and reading stuff here i begin to understand that i am not crazy or a bad person. i am learning about my traits and how to be more clear about situations when intense feelings like loneliness, anger and random fears come up. i am also recovering from a super unhealthy relationship that was abusive in many ways and now i understand that i do not choose a partner because i want to be with them, its more i need them to feel complete and through them i can finally see who i am. at least that is how it always felt. but now i understand its not healthy and this leads to poor boundaries, codependency issues and deep fears get triggered, also massive anger. but understanding those issues is the first step to learn how to cope in a more healthy way. :) right now with understanding all of this, i feel numb towards my ex (that i so much wanted to marry 3 month ago) but i have this strong feeling that i need a new partner. it is very hard for me to accept that i should not date anyone right now and work on myself. i cant do that when i am involved with someone because then all my traits take control. i am trying to stay away from potential dating but i have no idea how long i can resist. and on top there is that little fear inside of me that one day i will see my ex by chance and might feel massive pain about the loss. i remember clearly that pain i had the first weeks after breaking up. had to take medication to reduce the panic and anxiety. i couldnt move and had panic attacks because there was so much pain. and the anxiety that i am super lonely and empty was really bad. then my ex began to stalk me for 2 month and the pain over the loss went to pain of being abused again and not respected because i learned that stalking has very little to do with love. is anyone out there also struggeling with needing a partner so much? or anyone who also got diagnosed recently? #BPD #Toxic relationship #DBT #Emptiness #Codependency
i just recently got diagnosed with BPD. its super confusing but also a relief because it explains why i was running all my life. always being restless in my work and relationships. i was running from myself because in the core of my personality there is a deep void that was caused by massive childhood trauma (was left alone by both parents and experienced a lot of violence as a kid). and standing still makes me feel the loneliness that comes from this void. it feels like its gonna kill me if i get in touch with that feeling. like really sucking me in or making me go "crazy".
i just broke up my relationship 2 month ago because i had an abusive partner. i just lasted 10 month but in the last two month the pain got worse and i realized that my partner was sexually and mentally abusing me. i dedicated my life to that person and cared a lot (my partner was bipolar, had ocd, anxiety and adhd). but in my partners eyes i failed many times because i somehow tried to keep boundaries. like having an evening for myself (to recover from work and taking care of my partner) was a sign for my partner that i wasnt able to love or care or i was told that i am not good enough and unable to really be in a relationship. i began to understand that i worked on being able to be alone for so many years and now its concidered to be so wrong? as i got deeper into analyzing the relationship and what it did to me the pain got worse and also the fear of losing the relationship. but i tried to take care of myself and broke up. it was the hardest thing to do because i convinced myself it was real love. all my issues came up just after the break up. anxiety, panic, loneliness, emptiness and the inner void became super present, almost killing me. still after 2 month of being out of the relationship i wake up with panic that turns into anxiety just to end up feeling so lost and lonely. every day. i try to put on my shield and mask to be able to work but i feel pushing it away makes it worse. when i come home at night i usually break down and cry until i am so tired that i just fall asleep. in my free time i see my friends to give me that safety feeling, at least for a couple of hours. i so badly want to get rid of the void that is so painful and threatening. just want to run. but now the first time in my life i cant run away because i see so clearly that the void is inside of me and will be with me everywhere. since 2 weeks my ex stopped contacting me and blocked me. my ex was trying to keep me in their life and was trying to convince me that they want me so much...while being on dating platforms. that broke the trust and my heart. i knew then i was right with feeling like everything was just fake with them. i knew then they just want to keep me in line for selfish reasons. i felt how my heart broke and the first time in my life i let myself feel the pain. it goes deep and so far i know already it has nothing to do with the person but with my own story. and now i understand that the pain and the void cant kill me. it goes so intense because i cant regulate my emotions very well and i feel lonely because i have no relationship with myself, if there even is something like a self. today i cried very hard because i realized i miss myself. but i dont know where to find me and how to make me love myself. the one thing that helps to reduce this deep pain and fear is that it seems to be part of the BPD diagnosis. how do you guys with this diagnosis deal with the pain and loneliness? i really need to learn how to cope with these deep feelings.
29.08.2019 (a message sent to a friend):
“I think I suffer from BPD”
16.05.2022 (said by a doctor in person*):
“I’m diagnosing you with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Do you know what that is?”
* = I cannot remember the exact words, but this was the gist of it
BPD is called EUPD here in the UK. I was told this a few months ago when I first started the fight for a diagnosis. I didn’t realise how long I suspected it until the other week, when I found the original message expressing my concern to my best friend.
