depressedandinpain

A year ago today, I was waiting for my then boyfriend to come home from visiting with his friends a state over, this being the first time he went without me. I was almost through with one of my favorite animes, Ouran High school host club, when I got a Facebook message from the husband of his friend, saying that the husband kicked my boyfriend out for trying to sleep with his wife. When my now ex got home, he didnt bring it up, but when I confronted him, he didnt deny it. He ended up packing up while I was sleeping,waking me up and leaving February 9th. Not only did he break my heart, but he also broke my ability to trust someone like that again. Even after a year has passed, today it feels like something heavy and cold is clenching its clawed fist around my heart and suffocating me. The memories grow louder the more I fight them and my mind twists into shouts that anyone who would want to date me will just do the same as he did. I dont want to believe it, but... what if they're right? What if I'm just meant to be alone forever? I dont want to be, but I'll never be able to trust someone enough like that again.

I am in the midst of feeling extremely down and helpless. This past year 2019 was a hot mess family wise and physically. I found my chronic pain previously related to solely to fibromyalgia increasing. I was always told that fibro pain is not progressive and I started experiencing other symptoms. Since August I was told that I have unspecified neutropenia have dealt with a 30lb weight loss (and counting) in a matter of months, lack of appetite, pain, pain and more pain. I have had to have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy to see if there was anything else more "nefarious" going on. During the course of all of this and doing my own research, I brought to the attention of my doctor's that I would like to be screened for EDS hypermobility type, as I feel that the symptoms I have can be related to that not to mention that my brother and mother have also exhibited signs too. As I am in the midst of this screening process, I have had to go to opthamology and cardiology for an echocardiogram, which, incidentally found that I have aortic root and ascending aorta dilation. I don't see the specialist until February and my mind is going crazy because  I am worried that I can drop dead at any flipping moment!

#depressedandinpain #FibromyalgiaSucks #edsscreening #Brokenbody