battlewithinmyself

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    I did a Good Scary Thing

    I just did something really good tonight that is something I’ve been anxious about for a long time. It was a terrifying thing, but I did it! I didn’t give into overwhelming fears and run away from it OR give myself the chance to freeze and avoid doing it. I reached out for support and I did the Terrifying Thing!
    Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been drifting along in my life, not really living, but tonight I feel the most alive that I have in a long time, and I’m the most proud of myself that I have been in a really long time. What I did was, in reality, just something small that might not result in what I’m hoping for, but the end result of this isn’t the point. The point is that I’m finally turning around the fight with my anxiety, and I’m starting to do things despite my anxieties. The point is I’m rebuilding my life, and I’m starting to help myself do it. The point is I’m happy and proud of myself right now. The point is my anxiety did not win tonight. This was a small thing that I did, but it was a big step for me.

    #Anxiety #stressed #scared #Depression #fightinganxiety #battlewithinmyself #battlewithanxiety #iamproudofme #Victory

    6 comments
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    too much 😢

    i have been without meds for a month. anxiety has gotten better but the #MajorDepressiveDisorder has been very difficult. i hate when people say that it gets better and that life isn’t always gonna feel like this. and that our emotions come and go. it is like i am in a constant battle with my mind. how do you beat depression ?!!! i don’t want to “manage” life...... i want to enjoy it by LIVING.
    Yes I have a psychiatrist, therapist, and a great support system.
    but seriously this is just 😢
    it is like it just isn’t gonna ever go away
    #Suicide #Depression #Selfharm #battlewithinmyself #CheckInWithMe

    3 comments
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    The Hero and The Villain #battlewithinmyself #Drowning #keepsmiling

    Do you ever feel like you’re losing a battle but you realize you’re the only person on the field.. this is what I struggle with every day. I have loved ones that I know I have to appear as this confident, strong women.. but inside I can’t breathe. I’m so alone within myself that I want to cry on the shoulder of anyone who shows me kindness! When my tears are right on the edge of finally being set free.. I am 100% no one cares even the slightest. I know I have a serious problem.. and when my spouse is constantly saying he doesn’t care how I feel, he can’t relate so don’t try, or it’s my fault for being so insecure.. I feel like I have no right to even seek help. As if.. maybe the problem is me. I am so sooo exhausted of forcing my smiles or playing Miss Comedian and my whole body aches from internal screams. Some days I feel like I’m cured and it was just a phase but then I realize that I’m putting a show for myself. I wish I could just give up, I wish I could ugly cry without being judged, I wish so much.. but I feel like I don’t have that right. I’m just not important enough. I just wonder.. how many lost souls are there in the world.. that feel just like me.

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    Struggling #strugglingtoday #Selfharm #Anxiety #Depression #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #overthinking #HypersensitivityPneumonitis #Disability #Hospital #battlewithinmyself #HowToFightDepression #fightinganxietyeveryday

    Struggling is so hard... I’m not even sure I’m supposed to, yeah? My life is consisted from the battle & hospitals. I hate all this, seriously. Especially, when my therapist said: «Oh, I don’t even know what would I do in your situation»..

    2 comments
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    Anxiety Boxing Match - Lets get it out #trustissues #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Anxiety #worry #battlewithinmyself #GettingItOut #IAmNotAlone #MyAnxietyDoesNotControlMe #IHideNoMore

    There are times when I can live in harmony with my anxiety. And those times are great, when I can “I see what you’re doing but hey that’s cool”

    There are other time when it feels like an all out brawl, like I’m going through a boxing match just to drown out that voice. As much as I know what it’s telling me is wrong and unjustified I still can’t help but worry and get worked up.

    It makes it very difficult for me to trust new people.....family...partners.

    On the days it gets too much I don’t know how to deal with it;
    I go silent or I stutter or I do this hand thing where I tap my fingers to my thumb. And those close to me notice and ask what’s wrong?.....It’s on these days I don’t know how to get past this voice....the voice reminding me how easy I am to crush, the voice that tells me I’m not worthy of love.

    So I’m trying this new thing where I face this and get it out.....I have people that I care so much about and I don’t want to let this push them away like those in the past......it’s time for Round 2.....and I’m determined to face this head on.

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    Demons: My Battle-Journey #demoninsideme #DBT

    Every day for as long as I can remember, I have been battling demons. They go by the names of Fear, Pain, Guilt, Uncertainty – and my battle with these invisible creatures is lonely and exhausting.

    I realized recently during a class on Dialectical Behavior Therapy, that although my battle may continue for as long as I’m around to fight it, there are things I can do to get out in front of it. Things that are not terribly comfortable for me:

    Being open to connection & vulnerability;
    Being strong enough to try & open enough to fail;
    Letting go without losing myself;
    Staying strong but remaining kind, gracious, humble;
    Asking for help;
    Admitting defeat;
    Walking away but holding it together;

    Forgiving, and Forgiving, and Forgiving, and Forgiving. And then Forgiving again.

    I’m suddenly beginning to see the world through a new lens and my battle is beginning to feel more like a journey. This battle-journey has brought me clarity; and while I’m not completely there yet, I’m learning. I’m learning about myself - one piece at a time - who I was, who I am, who I am becoming. And for the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to like that person.

    Some people aren’t making this battle-journey with me and that’s okay. I’ve made my peace with that. Forgiveness goes a long way toward peace – forgiveness of myself and of others makes the world outside a gentler one, and the world inside a quieter one. This quiet has allowed me to hear the voices of those who truly matter, and to let them drown out the ones who don’t.

    So today is good day; but I know tomorrow may not be. And the next month could be amazing or the worst I’ve ever experienced. I know I’ll never be fully rid of my demons because they are a part of who I am and I accept that. However, I know now that they are no longer mine to fight but to navigate - around, and with, and through - on my amazing battle-journey.

    And so far – I think I’m winning the battle, and learning to enjoy the journey. #MentalIllness #battlewithinmyself

    1 comment
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    A girl trying to live

    This story is about a girl

    A girl who was used and abused.
    A girl who had to grow up fast, to find a way to survive.
    A girl trying to live in a world she doesn’t belong to.
    A girl trying to find a place in a world, that is cruel.
    A girl who’s trying hard to win a battle.
    But the villain in this story is, herself.

    #PTSD #Depression #battlewithinmyself #mymightystory

    4 comments
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    someone please explain

    I had a friend of the oppisite sex that I was crazy about. She indirectly asked me to do something for her so I obliged. The job didn't finish the first day as she expected so I drove to her house to complete the rest on the second day. When I arrived she was very cold so I asked her if she was angry and she snapped and said she was mad at everybody and told me to get the hell out. She didn't say what she was angry about. I don't understand why it is when you try to help someone they treat you like crap.
    #battlewithinmyself

    2 comments
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    I am a Control Freak. #MightyPoets #battlewithinmyself #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

    I am a fixer
    I fix things
    For you
    For me
    I anticipate things
    I get it done before it needs getting done
    I make the problem not get as big as it could
    I can do this well
    But it is killing me
    And maybe you
    It doesn’t let you get the skills you need to fix things
    Then I get mad that no one can fix things but me
    But I don’t know how to give you the chance to fix things
    In a way that doesn’t work for me
    #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #itstimeformetochangeithink #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #tryingtoheal #selfawareness

    5 comments