I didn’t get the opportunity to suggest it to my doctor until I moved away from home. And after that, I had to gain the strength to ask about it. A diagnosis is final. I can’t think it’s something else when I get diagnosed. But, saying “I might have BPD” to explain my difficulties gets tiring. I wanted the certainty, not living under a self-diagnosis.
I have no issues with self-dx, especially since it’s what I had to go by for almost 3 years. However, being self-dx meant that it was just that. There was no certainty, I couldn’t argue if someone said “are you sure?” (thankfully no-one did), I couldn’t get help related to it. And I ultimately just felt uncomfortable.
I wasn’t expecting a diagnosis today. Last time I mentioned it, the doctor didn’t seem keen, saying it could be bipolar disorder instead, among other potentials. Today was just supposed to be an appointment that messed around with my medication and looked at previous contact with the mental health services.
But I twigged about halfway into the appointment. When she started asking the questions. I met the 5 criteria she mentioned, and she didn’t have to mention any others. Even when I said one was probably a trauma response. I guess it was both.
It didn’t make it any less surreal when she said the words though. After 3 years to be told that yes my suspicions were right.
I’m not sure how a diagnosis will change things in terms of help. I thought maybe I would be able to be put on medication to perhaps regulate my mood, but apparently medication isn’t very effective. And I was already put on the waiting list of DBT. I guess we’ll wait and see.
Idk what to do
So, over the last 3ish months I’ve relapsed with selfharm 5-6ish times, the last time being a week ago today. Which was also the morning of my therapy appointment for the week, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her in session so I sent her a message afterwards telling her I relapsed again. And so today was the session after that and of course she brought it up which is fine. But idk she’s normally so good at understanding where I’m coming from and making things relatable, etc. but I kinda feel like we’re speaking different dialects of the same language. It’s like she’s 100% focused on stopping any future relapses, whereas I… don’t really care at this point. Sure there’s this tiny part of me that cares and my therapist wants me to put more focus on the part that does care which I get. But just, I don’t like the way she framed everything and idk how to communicate that to her.
She really is a great therapist, and we’ve worked so well together on other things that like I know this is just a bump in the road, but like, idk what to do. Todays session didn’t go well in my mind and now all I want to do is cancel my next session and stop talking to her about my selfharm altogether. I know that’s not the right way to handle this, but the thought is really tempting right now. I hate complicated emotions and todays session has brought up a lot and I’m honestly just so done.
After a busy morning with the kids and a meeting with my cpn which always drains me talking about my mental health. I felt the burnout after lunch time and my partner picked up the kids all I could do was rest which I constantly beat myself up for. I ate healthy all day and am determined to carry on. I need a way of keeping my energy levels up throughout the day, I hate that when the kids get back I’m always resting. I started on the chore or tidying my daughters room when they got back but could only manage a bit. I made them dinner which is always really rewarding for me to see them sit at the table nicely together and eat a meal I have cooked without any complaining. It’s probably something to do with how my therapist says I see everything with “perfection” glasses on and everything needs to go the way I think it should with the house. I started to get really tired, stressed and agitated which easily can lead to self harm. So I used opposite action and decided to make a really healthy salad to go alongside my dinner. My partner loves to do the cooking as normally I’m dealing with the kids or having to rest about that time. But it was really rewarding and I’m hoping to keep up the healthy eating today and possibly get in the kitchen this evening. Have a very busy day ahead of me today so let’s see how today goes.
I think I may have been a little too honest
What is mindfulness and how does it work for me?
When people think of mindfulness, they think of it as awareness of chewing food slowly or washing dishes without automatic processing but complete awareness. To me, that sounds great but I value automatic actions because my mental health revolves around productivity and balancing it with my mental health.
In fact, I use mindfulness for automatic thoughts or gain insight into my feelings. For example, why do I feel a certain way and exploring the roots of my feelings. Or eventually having the automatic thought that I do not like a way certain person behaves. So, instead of excluding them, I am mindful of what I don't like about them while being curious about the other person's strength. On the other hand, it can shift my thinking and behaviors from expressing "strong dislikes" and express "curiousity" for the person which allows me to build empathy.
How dare you validate me?!
That’s how I feel as my therapist explains how there’s still a version of five year old me inside myself that’s hurt and scared by my fathers angry verbal outbursts. “But I was never hit” “he said worse to my older brothers” “it happened a long time ago it’s not important” all these thoughts and more swirl in my head as she talks. I was the baby girl, the favorite. My older brothers and even my father consistently reminding me how much easier my childhood was compared to theirs. So what right do I have to struggle? Nothing was ever that bad.
My therapist wants me to try taking the mountian of a baby step to accept that my experiences are valid and they were hurtful. But, I can’t? I panick when I think about it and the internal script of invalidating comments just gets louder and louder.